Fault Lines

Eight years' ago, when everything in my life started 'going wrong' in a big way, I went through at least three or four years of being very jealous of a lot of the people around me. I was so jealous of the people who 'decided' to have a child, and then two months' later, they were already pregnant.
 
I was so jealous of the people who still had successful careers, and who knew 'what they were doing with their lives'; I was so jealous of the couples who were jetting off to expensive hotels for the holidays, while I was stuck with two small kids and zero entertainment budget, trying to work out how one packet of plasticine could last all Summer.
 
Ooooh, how jealous I was of their gorgeous houses, of their coffee mornings, of their shopping outings and super-fancy BBQ extravaganzas.
 
It took me a couple of years to get over losing my big, expensive house; another year or two to make my peace with not having a high-profile career anymore, or a fat bank account; and a further year to make my peace with being Mrs Billy No-Mates. But not having more kids?? That was a tough one, and I got stuck on it for years and years and years.
 
"G-d, please, give me a break! Ok, you needed to teach me emuna by taking away my cash, career, social group and house. But why no more kids?? What's going on with that?"
 
I really didn't get it. Even when I thought I got it intellectually, I still harboured a lot of sadness and resentment in my secret heart, that G-d hadn't seen fit to give me more kids.
 
But last year, something profound started to shift in my perception of the world, and I started to realize just what a massive present G-d had given me, when He messed up my life in such a fundamental way.
 
Last year, I had a number of massive breakthroughs in my private life, and in my 'inner world', and I came to realize that the path I was on when I was in my 'successful mode' would have led to so much heartache, destruction and pain, if G-d hadn't intervened.
 
You see, I had a whole bunch of fault lines that were buried in my soul and my personality, that would have only widened with age and become even more damaging and destructive to myself, my marriage, my kids and the people around me.
 
One of them was called: competition. I was constantly out to prove myself superior to others, no matter what the cost. Another was called: selfishness. I was so self-centred and self-obsessed when I was 'successful'. These days, I cringe to think of how I used to be the only person that mattered in the world, and how cruel I could be to my husband and my kids as a result.
 
Another fault line was called: whining and complaining. Nothing was ever good enough. Nothing was ever fair. I never got what I really deserved – and even when I did get something amazing, I wasn't happy with it for long.
 
Related to this was the fault line of criticism: I could, and frequently did, rip people apart for their substandard personalities, work, time-keeping, character issues and lifestyle choices.
 
There were many more fault lines too, like sadness, depression, worry, anxiety and fear. But as long as I was a 'success', they stayed buried and I had no idea how bad they really were, or how much damage they were really doing.
 
This week, I spoke to someone who is coming to terms with a whole bunch of 'fault lines' of their own, that G-d is finally bringing out into the open. The older you get, the more painful, hard and heartbreaking the process of trying to fix them becomes, because the collateral damage gets bigger with each passing year.
 
I was very sad for them, although I know it will ultimately be a very good, cleansing and healing process that will lead to some big, healthy lifestyle changes. But I also realized what a miracle G-d did for me, that He didn't let my fault lines ride, undetected, for another decade.
 
Thanks G-d, for the infertility! Thanks for the debts, the confusion, the family problems, all the moving around, all the humbling 'failures' I had to endure this past ten years!
 
With the economy falling off a cliff, with the weather going crazy, and the world in increasing turmoil, a lot more of us are discovering our 'fault lines' these days. The gloss is fast peeling off our 'successful' lives, and the cracks are starting to show all over the place.
 
It's scary; it's depressing; it's terrifying – and it's also the best opportunity we'll ever have to look our fault lines in the face, and get on with the job of asking G-d to help us to fix them.
 
 
* * *
Check out Rivka Levy's new book The Happy Workshop based on the teachings of Rabbi Shalom Arush