Devarim: Telling, not Yelling

“These are the words that Moses spoke to all of Israel…” (Deuteronomy 1:1).

Many of the great tzaddikim refused to admonish their followers. Rebbe Nachman of Breslev teaches that, despite the Torah’s mitzva of chastising a person, few people are capable of reprimanding others without fulfilling the Torah’s stipulation that the chastisement should be without embarrassing them[1]. What’s more, few people are capable or qualified to reprimand others. If Rebbe Akiva said that there was no one in his generation that was capable of reprimanding others, then what can we say in our generation?[2]

How then did Rebbe Nachman direct his students and followers on the right path? He told them all types of tales, from which they could arrive at intended conclusions on their own. He wouldn’t tell them to stop chasing money, so he told them about a villager to whom the evil inclination sold a magical horse for a few rubles; people offered the villager all types of sums for the horse, but the villager was never satisfied, even with thousand-fold profit. He wanted more and more until the horse disappeared, swallowed up in a water pump. The villager went insane. This was one of Rebbe Nachman’s cogent tales – even funny when it’s told – but it gets the message across without hurting anyone’s feelings.

Where did Rebbe Nachman learn the ploy of telling a tale instead of yelling at someone? If I’m not mistaken, he learned it from the “words that Moses spoke to all of Israel”. The Book of Deuteronomy is basically Moses’s last will and testament, his address to the People of Israel at the end of their forty years in the desert right before they cross the Jordan River into the Land of Israel. Moses recounts where they have been and he mentions places like Di Zahav, which means “the place of gold”. Rashi remarks that nowhere else in the entire Torah is such a place mentioned. He explains that Moses was chastising the people by telling the story of their journey. By mentioning Di Zahav, they would all be reminded of the Golden Calf and the need to live their lives in penitence. Yet, no one would be embarrassed because no finger was pointed at anyone.

Any lecturer, especially a rabbi or teacher who wants to deliver a message of ethics and morals, must be extremely careful in avoiding any type of direct admonishment that will embarrass anyone. For a lecturer whose goals are solely for Hashem’s sake, there is a well-known spiritual phenomenon that whatever he speaks about, Hashem will enable the listener to receive the exact message that he or she should hear. A righteous lecturer will think twice before letting a world of direct rebuke leave his lips.

So many people allow themselves the luxury of reproving others. Unfortunately, those who don’t feel good about themselves have been known to derive sadistic enjoyment by trampling others. How many children grew up to turn their backs on observant Judaism because of a yelling parent or teacher who shamed them in front in front of their fellow siblings, friends or classmates? Only Hashem knows. One thing is clear: the mitzva of reproof is a dangerous one; if used, one must exercise utmost caution.

Like any other mitzva, the mitzva of tochacha – reproof – requires preparation. Before you reprimand others, think if there’s a chance that you’ll embarrass or upset them. If so, it’s better to refrain from rebuking altogether. At any rate, one must ask himself four questions before chastising, or even criticizing, another person:

1. Is there no chance that my rebuke or criticism will embarrass that person? 

2. Do I love that person and want the best for him/her? 

3. Am I devoid of any trace of arrogance or sadistic enjoyment in rebuking this individual? 

4. Do I understand this individual’s situation in depth and am I sure that this rebuke will be worthwhile for him/her? 

If you can’t answer all of the above four questions with a resounding “yes”, then you’re better off to pass on this mitzva, for it could easily turn into a nasty transgression. Hurt feelings are hard to repair. If Moses and Rebbe Nachman chose telling instead of yelling, we certainly should too.