Love Peace and Pursue It
Taming one’s tongue is so daunting I think most people just throw up their hands at the thought, if they even know it’s necessary. But I want to tell you that it’s worth...
My friend Ingrid and I have the following phone conversation once about every ten days.
“Hey!”“OK, so what did I do?”Laughing. “Nothing!”“No seriously. I think I was really obnoxious yesterday, so I’m sorry if I was in any way rude or sullen, or anything like that…”“I can honestly say I have no idea what you are talking about. I’m not mad at you at all.”“So I wasn’t a jerk? I had this awful feeling I was a big jerk yesterday. OK, good. So when’s dinner?”
We like to make sure the friendship is on solid ground, don’t want to get too casual and plant seeds of discontent, God forbid. We check in as if to say, “I’m sorry if I was not myself, if you saw the rude me that isn’t really me. The real me is right here. I don’t want the real person to become obscured.” Friendships are way too valuable to take lightly. The older I get the more I see this. And the more I see how a few sloppily chosen words can become engraved in the listener’s mind with your signature underneath.
A few years ago I purchased Chofetz Chaim: A Lesson A Day – The Concepts and Laws of Proper Speech. Versions for children should be distributed in delivery wards. It’s that important. Despite its importance, I would wager these laws are the most violated on earth. Taming one’s tongue is so daunting I think most people just throw up their hands at the thought, if they even know it’s necessary. But I want to tell you that it’s worth tackling because something strange and rewarding begins to occur when you do. I’m sure that some of the great Rabbis who write here at Breslov World can explain what occurs on a spiritual level when a person takes on a big challenge like speaking properly – not I. But I can tell you that this one is so hard it almost feels like Hashem will grade your work quite liberally if there is any progress.
Proper speech is a lifetime journey, made in baby steps. And ultimately it’s about pursuing peace. This book, it’s like looking at yourself in a crystal clear mirror in a well lit room. From all angles. You may not like what you see to such a degree that you put the book back on the shelf and just sort of cringe. Cringe if you like, but take the book down and stop beating yourself up. Take a tiny step.
Embarrassing yet true confession: After reading just a few pages of the book I realized that there have been times where I have nothing to say if I can’t rank on a person I’m feeling frustrated with or preoccupied with. I don’t even want to put those words in writing, it makes me feel so ashamed. But realizing this fact about myself has caused almost like a structural shift to occur in my consciousness. There are an infinite number of topics of discussion, correct? Yet I saw what a rut I allowed myself to be stuck in. Trust me, the old wagon wheel ends up back in the groove quite easily still. But why must I- why must we- do this? What are we getting out of taking people apart bit by bit? To complicate matters, according to the Chofetz Chaim, one should not only avoid discussing other people, but even listening to discussion about other people.
How does one not even hear lashon hara? I’m just not comfortable correcting others on this issue, even if that’s ultimately what I should do for them and they for me. But again, with this complex topic strange things occur when you try to avoid hearing bad talk – perhaps it’s Divine intervention. In my experience, the gossiping just sort of fades away from the social group without people getting all bent out of shape. It’s still there, but it’s not at the fore. I think the emphasis shifts to other ways of being together. It’s quite lovely. There is a delightful reduction in battling. The space is made for other topics and activities to fill the void. It doesn’t even feel like there is a void, truthfully. It just feels nice.
In high school and college, I associated with many people who battled with words, as I did. It established the ranks. I was a Philosophy major. There the best arguer wins and I got pretty good at dueling. But what’s the prize? I’ve yet to receive my trophy. So much of what we watch on TV or read in magazines or on the web is this kind of sparring with words. Why do we value this type of fighting? Are we really appreciating this because weaker arguments are being cast aside for stronger, and this will somehow result in better behavior, a better world? I think it’s more like the thrill some get from watching a fight at a hockey game.
Rabbi Brody has pointed out that arguing with people is not a great activity to engage in. It’s really intellectual humiliation for the person on the wrong end of the debate. Of course all of the arguers know this, the pressure gets ratcheted up and up and then it ends with someone feeling like they are stupid or misunderstood at best. Discussing an issue does not need to involve arguing about it. It can involve delving in to the issue through questions put on the table and listening to someone else’s answer. Sitting patiently and listening. Learning from someone else in a peaceful state.
I pray to Hashem that He will continue to help me watch what comes out of my mouth, what I listen to, and even what I think about because I still have a lot of work to do. I want to end on this note. This is from Day 37 and is a quote from Sefer Ma’alos HaMiddos.
“Our sages further state: Peace is precious, for all the good blessings and consolations that the Holy One, Blessed is He, brings upon Israel conclude with peace. The blessings of the evening Shema conclude with, “Who spreads the shelter of peace.” The Shemoneh Esrei concludes with, “He Who makes peace in His heights, may He make peace on us…” Birkat Kohanim (Priestly Blessing) concludes with, “May HASHEM…establish peace with you.” Therefore my son, be zealous regarding this trait. Love peace and pursue it, for there is infinite reward for those who do so.”
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