Do You Really Want What Hashem Wants? – Part 2 

Last week, I answered the question so many people have raised about thanking Hashem for their problems to the point that they must say that they don’t want – what they want. Wait, how does that work again? You can review it here: Hashem is Right.  

The questioner then sent me this follow-up comment:  

Just FYI, my motivation to ask the question (in Part 1) came from the fact that Moshe Rabbeinu prayed 515 times for something he knew Hashem didn’t want.   

AG, Lakewood, NJ, USA 

You don’t have it quite right. Moshe Rabbeinu prayed 515 times for something he wanted. And then Hashem said “Stop, Moshe, I don’t want this, and if you pray one more time, I’m going to have to give it to you.” 

AND MOSHE STOPPED! 

He stopped praying for what he wanted more than anything in this world! For something that he deserved, boy did he not deserve it to come into the Land of Israel? What did he not do? Did he not fulfill every last, minute iota of every command to merit coming into the land?! No, don’t tell me Moshe sinned at the rock (at Meriva, he struck the rock instead of speaking to it). The commentators say that Moshe Rabbeinu was “set up” so to speak, to teach us a lesson, and for him to learn a lesson. It’s a chok – something that we cannot understand, but when Mashiach comes very soon (amen!), then we’ll get it. But Moshe Rabbeinu deserved to come into the land! 

But no, the moment Moshe realized that this wasn’t Hashem’s will and that it wasn’t for the very ultimate best, HE STOPPED.  

Moshe never EVER prayed for something Hashem didn’t want. He prayed 515 times because he knew that Hashem was all merciful, that Hashem loved him and wanted to give him everything! I’m just going to keep praying! “If I see a lack, either I see not enough prayer or no prayer at all,” writes Rabbi Natan of Breslev. Of course Hashem wants to give me!!! I am not giving up! 

Moshe prayed until Hashem revealed to him that this thing he wants, to go into the land, isn’t really for the best, and there is a good reason why not to give it to him. Done! End of story! Moshe cancelled himself to Hashem’s will and said “Good, Hashem, if You don’t want, then I don’t either! I won’t pray one more time! Sure!”

So your point perfectly personifies EXACTLY what Rabbi Arush is trying to convey here – the simple emuna that Hashem wants what is for the ultimate best for us and the entire world. 

Now a million distinctions between me and Moshe Rabbeinu, let me say this – there are lots of things I’ve wanted before. Good things, great things – like getting married, buying a house, having children. Wonderful things! I wanted them and I pushed to get what I wanted. Of course Hashem will help me, right? 

WRONG.  

Time and again everything blew up in my face. I was left having to rebuild, asking Hashem the same question everyone suffers with: WHY, G-D ALMIGHTY, WHY? 

Until finally I understood it. I got the point: Of course Hashem wants to give me everything, but not necessarily on my terms! I wanted to live in that city – but Hashem wanted me in Israel! I wanted that husband, but he wasn’t my true soulmate! I wanted that dream job that then laid off the entire department including me, but that wasn’t my calling – just a stop along the way to teach me some skills to prepare for my real dream job that would be handed to me on a silver platter a decade later. 

Finally, I realized that I don’t really know what I’m doing at all. And as much as I think I want X – it’s only because I can’t see all the choices!  

Finally, I sat back and said, “You know, Hashem, I don’t want ANYTHING except what You want. Because I know that not only do You know what You’re doing and I don’t – but what You want for me is a million times better than what I think I want for myself!” 

I remember telling a friend shortly before I left for Israel that now, I am filled with hope and excitement. After so many sink holes in my life, finally I had let go! Wow, what will Hashem send me? 

I had good reason to be excited.  

I like to say that my first wedding was the wedding of my dreams – dream hall, dream dress, dream honeymoon, it was all so dreamy except the marriage…  

But my second wedding was the wedding I didn’t dare to dream! I got married at King David, on Har Tzion, I mean I wouldn’t have ever let myself dream of getting married in Israel, forget about next to the King of Israel… forget it, not happening, let’s get real here… I wanted an organza dress, don’t ask I gave up on it the first time around, too expensive, too hard to find. So now in Israel people told me – it doesn’t exist in America, are you crazy searching for it here? Get real! Yes, you guessed, Hashem sent me a silk organza dress imported from London for a bargain price, long story. They say that when a bride finds the right dress she knows because she starts crying. That was true the first time. But when I saw that dress, I started dancing! “Thank you, Hashem! I believed, and You sent me my organza dress!” Need I tell you that it fit like it had been custom-made for me? And the band, and the hall… I could keep going. 

Forget about weddings, that’s just a simple example. And don’t think I don’t have my tests and struggles because if I didn’t, then why be in this world at all?  

But my life is totally different. I don’t push for what I want anymore. When things don’t go the way I thought, like when the sellers suddenly walked away at the contract signing of the apartment that I thought I wanted… I didn’t push. I said, “Thank you, Hashem, You know what you’re doing!” And boy did He! Every time I think about it sitting in my apartment now, I say, “Thank G-D we didn’t buy that apartment! Phew! What a close save!”  

It’s a constant struggle with big tests to put my head down and say, “I don’t get it, I don’t know why, but if You don’t want this, then neither do I. This is Your world, You created it and not me, do whatever You want, I know it’s for the best, thank You.”  

I’ve said that more than once on life-and-death situations, like when my one-month-old baby was burning up with fever, and when my apartment was on fire. Things I wouldn’t wish on anyone! 

And I saw huge miracles, thank you, Hashem. The baby came home from the hospital okay, the apartment – well I wrote that one up in the article My House was Saved from the Fire. 

Because the key is the emuna and the trust in Hashem to cancel your will and to accept His.  

Even and especially when it hurts the most, when it’s the most terrifying. 

That’s the irony – miracles come when you totally give up already, when you decide to be happy exactly now, exactly as it is, however hard.  

This is what Hashem wants? Well then I want it to! 

And then it changes.    

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Rachel Avrahami grew up in Los Angeles, CA, USA in a far-off valley where she was one of only a handful of Jews in a public high school of thousands. She found Hashem in the urban jungle of the university. Rachel was privileged to read one of the first copies of The Garden of Emuna in English, and the rest, as they say, is history. She made Aliyah and immediately began working at Breslev Israel.   
 
Rachel is now the Editor of Breslev Israel’s English website. She welcomes questions, comments, articles, and personal stories to her email: rachel.avrahami@breslev.co.il.  

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If you also have a “Say Thank You and See Miracles” story you would like to share, please send it to us! Stories may be posted on our website anonymously and sent to Rabbi Arush.  Please email me with your story at: rachel.avrahami@breslev.co.il.