From the Depths

“From the depths I called You, Hashem” (Psalm 130:1).

I thank Hashem for the deep, dark places from where I was hewn. Though I would never sign up for another life like this one, I wouldn’t have wanted it any differently. I didn’t come to this conclusion easily. It has been years of struggle, and I still struggle quite a bit. Much damage was done, and I cannot deny the affects. Most of the time, I feel like a broken-winged bird.  And yet if I am a broken-winged bird, this is also what Hashem wanted. And there must be another way for me to fly.

As a child I was trapped in a very dark underworld where children were used for selfish monetary gain and to meet the needs of the depraved. It was in this disgusting place that a deep hunger and desire for light was born within me. The deeper the dark, the more insatiable the desire can be. It’s this desire that strengthened me throughout my life to search for Hashem, no matter the many obstacles I would face. It pressed me to push through layers and layers of lies until arriving at a place that seemed like light, only to find out it was a different kind of dark. The desire pushed me to dig through the muck and separate things, “This is Hashem. This isn’t Hashem.”

In this deep dark underworld, it was very clear that the only hope was Hashem. Every adult around me seemed insane, lost in a depravity so deep the slaughter of children’s souls no longer mattered. Any sort of protest against their actions, only resulted in more trauma. I learned early not to ask for help from any adult. I wanted to be as invisible as possible. Why put myself on their radar? There was no safe parent to make everything okay and speak words of truth and comfort. The only place to run was to Hashem, and at this early age, the desperation I felt caused me to plow a pathway to Him through the rocky dirt. He, and the tzaddikim who passed before, would have to be the ones to raise me. Though I didn’t understand who Hashem was, I knew He was taking care of me. I knew He was listening to me.

I think the other children had the greatest impact on me in finding Hashem. When meeting together at another traumatic event, usually an adult party, we looked out for each other. Sometimes one child would take the blame and punishment for another. A crying, battle-weary child would be held and comforted in the arms of another.  Sometimes we shared our reward candy with the ones who didn’t get any. Sometimes we whispered truth into the ear of a child just told she was ugly and stupid. “Don’t listen to him. You are really smart and pretty. He is a liar.” Sometimes we sat close together and held hands while awaiting our fate. We often complied with the adults’ demands in order to protect each other.

As I experienced the love I felt for the others and the deep desire I had to protect and care for them, I felt the closest to Hashem. I felt His love pouring in me and through me. There was warmth all around, like a room filled with angels. It was those times I felt like I was really myself and not a puppet. And even though I was only 5-years old, I could foresee a future that would be good. The kind of love we had for each other could only be Hashem. It lifted us out of the depravity around us and gave us a sense of a higher world. The Lubavitcher Rebbe was right, “A little bit of light can dispel a lot of darkness.”

I have heard Rabbi Lazer Brody say that the children with cancer are very holy souls who came down to suffer as atonement for the sins of this generation. Sometimes I believe that the same is true for some of the children trapped in abusive homes and the heinous underworld. These children, these souls, chose to take it upon themselves to leave the beautiful Heavens and dive into the deepest darkness. They chose to have the worst sins piled on top of them so that they could be an atonement.

The dark isn’t always what it seems. Things can look so horrible at times, and the pain inside can seem unbearable. Through it all Hashem is bringing us closer. In the end we will see that all the pain, struggling, falling and climbing was worth it. This is why, with our emuna, we bless Hashem for the good and the bad. Sometimes embedded within the deepest dark, we can find the most precious treasures.