Nothing to Hide

When Mark was 20 years old he became a Torah observant Jew and enrolled in a yeshiva. It was a good move for Mark, he loved his new life and took to learning Torah right away. He dreamt of spending the rest of his life learning Torah which after 25 years he still does. Mark’s progress as a “learner” was spectacular. He worked hard and advanced from level to level so that today he learns in one of the most prestigious yeshivas in the world where he has been learning full time for the past 15 years.  Mark is now a seasoned Torah scholar who has learned the entire Talmud and learned it well – alas there’s another side to this story.
 
You see when Mark first embarked with excitement upon his spiritual voyage into the yeshiva world, he was a young man who smiled and had friends and socialized normally – but that’s not the case today.  Mark hasn’t had any friends for years and he sorely misses having people in his life that he can open up to and spend time with – but unfortunately Mark’s situation is even more serious than this.
 
Over the years, Mark’s psychological health has spiraled down. He became not only socially and emotionally isolated but he became the victim of paranoid ideas and very fixed false beliefs that certain others were plotting against him. Fears of being persecuted and ruined by others began to dominate Mark’s consciousness and at times it became impossible for him to learn or pray.
 
Eventually Mark turned to psychiatric medication in the hope that the right combination of medicines would stop the terrifying intrusive thoughts and “command” hallucinations (voices in his mind) that tortured him. On several occasions, these “voices” commanded Mark to jump up from his seat in the yeshiva or in the synagogue and run for his life. He responded to these voices by running out into the street in a cold sweat as though there was a real threat to his life.  Mark didn’t respond to psychiatric medication and continued to suffer with episodes of psychosis for many years.
 
The obvious question is what happened to Mark? What changed in his life that could possibly explain the onset of these kinds of troubles?  What caused this radical change in Mark’s personality that suddenly transformed him from a normally out-going person to someone with paranoid schizophrenia?
 
I can’t say for sure but here are some thoughts to consider:
 
Yeshivas differ from one another about how to educate a baal teshuva (someone new to Torah observant Judaism) and prepare him for his future as a religious Jew. The philosophy of the first yeshiva that Mark attended was that he should hide the fact that he had not been born from religious parents and was not raised in a religious environment. He was told that he and his future children would be more accepted in the religious community if he never spoke about his past and tried his best to act like everybody else. He was told that if he didn’t conceal his true identity that he ran a high risk that his children would be barred from the best schools and yeshivas and that his children would certainly not get “the best” arranged marriages.
 
Mark was a serious student who trusted in the leading Rabbi of the yeshiva who advised him to make a total break from his past which included cutting himself off from friends and family who were not religious. Mark followed his Rabbi’s advice and never revealed his secret to anyone, until 6 months ago when we first met.
 
Can you imagine how the advice that Mark received effected him emotionally? How would you feel if you were told, in effect, that you should be ashamed of who you are and where you came from; and that you should do everything in your power to hide your true identity by cutting yourself off from your disgraceful past? Is it any wonder that Mark’s personality and mode of socializing became progressively less open and spontaneous? His new religious “life” became progressively more inhibited and dominated by the fear that he might slip and be “found out.” Eventually he learned to say practically nothing. When he met his study partner in the morning he said “good morning” and when he left at night he said “good night.”  The only “permitted” conversation that he allowed himself was related to the subject that they were learning about.
 
Is it natural or wise for a person to deny his past in this way? According to Rabbi Shalom Arush and other leading Rabbi’s, it is not. Not only is it psychologically harmful to lead a double-life, but it is strongly opposed to what the Torah itself wants us to do. Not only doesn’t the Torah hide the less than distinguished origins of the Jewish people but it seems to goes out of the way to publicize it as I will now show.
 
The Torah tells us that  Abraham and Sarah, the first Jewish couple were not born in holiness. Both Abraham and Sarah came from homes that were filled with the worst type of heresy and idol worship. The Torah doesn’t hide the fact that Abraham was the son of the evil Terach or that Sarah was the daughter of Haran, who was also not known for his sterling qualities. Yet, the Torah teaches us that despite their not having been raised in “nice religious families” Abraham and Sarah went on to pass  G-d’s tests and were ultimately selected by G-d to become the parents of the Jewish nation. In fact Abraham and Sarah became so holy that with G-d’s help they produced Isaac and from Isaac and Rebecca came Jacob and from Jacob and his two wives Rachel and Leah came the twelve holy tribes of Israel.
 
Rabbi Natan of Breslev beckons us to think of how amazing this actually is. He says that the first human being that was born in holiness from holy parents was Isaac. In effect, Isaac was the first FFB (Frum {religious} From Birth) Jew. So we see from the example of Abraham, Sarah and Isaac that even if someone was born from parents who were themselves not born in holiness that it was G-d’s Will to reveal for all time that the willpower and effort that leads to Torah study, prayer and  spiritual growth surpasses heredity in importance. In other words, even parents whose origins were very far from G-d and Torah, could through prayer, study and hard work reach a very high level of holiness. The fact that the Torah is so open about the undistinguished backgrounds of Abraham and Sarah is a lesson for anyone who becomes religious later in life that they have nothing to hide and should rather be proud of their spiritual accomplishments.
 
About eight months ago, Mark heard Rabbi Shalom Arush speak for the first time. He was immediately drawn to Rabbi Arush who is open about his not having always been religious. Shortly after that, Mark began weekly and sometimes twice per week emuna coaching sessions with me. With G-d’s help, although Mark still has his struggles, he has been free of serious psychiatric symptoms for almost six months now.  Not only is Mark no longer psychotic but he looks and sounds like a different person. His wife confirms that his new-found happiness and increased communication with her is nothing short of miraculous. Mark has openly made 60 minutes of personal prayer a regular part of his daily routine in the yeshiva where he learns despite the fact that many of the other scholars there frown upon this practice.
 
I have suggested to Mark that with the blessing of Rabbi Arush, and hopefully with the cooperation of his psychiatrist, it is time for him to start tapering off the psychiatric medications that he has been taking for the past 15 years. But more than anything else, Mark wants a friend – someone he can trust with the truth about himself and who will appreciate his amazing accomplishments.  Of course, Mark is very happy and excited about the possibilities!