The Power of Words
Words are very powerful and can be both the vehicle to build people or to destroy them; we should understand their power and be very careful with their use...
The Pressure-Cooker Lifestyle, Part 8
Words and metaphors have an effect on our anger (and all our other emotions too); we don’t even realize how much they affect our moods.
You will certainly be angrier if you decide that something that happened is “absolutely awful” as opposed to it being “not the easiest of experiences”. Or classifying an incident as “intolerable” is bound to enrage you more than thinking that “this is difficult, but hopefully I can manage to deal with it”.
And classifying people as selfish, stubborn, manipulative, or “out to get me” will only add fuel to your anger. Although the above characterizations might be true (in your eyes) try less harsh-sounding definitions, and you will see that you will not be quite so aggravated.
It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t see people for what they actually are and protect yourself when dealing with them, but at least you don’t have to feel so angry about it.
The same applies to metaphors, which are really just descriptive phrases; they too can provoke more anger than necessary. To say about someone that “what they said killed me” sounds far worse than saying “what they said was quite unpleasant”. And you will find it easier to remain calm if you say “Unfortunately he was unable to help me and I had to manage on my own” rather than “He was very unhelpful and simply left me to drown”.
Can you see how your anger-level is affected by the phraseology that you use?
The Power of Words
Before we continue I would like to digress for a moment and talk about the power of words. Words are very powerful and can be both the vehicle to build a person or to destroy them; we should understand their power and be very careful with their use. Even when someone thinks they’re joking they must be very careful; what is a joke to one can be a barbed dart in the heart to another.
Husbands especially must be very careful when talking to their wives because women are far more sensitive than men, and what might seem harmless and innocent to a man could be very painful to a woman.
Talk in a Neutral Way
When you feel someone has done something wrong express yourself in general, descriptive terms rather than using accusatory, blaming language; such language makes the person you are talking to feel “threatened”. Either they “tune out” altogether and don’t even hear what you’re saying, or they become aggressive in return as they go on the defensive.
“Confronting” the person you are talking to with sentences that begin with “You are…..” or “You didn’t ……” or “Why did you……” are felt as a direct attack by the person you’re talking to, and are counter-productive.
It’s far better to state what you want or need in a neutral tone of voice with sentences such as “It seems that dinner isn’t ready yet. Can I help you with it”? Or “The light bulb still hasn’t been changed. When will you be able to change it”?
You will find that using general language will help both of you remain calm.
If you feel that you’re speaking normally and the other person is “too sensitive” bear in mind that each person defines what is hurtful differently; when dealing with other people (especially your spouse and children) you must take into account their feelings, in the same way as you would want them to consider your feelings.
Stay in the Present
“It’s all in the mind” is not just a saying but is very true.
It’s the nature of a person that when he thinks and talks about distressing episodes in the past, even though he might be perfectly happy now, he will feel some of that pain and distress. The same applies to anger; if you relive episodes that upset you in the past you will feel irritated again and it will fuel your anger in the present.
Don’t think or talk about those episodes in the past, but live in the present – and even in the present program your mind to think positively.
If you do want to think about the past, think about times when you were happy and people helped you and made life pleasant for you, and that will put you in a good mood.
Dampen the Effect of an Insult
Every person thinks about and relates to what they are interested in and their character and language reflects this.
A person who can really comprehend this will even be able to remain relatively unaffected by insults. He will simply realize that when someone insults him it is in fact, a reflection of that person’s character and what he feels about life in general and not necessarily the real truth. (How about the “praises” we receive from the goyim because we’re Yidden)?
Keep a Positive Frame of Mind
Try to look for the good in every experience, even if it’s a small thing because it will calm your anger. And if you truly want to find something you will be able to.
You can help yourself to think positively by asking yourself “What’s good in what’s happening to me right now”, or “What’s going right in my life” and “What do I need to be grateful for”. These type of thoughts will enable you to feel joy and happiness, whereas negative thoughts of what has gone wrong, is going wrong and will go wrong are liable to make you angry before anything even happens.
To be continued.
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