True Honor

 

 

Our Sages also taught that “When a husband and wife merit – the Divine presence dwells between them.” (Talmud Sotah, 17) When a man has peace in his home, the Divine presence accompanies him and protects him from the pitfalls of this world. He has success and blessing in everything he does. Without peace in his home, he is exposed to all dangers, and doomed to darkness and failure, for “When they do not merit, a fire consumes them (ibid).” Without shalom bayit, he can’t succeed, for Hashem is not with him.

 

Peace in the home is the source of all of Hashem’s blessings, which we need in order to bring ourselves and the world as a whole to perfection. Peace in the home is not a luxury or an added extra, something to make our lives more comfortable or enjoyable. It’s the most important factor in a man’s individual life, and in the perfection of the entire world.

 

Marital peace is the most important and precious asset we have. We need to devote all our energy into achieving it and be willing to pay any price to obtain it. We can’t afford to live without it.

 

 

Hashem Himself puts peace between husband and wife above everything else – even above His own honor. We learn this from the case of the “Sotah” – the wayward wife. The husband of a woman who secluded herself with another man suspects her of infidelity and brings her to a priest in the Holy Temple. The latter would inscribe the biblical passage dealing with the “Sotah” onto a parchment, which was then immersed in a jug of fresh spring water until the writing was dissolved. The wife would then drink some of this water and it would test her innocence or guilt.

 

The passage written on this parchment contained the Tetragrammaton, Hashem’s ineffable four letter name, which it is forbidden to erase. Yet, here the parchment was purposefully immersed in water until the writing had all been washed off. Hashem commands us to erase His name in order to prove the innocence of a wife and make peace between her and her husband. There is no other situation where this is allowed.

 

This is even more incredible when we consider that Hashem Himself keeps the laws of the Torah. “From where do we know that Hashem visits the sick? As it says in Genesis (18:1) ‘And Hashem appeared to him [Abraham, after his circumcision] in the plains of Mamre.’ From where do we know that He buries the dead? As it says in Deuteronomy (34:6) ‘And He buried him [Moses] in the valley’” (Braishit Rabbah 8). But, when a couple’s relationship is hanging in the balance, Hashem commands us to transgress a severe prohibition of the Torah – to erase His name, to teach us how important it is to Him that husband and wife live in peace.

 

“How great is peace, for Hashem says to erase in water the name that is written in holiness, in order to make peace between a man and his wife.” (Vayikra Rabba 9)

 

 

For the sake of peace, Hashem is willing to forego His honor, even though the whole world was created only for His honor, as it says in Isaiah (43:7) “Everything which is called by My name and for My honor I created it, formed it and made it.” Hashem wants us to know that His greatest honor is a couple’s peaceful marriage.

 

Even though Hashem forgoes His honor to make peace between a man and his wife, this way His honor is actually increased. This is an expression of Hashem’s magnificent humility, which makes us love and respect Him all the more. We learn an essential principle from this, namely, that when we concede something to make peace, we never lose, but only gain.

 

The benefits of maintaining peace are twofold – you get peace itself, the vessel for all blessings, and you also often get to keep whatever you were willing to concede. But if a person is obstinate and unwilling to concede something for the sake of peace, his loss will be double – no peace and therefore no vessel for Divine blessings, plus the loss of whatever one was unwilling to concede as well.

 

Let’s see some real-life examples:

 

 

When a man isn’t willing to concede his honor for the sake of peace with his wife, he may save face in the short term, but in the long term he’ll suffer greatly for it. His losses will outweigh his gains. Since it’s impossible to have a peaceful relationship when a husband is fussy about his honor, once the peace is gone, he’ll suffer greater humiliation than whatever his wife would have given him.

 

The greatest humiliation is when people know that a man’s home is a battleground, that he wasn’t able to build a happy and successful home. If he tries to blame his wife, people will nonetheless look at him pitifully. Who is he is trying to humiliate, the mother of his children and the foundation of his home? She’s the woman he pledged to honor, love and care for? Why is he destroying his own home, for his conceived honor?

 

One can’t hide a lack of peace in the home. Eventually, the wife will break down and confide in one of her friends or in her mother. The neighbors will hear things or will just see the miserable couple’s faces. Not only will people look down at the husband, but his wife and children will lose respect for him, since he is responsible for this shameful situation. He is a source of embarrassment to them.

 

By forfeiting peace with his wife to preserve his honor, he ends up disgracing himself and his family beyond his worst nightmares. He becomes a living example of what our Sages say, that whoever chases honor – honor eludes him.

 

When a man places peace before anything else, including his own honor, then although he may lose face occasionally in the short term, in the long term he merits true honor – peace in his home. Everyone respects a person with self-control who concedes to others for the sake of peace. The Gemara praises such a person “Who are shamed but do not shame, who hear their disgrace and do not respond, about them it says (Judges 5:31), ‘And His beloved ones are like the sun coming out in its strength’ (Talmud Shabbos 88).”

 

We are taught that he who is honorable is the one who honors others. The Torah is not impressed by someone whom others honor, but only by someone who honors other people. Such a person is truly honorable. His wife and children will respect him, since they see in him the calming image of a man with good character traits and inner strength. These qualities give him an aura of authority and royalty.

 

A person who is willing to forego his own honor for the sake of peace, eventually gains both peace and honor. “Whoever flees from honor – honor pursues him.”