Busy Bee

If we were to meet at an event and you asked me what I “do” the answer you’re likely to hear would be along these lines:

“I am an entrepreneur in business launch phase with one company and negotiating the purchase of another company.  I also provide business support services to six companies and I’m a writer (professionally and personally)… oh yeah, I’m also a wife and a mother to a preschooler whom I’m homeschooling.”

See, right there, that last bit is the problem. That “oh yeah” part.

If I’m living my truth that description should have been completely flipped around… starting out with an introduction of being a wife and mother and oh yeah, I’m also involved in the business world.

If I’m living my truth my days should be arranged with the duties that truly speak to my heart filling my days – supporting my husband and raising my son – with “extra” time being spent on work.

My life plays out of the classic story of business first, family second – and if I’m being especially clever I can squeeze family time in AND hobby time or chore time at the same time. The problem is, this is all upside down and backwards to how I want to live my life… to how I believe Hashem wants me to live my life.

When my two worlds collide my family suffers the consequences – a curious and creative preschooler excitedly bursting into the room while I’m head down into a report that was past deadline to the client and my reaction tends to be less than stellar. As I lay in bed at night and think back over my day I often cringe. The person I am is not the person I aspire to be. That could be a very depressing thought. But it can also be very motivating. I come to the same conclusion every time – more prayer is needed.

You see, I can be depressed over my rough edges and difficulty in prioritizing my life – saddened by my choices and actions. Or I can be energized and excited over the path ahead and the possibilities of improving little by little each day. The choice is mine to make and the correct answer is emuna. Accepting that what is has happened is all part of Hashem’s plan and believing that, with His help, I can make better choices moving forward.

Each day, each moment, each choice presented to me is an option to weigh and consider my priorities. The more I allow myself a few seconds to think and say a prayer for guidance, the more likely I’m apt to make a decision that correspond to how I want to live my life vs being pulled into unnecessary (at that moment) work matters. I’m learning that taking an unexpected 10 minute break to share in an excited discovery with my son matters more than finishing a report 10 minutes earlier. Making sure I’ve prepared a meal for my husband when he returns home after his generally very long days at work makes ME feel better than spending my evenings returning emails.

Work is important and motivating and inspiring in many ways. There are truly times when I shouldn’t jump up from my desk, when I am responsible for meeting a deadline, when I’m so excited about a project that I don’t want to stop, when I’ve made agreements and need to try my best to meet those obligations. However, living constantly in that state of “work first” robs me of the life I want to live.

When I ask Hashem’s help to live my truth – family first – I find that I am more balanced, even with the same workload. That may mean rising in the early, early morning to finish some research and staying up late into the night submitting proposals so that my days are free to spend on the many duties of being a wife and mama. But when I’m feeling balance in my life, when I’m feeling I’m living my truth, then it all flows. My family time energizes me for work and my work time motivates me for family activities.

I’m a work in progress and that is a wonderful and thrilling thing to be. I still make so many mistakes but the more I engage my emuna, the more time I spend in prayer, the more accepting of outcomes I become, then I’m able to better appreciate and love the work Hashem is doing in my life. 

* * *

Jennifer invites you to participate in a regularly held Noahide on-line study group that reviews the garden series books of Rabbi Arush. You can contact her at jenniferjwoodward@gmail.com for dates and times.