A Light in the Darkness–Spiritual Weapons, Part 7

In the last article Part 6 – PUSH – Don’t Stop Praying, I covered the importance of prayer and Psalms as a potent spiritual weapon. Now, I am going to hone in on this truth, and focus on hitbodedut – personal prayer in general, and cheshbon nefesh – spiritual accounting – in particular. 

The physical world is a very dark and confusing place. It’s so easy to get lost in the face-value of the problems we face, and to let the sheker (falseness) of the world lead us astray. It is for good reason that the Holy Zohar calls this world “Almah D’Shikrah – the World of Lies.”  

I found that there was one, and only one, way to cope with the stress and strain of the hellish situation I faced – hitbodedut. This time with Hashem was like a mini Shabbat every day – a break from the daily grind. For that hour, the burden was taken from my exhausted shoulders, and given to the Almighty G-d Himself, who has the Strength to shoulder the burden. 

Even more, I needed the time in hitbodedut to get my head on straight – every single day. I found that the more hitbodedut that I did, the more I was able to live by spiritual reality and be less afraid of the physical reality. And to the degree that I was able to accomplish this was the degree to which I functioned on a given day. Rabbi Arush says that emuna is the ability to cope, and I experienced this truth every day. 

Let me be honest – every hour of hitbodedut was not equal. Sometimes I walked out feeling just as frustrated as when I walked in. Often times I felt like I had hardly gotten into the mode when something called me back to reality, and even more often it was a tremendous struggle to carve out any serious amount of time in the first place. But the true, deep, spiritual happiness I felt when I got it right was so worth all that effort – such an indescribable feeling of peace, when all of the emuna talk I had been working on so hard finally integrated into my heart for one brief moment. 

At other times, all that work sometimes suddenly exploded into the most powerful prayer sessions I could dream of. In those minutes, I could see clearly! Sometimes, it was the sin that I had done that I needed to correct and ask Hashem to forgive me for. And I understood exactly how that sin had gotten me to where I was, and I myself had inadvertently put myself into that situation through my own refusal to recognize that Hashem created the commandments for our own benefit. As Rabbi Arush repeats over and over: There is no suffering without sin! 

Sometimes it was how Hashem had been guiding me all along, or an insight into my values and what was really important (and what was not). And always, it was accompanied by tears and this feeling of being in touch with my soul that I will not even attempt to put into words. It felt like my soul was literally pouring out of my lips. I didn’t want those sessions to end, truly feeling so strongly this recognition that truly, we can never stop praying, we can never say it is enough – coupled with a gratitude and humility that Hashem should afford flesh and blood such an opportunity in the first place. 

It was these realizations that got deep into my heart during these times of immense connection that helped me remain true to Hashem and hold onto my emuna when the going got really tough. The absolute realization that nothing and no one can stop the will of Hashem – that when Hashem decided my time was up, I would suddenly have a gett, and a civil divorce, whether he wanted to give them to me or not (and both events happened exactly that way!). The complete recognition that I thought I could do a particular sin and it would be OK, and really, I wasn’t fooling anyone – Hashem is the righteous judge and in the end I only lost by not following Hashem’s will. On and on. 

Those moments were pure teshuva. Sometimes in the most common sense of confessing and regretting my sins, but more importantly, in the sense of feeling this absolute burning desire to get closer to Hashem and wipe away anything that might get in the way of that. During those moments, I could see so clearly that the most important thing in the world is only Hashem’s will and not my own. I was absolutely terrified by the thought of doing something that was not Hashem’s will and could see with crystal clarity how it would only lead to ruin. And I'm not just talking in the sense of say, keeping kosher or wearing tefillin. I'm also talking about not imposing our own will on how to run our lives – what city we live in, who we want to marry, etc. etc. To quote Rabbi Brody in the CD Let’s Be Happy – “we can't possibly run our lives as well as Hashem can.” 

I also saw the strength inherent in the everyday moments when we call out to Hashem, and He answers us. The parking space I davened for when I was late for the train before a major court hearing and every single space was taken, and suddenly a car pulled out right in front of me. Asking Hashem to delay the rain for just a moment so I wouldn’t get soaked running from my car lugging all those court documents – and hearing it pouring down just minutes after I got inside. Or when I begged Hashem for a sign that He was with me – and shortly thereafter one of the Rabbanim whose advice and efforts ended up being crucial on many occasions called for the first time. 

Don’t underestimate the tremendous power of even a single second of honest  hitbodedut. Don’t underestimate the incredible changes that can happen physically and spiritually when we throw ourselves into a connection with G-d Himself for real, investing time  every day. 

I am not exaggerating when I say that my personal prayer sessions with Hashem are truly my daily sessions with my Therapist! The best Therapist ever, I might add – since only G-d can arrange what happens in my life to teach me the lessons I need to grow as a person. My hitbodedut sessions were also with the best Lawyer, and the best Life Coach you could ever dream of.  

And all for free – just come to the sessions.