Pop Quiz

I don’t have many pet peeves, but one of my biggest ones is when a person behaves inconsiderately. I know, I know- obviously I’m inconsiderate in some area. I’m still pretty clueless as to which, and I’m sure my husband would totally give me a blank stare if I asked him.

Today, Hashem decided to remind me of this annoying quality with a test that most people might not even consider to be a test at all. I was pushing the stroller out of the elevator and getting ready to pull open a very wide door to the office I was about to enter. As I reached forward around the stroller to grab the handle in the very tight hallway, a lady pushed open the door from the other side.

I tried to push my stroller around her, assuming she would hold the door open a bit to allow me to move forward until I could reach the handle. Instead, she opened the door halfway and squeezed herself around the door. G-d forbid she would have opened it another inch. To make matters worse, I couldn’t reach the door in time, and it was basically closed by the time I got to it.

I was so mad, I even muttered not so under my breath that what she did was so rude. I actually said it in English, hoping – yet not really – she wouldn’t understand me. You can’t believe how long it upset me. It had to be at least a few hours.

Later on, I was driving to pick up one of my kids from school, and the flash of light from the sudden insight I received almost made me swerve off the road. On the other hand, it could have been the car that was driving towards me as if he owned the road. Great, I just realized- that was another inconsiderate action! What’s wrong with me?!

Actually, I now know what’s wrong with me – well, at least somewhat. In reality, it is not a person’s lack of consideration that bothers me. It’s the affront to my ego that it causes! I realized that when a person isn’t considerate of me, my needs, or my point of view, I get thrown off my invisible black stallion, and my ego doesn’t like to fall 40 feet and land on his butt.

Hashem was telling me this morning: “Woman! You need to work on your humility! ASAP!”  Finally, I see the complete message: I don’t like it when people are inconsiderate of me.

But wait, there’s more! Yes, I need to work on my humility. I thought about it all afternoon, even in between screaming matches with my kids. The main point is the question: why do we keep failing the same tests over and over again? In hindsight, we can beat ourselves up over what a silly failure it was. We can look at the test we failed and say, “What was the big deal? Why did I get so upset? It really wasn’t worth it.”

I realized that life’s tests are really just that: they’re tests. Just like in school, they are a good way for us to gauge where we’re at spiritually. Unfortunately, we can go years without moving up a grade. If this happened to us in school and we kept being held back a grade every year, it would be a fate worse than death.

As for ego, Rav Arush explains that this is the main impediment between us and Hashem. Rebbe Nachman writes (LM 1:52) that a person’s main job in this world is to nullify his ego, so he can return to his Source. Therefore, when Hashem catches us off guard and we fail our tests, He’s just showing us that we need to work harder on getting closer to Him.

Now, here’s the kicker that I realized from my latest failure: how can I pass my test when I don’t prepare for it? Have you ever taken a test without studying for the material? Sure thing. Did you do well on those tests? No way, Jose! In school, I managed to get away with last-minute cramming much of the time. If there were a major in Procrastination, I would have graduated Summa Cum Laude. (Sorry- sometimes I can’t help being cheesy.)

Fortunately or not, life doesn’t work this way. We can’t get away with procrastinating. The bottom line is this – if we don’t prepare for our tests, we will fail them nearly every time. Even if Hashem lets us pass once in a while, we won’t move forward spiritually as we should. Therefore, the only way to pass the pop-quizzes in emuna that Hashem sends us is to pray that we can pass them!

In my example, how can I become humble by failing the same test over and over again? I just need to ask Hashem for humility! This repeated prayer is the preparation I need to be ready for my next test, so I won’t be caught off guard yet again.

Rebbe Nachman elaborates in the same lesson: “One can only reach self-nullification (humility) through hitbodedut – that by secluding himself in personal prayer and opening up his heart and explaining himself to his Creator, a person merits being able to nullify all of his lusts and bad character traits, rising above his physical needs, and melding with his root.”

Here’s Rav Arush’s prescription: 30 minutes a day / 1x daily / 1 trait at a time. You can cure any bad character trait this way. I sincerely hope that we (especially me) take this advice more seriously so we can finally pass our tests!