V for Validation

When I was in sixth grade, I got this crazy idea in my head that I should try out for the cheer-leading team for the following year. I don’t know what I was thinking – I wasn’t popular, I wasn’t pretty, and my legs were way too hairy for such a short excuse for a skirt (my mother wouldn’t let me shave). Nonetheless, I practiced for weeks with a friend of mine, trying to do cart wheels and other Cirque du Soleil-type maneuvers with as little awkwardness as possible. I probably looked as ridiculous as an elephant trying to dance ballet to Tchaikovsky’s “The Nutcracker”.

Did I mention I was slightly klutzy?

Anyways, the day of tryouts rolled around (on a Saturday), and I ended up not going. I chickened out, but I prefer to think that I was just too holy. It was their loss – I would have been their loudest screamer…

These days, my cheer-leading is limited to: “Wow, what a great job you did building those Lego’s! I’m so proud of you!” as I do my best to flash a pearly white cheerleader’s smile in the middle of a dirty diaper change. My cheer-leading for my husband’s accomplishments is much less enthusiastic and somewhat dry: “Oh, you took out the garbage this month? Greeeaaaat.” Maybe I should flash a fake two-thumbs-up to make it extra sarcastic.

Now, however, I really have something to cheer for. In a previous article, “Silent Triggers”, I discussed that many times, a difficult situation elicits such an over-the-top reaction because that challenge is pressing on a painful emotional button that we may not realize we have. For me, one of the biggest silent triggers for anger is when my kids fight. Even though I realize that all kids fight, for some reason, my reaction was way too intense. It felt to me like I was caught up in their fight. As a result, I wasn’t doing a very good job of mediating and calming everyone down.

A few weeks ago, I met with a wonderful social worker who asked me to describe what life was like in my house growing up. I asked her if she had ever watched “When Animals Attack”. Of course I was referring to my sister, duh! I was like the gazelle, running for her life from the vicious cheetah. And that’s what we call selective memory, folks.

She then asked me how my parents handled our fighting.  I replied that she always got away with everything. “Bingo!” she said. “Your feelings of revenge when your kids fight are connected to the fact that no one validated your feelings when you were hurt!”

Wow! Double bingo! It made perfect sense!

That was the missing key! When I felt like strangling one kid because he ripped a toy out of the other kid’s hand, then smacked him in the face, what I should have done was focus on validating the other kid’s hurt feelings! Going for blood doesn’t really fix the problem, even though it made me feel a whole lot better!

Another reason for my disproportionate reaction was that I just didn’t know what to do at that moment. I didn’t know how to react, and as a result, my frustration got the best of me- so I went for the kill. Racheli Reckles, Bounty Hunter.

She explained that every time the kids fight and one gets hurt, all that kid wants is for his feelings to be validated. He doesn’t usually have the need for revenge, unless he comes from my mother’s side of the family. Wow, did that really make everything better? Just a simple, “I’m sorry you got hurt- I know you’re upset”?

Well, using all of my willpower and focus, I was able to try her advice within three minutes of my kids coming home from school! Lucky me! It was nearly impossible to stifle my screams as my kids started beating on each other with walkie talkies and magical flying cars. Okay, one car to the head…kid crying….oh, yeah, that’s my cue!

Like a Spanish actress in a telenovela (minus the eight pounds of mascara), I ran over to the crying one with open arms, an overly concerned look on my face, and an almost-sobbing voice, “Oh, my darling, my sweetheart, are you okayyyy?”

I’m still getting the hang of it.

Anyways, I figure it’s better to focus all of my pent-up volcanic energy onto the kid that got hurt rather than exploding on the kid that did the hurting. Admittedly, most times, I fail miserably. If it’s not an outright yelling attack on the one who supposedly started, it might be a time-out threat or an I’m-gonna-smack-your-tush-if-you-don’t-get-in-your-room threat.

Each day I try to make a decent improvement. It’s amazing how hard it is to internalize a new behavioral response. I think we should call ourselves Pavlov’s Humans, because we’re really no different from the dogs who drooled as a learned and conditioned response to the ringing of the bell. Nonetheless, I will continue on with my operatic saga and not so occasional drill sergeant discipline until I manage to find a decent balance.

Here’s a great cheer I just came up with:

Gimme a V! Gimme an A! Gimme a LIDATION! What does it spell???

VALIDATION!

Maybe I would have made a good cheerleader after all.