The Other Point of View

When someone talks angrily to you, try and overcome your hurt feelings and consider why the person acted the way they did.

 

* Possibly they have personal problems that they have to cope with which makes them short-tempered.

 

* Maybe they have troubles in their lives that you don’t know about and they are suffering, and that has caused them to lose their equilibrium

 

* It could be that they have massive debts or a very pressurizing job and this causes them to feel over-whelmed

 

* Perhaps they’ve had a bad day. Someone else shouted at them (their spouse) and upset them and they’re unloading their pain and anger on you; they don’t even mean you personally. (Whilst it’s not justified you can feel sorry for them that their pain is so great that they had to unload it on anyone they could).

 

* Maybe they’ve got a chip on their shoulder and feel the world’s against them.

 

* There might have been some misunderstanding and the person shouting at you has been given wrong information which caused them to get angry.

There are numerous reasons why people might talk to you in anger and if you find some mitigating excuses it will help you remain calm.

 

And when you don’t react in kind but instead talk softly and gently the person who snapped at you will usually soften as well, so that instead of all-out war you have initiated all-out peace.

 

And let’s not forget – you yourself will also not have become upset. This is a tried and tested method which I have found to work wonders. It might feel a bit false at the beginning but with time you will easily find a genuine excuse for other people’s anger and you will end up actually feeling sorry for them.

 

 

You should also realize that no-one is perfect. There isn’t a person in the world who doesn’t make a mistake, and in a moment of weakness say something wrong or inappropriate.

 

If you realize this (and also remember that you too probably (definitely?) fall into this category) you won’t become angry at someone else’s mistakes.

 

 

When dealing with people a very valuable tool is to try and see another person’s point of view; you will be surprised at how differently you will consider the issue at hand.

 

At the end of the second point (Other Peoples Anger) we said that everything depends on how you look at an issue; from your point of view what you say and do seems justified whilst in someone else it doesn’t seem so justified at all.

 

We’re always ready with good excuses when we feel we’re unable to fulfill our obligations but get upset when someone else doesn’t fulfill theirs. And even if we do say or do something which we know isn’t right we’ll still manage to find an excuse for ourselves, but woe betide anyone else doing the same.

 

You can try to see something from another person’s point of view by asking yourself "Why is this person speaking or acting in this way" and "What would I want them to think of me if I was doing what they’re doing", and then apply the reasons you gave for yourself – to them. These two questions, especially the last one, will be an eye-opener for you and help you to see things from a different angle; it will certainly diffuse your anger.

 

 

We talked previously about how low a person sinks in a fit of anger, to the extent that the Torah classifies them as insane. What we understand from this is that anger changes a person into someone different altogether.

 

Therefore when someone is attacking you you should try not to take offense because this is not the person you know; this is a completely different and very inferior person who is totally enslaved and controlled by their anger.

 

It doesn’t mean that their anger is justified; it is most definitely wrong but seeing them in this light will help you remain calm instead of becoming resentful and angry.

 

 

Before becoming angry you should stop and consider for a moment whether that anger is justified.

 

Don’t just focus on the words that were spoken but focus on the person who said them and see whether it’s worth your while getting upset.

 

* Is the person who said those words to you foolish or ignorant and doesn’t understand what they’re saying?

 

* Or is the person an intelligent person who it’s worthwhile listening to?

 

If the first option is correct then it’s certainly not worth your getting angry.

 

We all know that when a person is mentally unbalanced they’re not responsible for their words and there is no point in becoming upset with them because they’re not aware of what they’re doing or saying. Rather we need to show sensitivity and empathy to their needs because they’re ill.

 

The same applies to someone who you know is foolish or thinks irrationally; they should also be considered as someone who’s ill. Therefore why should you get angry at such a person; rather you should feel sorry for them.

 

We must also realize that people who are constantly angry and seek to fight others have a twisted character and should also be considered as someone who’s ill, even though they appear outwardly normal. (Obviously, we’re not talking about abusive people here; in such a case you need to protect yourself).

 

People who aren’t clever usually think they are right; in addition their irrational thinking and selfishness causes them to unintentionally insult and hurt other people very often.

 

Are you on the same level as these people that you should react to their words? Are you going to let them dictate your mood?

 

If the second point is correct then you should consider that perhaps they HAVE said something that it’s worth your while considering; and then you certainly shouldn’t be angry with them. (I did say that you do need to be honest with yourself).