Prince Charming

Dear Racheli,

For the past several months, my wife has inexplicably become disinterested in being intimate with me. She refuses my advances and has skipped going to the mikvah on more than one occasion. As a result, I am guilty of desecrating the brit, and I feel terrible about it. But what can I do? I’m a man, and I have needs. I can’t go on like this much longer. The tension is ruining our marriage. Help!

Richard

Richard,

I am not a man, but I’m convinced that I was one in a past life, so I feel that I have some residual understanding of what you’re going through. Believe me, I really feel for you. Physical desires are arguably the hardest desires to resist. It’s amazing how different the needs of men and women are. While a man has a biological need to be intimate every three minutes, a woman has a biological need to buy something new every three minutes.

Thank goodness, we are able to resist those needs much of the time, except for when our husbands travel to the States on their emuna tours, during which time we are overwhelmed by a compulsion to buy as many things as can fit into one or two (or three) suitcases. But when we go for a prolonged time without having our needs met, we’re prone to doing things that we know we shouldn’t, but can’t help but do them anyway.

So, first things first. Don’t beat yourself up! You’re human (I think,) and humans do all kinds of stupid things. It’s okay! Teshuva fixes everything! Until you get things sorted out with your wife, I would suggest that you dedicate 30 minutes a day in personal prayer to asking Hashem to help you overcome your physical desires.

Now, let’s move on to your relationship with your wife. She’s “inexplicably” turned off. Something’s not right, Richard. A woman, although not as hot-blooded as a man, will generally respond to her husband’s loving advances – unless she’s tired, hungry, breastfeeding, pregnant, just gave birth, overworked, got lots of stuff on her mind, folding laundry, or wishing she were laying on some gorgeous Caribbean beach. So the fact that she’s refusing your advances all of a sudden is very telling.

Richard, you need to do some serious self-assessment. Here are one or two questions you should ask yourself: How are you as a husband? What is your personality like around her? Are you agreeable? What’s your temperament like? Do you criticize her? Do you try to make pleasant conversation with her? Do you show interest in how her day was? Can she talk with you about what’s bothering her? Do you thank her for all of her efforts around the house? Do you try to help out when you’re home? Do you ignore her and watch TV or play around on your phone? If you have kids, are you a good, loving, and involved father?

I can tell you that as a woman, there is no greater turn-off than a husband who doesn’t show interest, who doesn’t compliment me, who doesn’t give me attention, and who doesn’t put forth 100% effort in every way for me. And I gotta tell you that I’m not the only one. We women don’t only want to feel like #1; we want to feel like there is no #2. If we smell the slightest lack of attention, we go into shutdown mode and you can say bye bye to intimacy.

You should also rule out any personal issues she may be going through that she hasn’t told you about, like stress at work or with a friend. Stress is a great romance killer, you know. If things are relatively normal, I have a few more suggestions for you: first, read my article, The Princess and the Caveman. It’ll give you the lowdown on the three A’s: attention, affection, and appreciation. Second, read The Garden of Peace. This book is hands-down the best marital guide in existence.

Richard, the bottom line is that you need to do your best to turn into Prince Charming. You’ve got to be the husband that your wife dreamed of being married to. That means you need to be romantic, passionate, considerate, well-groomed, well-mannered, sweet, and un-demanding. Do you get my drift? Make her feel like a princess and G-d willing she will make you feel like a king!

Warmest Regards,

Racheli