How Shame Hurt My Emuna

The G-d I thought I knew counted how many mitzvas I did that day; the new G-d counted my deeds and my struggles, my intentions, my limitations and my internal triumphs…

4 min

Rivka Malka Perlman

Posted on 11.12.18

I grew up with The Awfulness.

 

I call it Awfulness, because truly that’s what it was. To walk around the world without feeling G-d’s love is awful. It’s a guilt producing stress inducing, self-loathing, dry bones life.

 

I can say that now because I’m out of it. But when I was in it – it was awful, and I didn’t even know what that it could be any other way.

 

I actually grew up in a home of G-d’s love. So why did I turn out with the Awfulness?

  

The answer in a word is: Shame.

 

I was carrying so much internal shame that my entire being was sure that G-d couldn’t love me. And if He did, it was only when I did really good things.

 

When I was 5, I lit a match that set my house on fire and burned two stories to a crisp. It was right before Passover, a few weeks before my brother's Bar Mitzvah and a few of us had the chickenpox. Catastrophe.

 

All nine of us were separated into other people’s homes until we could get settled. Just about everything was destroyed. My parents had to start from scratch. Throughout this all, no one knew that I was the cause. They thought it was an electrical fire. It stayed my secret until I was fourteen. By the time, no one cared. But the damage had already been done.

 

The weight of that secret covered my heart in a thick blanket of shame and no amount of messages of Hashem’s love could get in.

 

It became part of my personality. You could know me, but if you truly knew me you would see that I’m not a good person. And G-d, who certainly knows me, does not think I’m a good person.

 

On the outside I looked good (and kept so busy being a do-gooder to prove just how good I was). On the inside, it was brutal – a level of insecurity that marred my every interaction.

 

I thought I was bad and, in many ways, set out to prove it myself. You are what you believe.

 

I grew up, I got married. My husband’s love began to heal me. I felt the possibility that maybe I was a good person after all. And maybe I could be accepted with all of my faults.

 

But there was more. Much more.  

 

Eleven years ago, G-d sent me a life line.

 

During the birth of my 8th child I had a near death experience. I shouldn't have survived, but I did. Laying in the ICU covered in tubes and bandages, I came back to this world flooded with the awareness of G-d’s unconditional love. I could feel it. I knew it as a reality. It wasn’t just that He saved me. It was that my brain and being, my very soul had been reset. I had an awakening.

 

The G-d I had known was exacting, this new understanding showed me that He was forgiving. The G-d I thought I knew counted how many mitzvas (good deeds) I did that day. The new G-d counted my deeds and my struggles, my intentions, my limitations and my internal triumphs that no one else could see.

 

Hashem’s love was always there for me, but I couldn’t access it.

I had a lot of work ahead of me. To integrate this lightening flash of awareness into my being.  I needed to work on a brand-new relationship with G-d.

 

I needed to introduce the child within me, to G-d. I needed to talk to her and let her know that everything that happened was part of G-d’s perfect plan. There are no mistakes. I had to show her a vision of who she had become and let her know that Hashem sees her goodness. I had to forgive her and bring her into the comforting embrace of G-d’s arms – right where she belongs.

 

Through this Emunah work brought to me by healers, teacher and G-d Himself, I am an entirely different person.

 

When people meet me, they assume I was always this way.

 

I wasn’t. None of us are. If we are anywhere in life it’s because we’ve worked and evolved our relationship with G-d. There is nothing that changes us as profoundly as that.

 

Hashem’s love is the core. It’s everything. It informs your inner world, your thoughts, your resilience, your confidence your relationships – everything. Not only will it change your future it will heal your past.

 

When people ask me what I do, it’s a little long to say, “I am the one who wants to do whatever it takes for you to release any negative thought about yourself so you can bask in Hashem’s love, realize your preciousness, find harmony in your relationships and light up the world.” So, I just say I’m a Transformation Coach.

 

But that’s what I do. That’s my mission. My yearning for you is that you clear the way inside of you so you can feel G-d’s love – because I know what it’s like to not feel it.

 

Please, introduce your past stories to the world of Emunah. Tell her she's just right, that Hashem loves her and watch your heart open like never before.

 

 

* * *

Following a near death experience, I’m on a mission to help every woman discover G-d’s unconditional love for her (Including myself!). My work as a Transformation Coach was born out of my own transformation – a time when I literally needed to decompose and become something new.  Through this pain I received gifts that I always wanted but always felt short of: Emunah, self-love, boundaries, deep, meaningful healthy friendships, forgiveness and a wellspring of joy.  I call it Redemption – and I want it for every single person I meet.

 

Join me for coaching, live events and courses and find your own Redemption – Follow me on YouTube:

Tell us what you think!

