Silent Strength
Where you choose to remain silent when you could easily have replied in kind is not an act of weakness but rather a sign of inner strength and solid character.
The Pressure-Cooker Lifestyle, Part 6
In the previous article, we looked at the causes of our anger; in this point we’ll be looking at some of the reasons for other peoples’ anger.
A Desire For Control
There are people who have very controlling natures and when the people around them don’t allow themselves to be controlled they get very angry.
Independence
Some people have a very strong need for independence and if they feel that someone is trying to control them, however innocently, they get upset.
Idealists
Some idealists get very annoyed when other people do not live up to their high standards (perhaps they have forgotten that one of the most important ideals is not to upset other people).
Always Being Right
Someone who has a strong need to demonstrate his superiority will get very irritated if others point out his mistakes or question his statements.
To Be Loved
Everyone needs to be loved and when someone feels this is denied to them or they do not get enough of it they become extremely upset.
Respected
Many people have a strong desire for respect and appreciation and when they do not receive the appreciation they feel they deserve they feel very offended.
Fair Treatment
Everyone wants to be treated fairly and justly, but some people have a very strong need for justice and fairness (which unfortunately is in rather short supply in this world) and so they are continuously irritated by every seeming injustice.
Privacy
There are many people who need their privacy and when they feel their space is invaded they get very aggravated.
Looking at the above list I have noticed an interesting thing; whether the points are justified or not depends from which angle you look at them. If you apply them to yourself they seem fairly harmless and even reasonable; after all don’t we all deserve to be respected, loved and treated fairly?
But when we look at them from another person’s point of view it doesn’t look so innocent or justified at all. You probably believe that they receive enough respect and love and that they are treated fairly, so why are they angry?
What this teaches us that we shouldn’t be hasty when judging other people; you should judge them as you would want them to judge you!
HOW TO CONTROL YOUR ANGER
We’ve identified some of the reasons for anger and we now come to the next, and most important step, how to control that anger.
Silence
Very often, staying silent in the face of anger is the wisest thing to do. Where you choose to remain silent when you could easily have replied in kind is not an act of weakness but rather shows great strength of character. As our Chachomim say “Who is mighty? One who masters his impulses”.If you answer the person shouting at you it will only add fuel to the fire and enrage them even more but if you stay silent there is a point where they will stop because they have simply run out of steam.
When you are silent it helps to breathe slowly and deeply; focusing on your breathing has a soothing effect and calms you down.
Staying silent saves untold harm and damage.
Stop and Think
When someone lashes out at you don’t reply but STOP and THINK.
Remind yourself that in a fit of anger people often say things they don’t mean, and which they greatly regret later. Therefore take what’s been said with “a pinch of salt” and understand that the person saying those things doesn’t truly mean them.
Delay Your Anger
There are many stories of Gedolim (our great spiritual leaders) who, even when they felt their anger was appropriate, nevertheless did something to delay that anger. One tzaddik had an iron-clad rule that he would always change his caftan (outer cloak) for a specific one that was called his “angry” caftan. By the time he had changed, his anger had calmed down.
When someone shouts at you, don’t answer immediately; instead count to fifty at a steady pace (the equivalent of changing your caftan). This will reduce that initial red-hot rage to a lesser heat and allow you to be more in control of the situation.
Remember
When you’re angry at someone else’s mistake you should remind yourself that you’ve surely done the same in the past, and in the same way as you wanted others not to be offended by your actions or remarks you shouldn’t be offended by theirs.
Say to yourself “I’m no better because I’ve also said things I shouldn’t have in the past, and in the same way as I wanted them to overlook what I said and to forgive me, it’s only right that I should do the same and forgive them”.
Tone of Voice
The tone of one’s voice makes a major difference. A loud tone of voice affects everyone’s anger-level because it makes you angrier and inflames the person you’re speaking to.
Practice speaking in a lower tone of voice and when you get into an argument with someone don’t raise your voice above the level you’ve trained yourself to speak in. Eventually the person shouting at you will also lower their tone of voice.
Even if you do have a screaming match with someone you can still stop the shouting by suggesting that both of you lower your tone of voice. Including yourself in the request (even if you feel you haven’t been shouting) will make the other person feel that you’re not “blaming him” and he will more readily accede to your request.
There is a vast difference between two people shouting at each other or talking in a normal tone of voice, even if they disagree on the issue being discussed.
The above points are very valuable tools for peace and harmony in the home and are especially applicable between a husband and wife who can sometimes say things that are very painful; because they are comfortable with each other they don’t always control what they say, or how they say it, as much as they should.
To be continued.
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