The ADHD Wife

Dear Racheli,

Lately my wife has been acting unusual. She’s dressing more provocatively and going out with her girlfriends more often, even to bars at night. I’m not happy with her current actions and I’ve told her so. Obviously we’re fighting a lot more these days…

Larry

Larry,

I hate to break it to you, but your wife suffers from a severe form of ADHD: Attention-Deficient Husband Disorder. But don’t feel bad; unfortunately, it’s a very common disorder these days. Maybe the insatiably greedy and conscience-impaired people over at Big Pharma can come up with a vaccine for this. Alas, until then, we’ll have to work on fixing the problem ourselves…

Wives are a strange and complicated species, whose emotional moods range way beyond the scope of this answer. But there is one general rule that applies to all wives, as Rav Shalom Arush explains: a wife is dependent on her husband for her inner sense of happiness and worth. For all of the ladies that are up-in-arms from this seemingly sexist comment, either you’re not married, or you’re not taking a good look at the dynamics in your marriage.

Let’s clarify with an example, shall we? Leah is a hard-working mother and wife. She takes care of all of the household responsibilities, including taking the kids to and from school. She rushes through numerous errands every day so she can have the house in order and dinner ready by the time her husband comes home. Yaakov is a hard-working husband who is overloaded with too many responsibilities at work. Much of the time he manages to keep his problems from spilling over into his home life, but lately it hasn’t been so easy.

Yaakov has been coming home from work in a bad mood lately, and hasn’t been as responsive or involved with his family who was waiting all day to spend time with him. Leah has been picking up on his negative vibes, and is reacting accordingly. She’s starting to nag him more and instigate more fights. However, she’s not doing this maliciously. In fact, she probably doesn’t even realize what she’s doing. She doesn’t see that she’s just reacting to his negativity.

Do you see what I’m getting at, Larry? Your wife is clearly feeling that something is lacking in your relationship, and she’s acting out as a result. Don’t you think that women get attention when they dress sexy? Of course they do! And don’t you think she’s getting plenty of attention (and pity) from her girlfriends when they go out?

Luckily this is a simple problem to fix. I said simple, not necessarily easy. It’s all a matter of making your wife feel like she’s the most special thing in your life. See- I told you it wasn’t so easy! And, as Rabbi Brody says, it’s not enough to make her feel like she’s number one. You’ve got to make her feel like there is no number two or three. There is just her and no one else.

Here are a few ways you can do that. First: set aside a few minutes each night to wind down together after the kids go to sleep. Women don’t need quantity time; they need quality time. Turn off your phone, make her a cup of tea, and let her tell you all about her day. No need to interject, by the way! Just let her do all the talking, and occasionally add in a few “wow, really?” and “hmmm” to keep your eyelids from closing. Making eye contact also helps keep you from falling asleep, as she’ll probably slap you if she catches you nodding off!

Second: offer to be more helpful around the house. If you’re able to help put the kids to bed, that is a definite plus! For me, it’s like a vacation when I hear all of the chaos coming from the kids’ bedroom from the other side of the door. Actually, I find it quite enjoyable that my husband is the one suffering as I sit comfortably on the couch.

Third: GUARD YOUR EYES! Rav Arush teaches us this iron-clad rule in spirituality: if you’re looking at other women, your wife feels that your heart is not 100% hers. And how could it be, if you’re desiring other women? Like the famous saying goes, “What the eye sees, the heart desires.” She’s got subliminal radar on you, and it’s deadly accurate.

Fourth: don’t nag her about her behavior. Like I always say, one nagging wife is enough. Don’t worry; she’ll come around quickly on her own if you follow these pieces of advice.

If you need a hand to hold you through this process and keep you focused – and who doesn’t – get Rabbi Shalom Arush’s CD’s (in English, translated and narrated by Rabbi Lazer Brody), “Eyes of Holiness” and “First Place.” And, if you haven’t yet read Rav Arush’s book, The Garden of Peace, make that priority #1!
Racheli