1. Dina

1/09/2019

I kniw G-d doesn't love me

I didn't grow up in a home that believed G-d is love. No, my Reform upbringing told me F-d was punishing G-d. We observed no mitzvot except 10 commandments. I never knew there were more than 10. I made aliyah and met and arrived a man who turned out to physically abuse and control me. When I could take no more I said I wanted a divorce. He said he would give me a Get, but the cost was give up custody of my only child. I never had any other children. I left Israel in fear of my life. My son thinks I abandoned him even thought I was able to visit him once a year. Then, I developed a disability that put me in a wheelchair and eventually a walker. Doctors still don't know what it was. I've been angry with Hewish law, with my ex, with G-d. How could a G-d who supposedly loved me and my son could wrench him out of my arms when he was 6yo. I've been disabled for over 20 years, now. My son is married and has 3 children. They still live in Israel, but not observant at all. I'm now 67 yo. I feel my life has been a waste. I never got to do anything I had dreamed of doing. I'm trying to renew my relationship with my son and have one with my grandchildren. I only learned about Torah and mitzvahs 5 years ago. I'm told Hashem loves me and dies everything for my good. But, how can taking my only child from me be good for me or my son? How could being disabled with something get doctors don't know about be good. I'm finally married again, but he never was married and he's now nearly 75 and fighting bladder cancer. We are both disabled. I want to move back to Israel to get done enjoyment from my grandchildren. My current husband doesn't want to go, so there may be another divorce for me if he doesn't change his mind and try to make me happy. I'm angry at Hashem for my wasted life. And, I'm supposed to believe He loves me? How can Hashem love me and cause me so much pain? How can He hurt me so badly and ruin my life? Is that love? Is that good? I do not see it nor feel it. I've tried talking to Hashem trying to get answers. My life has not been anything I wanted. Hashem ruined my dreams and hopes. I give up. If He doesn't help me return to Israel and develop a relationship with my son and grandchildren, I have nothing to live for. I'm done! I wish I had never met my first husband. He was evil. And, he turned my son against me. I was never able to have any more children. Hashem saw to that with fibroids that led to hysterectomy. I wish I had never met my current husband as he may be a barrier to my happiness. Our marriage isn't worth anything. We are more like roommates. I'm glad Hashem loves you. I'm glad you have a wonderful husband and lots of children. I'm 67 and have no idea what I'm here for except for life of suffering. I don't know what I did to deserve this pain. If I did I would have done teshuva to get rid of it. But, what do I know? My life has been a huge waste! Even my father thinks I'm good for nothing. My sister is getting his love and money. I lost my mom this summer and I'm in pain as she was my only friend in my family. Ive tried to have emunah but it's hard when nothing goes right. By the way, I remember you when you were with Wrapunzel. Glad to hear life is working out for you. And, I can't afford your coaching. Wish I could, but I need to save my money to move to Israel. That's my only hope.

2. Dina

1/09/2019

I didn't grow up in a home that believed G-d is love. No, my Reform upbringing told me F-d was punishing G-d. We observed no mitzvot except 10 commandments. I never knew there were more than 10. I made aliyah and met and arrived a man who turned out to physically abuse and control me. When I could take no more I said I wanted a divorce. He said he would give me a Get, but the cost was give up custody of my only child. I never had any other children. I left Israel in fear of my life. My son thinks I abandoned him even thought I was able to visit him once a year. Then, I developed a disability that put me in a wheelchair and eventually a walker. Doctors still don't know what it was. I've been angry with Hewish law, with my ex, with G-d. How could a G-d who supposedly loved me and my son could wrench him out of my arms when he was 6yo. I've been disabled for over 20 years, now. My son is married and has 3 children. They still live in Israel, but not observant at all. I'm now 67 yo. I feel my life has been a waste. I never got to do anything I had dreamed of doing. I'm trying to renew my relationship with my son and have one with my grandchildren. I only learned about Torah and mitzvahs 5 years ago. I'm told Hashem loves me and dies everything for my good. But, how can taking my only child from me be good for me or my son? How could being disabled with something get doctors don't know about be good. I'm finally married again, but he never was married and he's now nearly 75 and fighting bladder cancer. We are both disabled. I want to move back to Israel to get done enjoyment from my grandchildren. My current husband doesn't want to go, so there may be another divorce for me if he doesn't change his mind and try to make me happy. I'm angry at Hashem for my wasted life. And, I'm supposed to believe He loves me? How can Hashem love me and cause me so much pain? How can He hurt me so badly and ruin my life? Is that love? Is that good? I do not see it nor feel it. I've tried talking to Hashem trying to get answers. My life has not been anything I wanted. Hashem ruined my dreams and hopes. I give up. If He doesn't help me return to Israel and develop a relationship with my son and grandchildren, I have nothing to live for. I'm done! I wish I had never met my first husband. He was evil. And, he turned my son against me. I was never able to have any more children. Hashem saw to that with fibroids that led to hysterectomy. I wish I had never met my current husband as he may be a barrier to my happiness. Our marriage isn't worth anything. We are more like roommates. I'm glad Hashem loves you. I'm glad you have a wonderful husband and lots of children. I'm 67 and have no idea what I'm here for except for life of suffering. I don't know what I did to deserve this pain. If I did I would have done teshuva to get rid of it. But, what do I know? My life has been a huge waste! Even my father thinks I'm good for nothing. My sister is getting his love and money. I lost my mom this summer and I'm in pain as she was my only friend in my family. Ive tried to have emunah but it's hard when nothing goes right. By the way, I remember you when you were with Wrapunzel. Glad to hear life is working out for you. And, I can't afford your coaching. Wish I could, but I need to save my money to move to Israel. That's my only hope.

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