A Mother’s Love

Translated by Chana Cohen

 

After many years of hardship and longing, of orphan-hood, loss and bereavement, after not forgetting my dear mother’s soul and having such a hard time getting accustomed to my loss, suddenly she arrived. I gave birth to a daughter! Congratulations! Creator of the universe, thank You!

 

My mother passed away when I was a young girl.

 

Nothing can prepare a person for this unnatural and harsh reality. My small, sheltered world collapsed. Only after the fact can we comprehend the depth and meaning of the expression, “There is no one like a mother” But then it is already too late.

 

Obviously we have no control over our lives, and everything is orchestrated by G-d. But my life was turned upside down overnight.

 

I had a functioning home, happy parents who cared for me, and a childhood full of wonderful experiences. I came from a loving and protected place, from warm arms embracing me tightly. I knew I was very important to my mother, and that she would always listen intently to what I had to say. Even when she reprimanded me I felt that it was coming from a place of love…

 

Suddenly, in place of all of that there was only emptiness. My mother had gone to a better world.

 

I physically felt like a part of my heart was missing.

 

Daddy doesn’t know how to cook, so there’s no more hot food. There’s no one interested in me, asking about me, worrying for me. There’s no one who can caress me with their eyes, no one to share my experiences with. There is no one to soothe the aching emptiness in my heart, and even as time passes and the years go by, there is no comfort.

 

The people around me got used to it, and they would murmur empty promises and consolations. “Everything will be fine, it will be good!”

 

But I need to feel good from the inside out. I need to feel something good filling up my soul and warming my blood! I want to feel my childhood home again!  I need to feel like I’m tucked inside my mother’s heart once again.

 

From the moment I lost my mother, every happy occasion was mixed with sadness.

 

Of course I say thank you for all that I do have, because I know that everything comes from G-d. However, nothing can ever be perfect because my mother is always missing.

 

And that pang in my heart, hurting me anew each time, why? Why can’t she be here at my side?

 

At night I wipe away the tears. The tears that never stop because of the one small and hidden desire that still lives on in my heart – I wish I could at least see my mother in a dream. To breathe, to feel again, to look at her… but even that never happened!!

 

And so the years passed. I grew from a little girl to a teenager and my coping methods changed. Then I grew into adulthood, and became a wife and then… a mother. Each stage of life is so full of joy, but something is always missing. I always feel so alone… and I wonder. “Mommy, if you were by my side during the greatest moments of my life, what would you have said? What would you have suggested? How much would you have helped me? Oh Mommy, I could’ve been so much more relaxed and assured with you at my side…”

 

But other than the ache in my heart, nothing changed. My mother was always missing from the picture, from the puzzle of my life.

 

However, when my daughter (born after a few boys) was born, something happened!

 

She looked up at me, so small and so beautiful. And she looked so much like my mother! She let out a sweet little cry, and I hugged her tight. I breathed in her sweetness. I felt ready to do anything in the world to calm her. I wrapped her up from every direction and whispered, “I will always watch over you, my precious little girl. I’ll never leave you as long as I live…”. She instantly calmed down.

 

Suddenly she opened a pair of big eyes. Wow… what a pure soul, what a tremendous merit it is to have her! What a gorgeous girl! This is the most perfect little girl to be named after my mother! Immediately I felt a wondrous connection, one that not every mother feels with their daughter, but one that I had the merit to experience. I embraced her tightly and took it all in, and imagined that my mother was hugging me close once again.

 

Tomorrow, tomorrow we will be giving her the most special name (to me at least).

 

After 20 years, I will finally merit to reach this great milestone. I will name my daughter after the mother I loved so much my whole life. What a merit it is to be a mother, to be one who bestows so graciously and gives of herself in such a special way… like my own mother.

 

But I also feel an ache inside. Why do I have to be in this place altogether? It feels so unnatural. Why do I need to give my daughter my mother’s name in place of having my mother here beside me, holding her granddaughter in her arms? Only someone who has experienced this feeling themselves can understand what I’m talking about.

 

The big day arrived. The phone didn’t stop ringing. “Congratulations! What a beautiful name! This is so exciting! We’re so happy for you!”

 

Suddenly, something in my heart filled. After many long years, the name rang out in our home once more. Once again we were using Mommy’s name. Once again friends and family were being reminded of the person that I never forgot. Once again my home was filled with positive energy.

 

I can feel her in the air. I can once again feel that hug that disappeared, that hug that I longed for so much.

 

I go to my little girl and gaze at her with great love and pride. “In your merit, my precious little one, I was rewarded. I merited to bring my mother back to life. I brought back her memory, which was forgotten by the people around me, to life. It’s true that you, my special little one, are different than her. You’re a different person, with a life that is completely different and will hopefully be much better than hers was. But in your merit we once again hear her name. Once again we can remember and tell the stories about my one and only unique and precious mother, we can look at her picture again and this time cry tears of joy…”.

 

And just like in stories, there couldn’t have been a happier ending.

 

Two days after we named our little girl after my mother, I was gifted with a dream about her! Suddenly my mother appeared in my dream, fading in and out. Then her image was visible through the clouds. She was smiling and glowing. My precious mother! She looked at me with shining eyes and said one short statement: “You made me proud!”

 

Me?! Me, her little girl, who grew up and became a mother myself. Me, who waited and longed for her for years, who dreamed about and wished and waited for the great day when we would meet again… I made her proud!!

 

Since then something has calmed down in my heart, and it is filled again and again.

 

 

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Talya Levy, (B.A. in education) has been in the field for 12 years. She is an experienced bridal teacher and a very experienced writer. She works in emotional and spiritual health according to the Torah and Chassidut. She is a wife and a mother of four, thank G-d. She can be contacted at talyalevi226@gmail.com