It’s a Wrap

It’s 5:30 in the morning and I’m scrambling to pack lunches and get laundry done before I wake up my daughters to start another school day, but first I must stop and decide what to wear.   

I’ve never been much of a fashionista; I’ve always leaned toward clothing I find extremely comfortable which for me means it’s oversized and frequently made of fleece. Thankfully I work in a company where business casual is the go-to and I can wear what I find comfortable, as long as it still looks professional.  But my hair?  My hair has been my nemesis since I was a child.  

When I was younger, my mother would do my hair for me every morning.  She’d brush it, get all the tangles out, and style it while making comments about how I must have been nobility in a past life because I could never do my own hair.  When she passed away, I was at a complete loss for what to do with the curly, thick mop on my head, so I chose to chop most of it off and wear it extremely short throughout the rest of high school.  This became known as the Amelia Bedelia hair style which wasn’t terribly fashionable, but it worked for me because I didn’t want to get up earlier just to figure out what to do with my hair.  

Throughout my adult life, I still couldn’t figure out what to do with my hair and gave up on the hair salons, the results of which were also far from satisfactory. I just threw it into a ponytail and didn’t give it any more thought aside from occasionally noticing another woman and wondering “Why can’t my hair look that good?” 

Then something happened. A few years back, I decided to take a class on jealousy, and there I learned about the concept of emuna. I had heard of emuna before, but I didn’t really understand it.  I figured I had faith in Hashem, what did I need with emuna? 

As always, Hashem pointed me where I needed to go.  As I was studying, I realized how little I really understood about the concept, and I had grossly underestimated how much work I needed to do to achieve emuna.  Yes, I had faith in Hashem when things were going my way, but as soon as something went wrong, out came Ms. Whiney Complainer. 

When the class came to an end, I picked up a copy of Rabbi Shalom Arush’s book “The Garden of Emuna” and it was like a whole new world was opening up to me.  As I journeyed farther and farther down the rabbit hole and learned more, I felt my faith strengthening, but something else was happening too.  I started to feel more self-conscious about myself.  I started to feel like I needed to take on an additional mitzvot to show Hashem I was serious about strengthening my emuna and becoming more observant. 

It was then I decided to take the leap and cover my hair.  I’d read articles on this before and watched YouTube videos about the laws of tzniut (modesty), but until recently, it seemed too “out there” for me.  But as I worked on strengthening my emuna, I knew that that was my next step in avodat Hashem (serving Hashem).  I was nervous about doing this–it was a big step.  Although I never much cared about my hair or how it looked, I worried about how other people would react to this.   

My yetzer hara attacked me and preyed on my fears; it mocked me as I contemplated how to take the first steps.  “What if you can’t do it?  What if you give up in a few days, what will people say then?” it repeated in my mind.   

I was resolute, I knew this was something Hashem wanted me to do so I decided to start small– a larger headband at first, then a kerchief, and then after much praying on the issue, I bought my first head scarf.  I bought a rectangular scarf in black with gold threads and the first time I put it on, I knew I was taking the right step.   

I had that soul buzz, the feeling of goose bumps all up and down my arms and up my neck, and with the scarf tied around my head, I felt like a princess, the daughter of a king.  The fears of what others thought lessened and I stepped boldly out into the world finally proclaiming I am a daughter of Hashem and proud of it.   

So as 5:30 comes each morning and I scramble to get ready, I take a moment to pick out a scarf from my ever-growing collection.  I put on my shaper covering my thick, curly hair and wrap my head praying each morning for those who need the strength to find emuna and their way back to Hashem.  I wake up my girls, get them ready to go to school, and walk out into the world with my head held high knowing I am a daughter of Hashem.