The Lighthouse

Happy Husband, Happy Home (part 2)

Isaac and Rivka’s fighting has escalated to the point that they need marital counseling. However, after all of the counselor’s well-meaning advice, they haven’t been able to get out of their destructive pattern. Why?

They still haven’t discovered the root of the problem.

What exactly is ruining their happily-ever-after?

Well, if Isaac would have read Rav Arush’s marital guide for men, “The Garden of Peace”, he would have clearly understood that he was the cause of the problem.

Whoah, husbands, before you get all up in arms and stop reading, just keep reading. Rav Arush explains that the husband spiritually functions as the light-giver of the house. As a result, he literally sets the tone of the family when he’s home. When he’s happy, his wife and family are happy. When he’s calm, they’re calm. When he’s angry or upset, his family reacts negatively.

Now this may sound unfair, but this is the reality. The wife is like the moon, completely dependent on the sun for her light. If he shines love and light on her, she’s happy and fulfilled. She’ll make sure to attend to all of his needs, and put all of her love into everything she does for her family. Their marriage will be heaven on earth. However, if she suffers from a severe shortage of light, what energy does she have to give back to him? She’s running on empty, and the only way she knows how to express her emptiness is to nag and pick arguments with him. She may not even realize what’s going on.

Now, dear husbands, you may say that you need attention and love, too. You also have hard, tiring days and you also have emotional needs that must be fulfilled. Well, Rav Arush would say that if you’re waiting for your wife to fill your emotional needs first, then there are two wives in the relationship. You’re like two chess players in a stalemate, waiting for the other one to make the first move. In the meantime, your marriage is deteriorating.

Now Rav Arush is not denying that men need to feel loved and appreciated. Of course you do. However, your job as a man is to be the man in the relationship and give her what she needs first. Even if you’re already caught in a cycle of fighting and cold shoulders, it is your responsibility to give in first.

You must give up your ego for the sake of your marriage. Think of it as your sacrifice. You’re sacrificing your ego in order to regain the love and support of your wife, which you need as much as air itself.

So, does this mean that the wife is faultless? No. Absolutely not. She must also contribute to the improvement and repair of your marriage. The difference is that you must instigate it. Since, without realizing, you instigated the downfall of the marriage, it is up to you to start to fix it.

This is why I think many husbands are tone-deaf. They don’t realize that they are setting the tone of their marriage and family life with each action they make. It’s a huge responsibility.

There are too many divorces that have started from fights about trivial things. He complains that the house is too messy. She complains that he steps right over the pillows strewn across the floor without even bothering to pick them up. What’s really going on? There’s a spiritual disconnection between them, and it has nothing to do with raised toilet seats and wrinkled dress shirts.

Husbands, you and your wives deserve a marriage of nothing less than the romance and bliss that you envisioned when you first got married. The reality is that such happiness doesn’t come without earning it. A happy marriage takes years of compromise and thinking of your wife’s needs before your own.

Take it from me, a wife. When your wife nags you, it’s just because she’s not getting the love and attention she needs. As soon as you realize that, you’ll quickly avoid any potential blowups. I guess you could say marriage is like a minefield- you have to watch every step!

Rav Arush’s marital guide, “The Garden of Peace”, has saved thousands and thousands of marriages. Don’t you think yours is worth saving, too?