The Marital Sand Trap

Dear Rabbi Lazer,

Before the wedding, my wife and I were best friends. We both love golf and tennis, so we’d play a lot together. Something strange has happened in the three years since we’ve been married – we’re not best friends any more. To be honest, we’re not even friends. I can’t make the slightest comment without her blowing up at me. Even on the golf course, when I see she’s doing something wrong and I try to give her advice for her own good, she goes crazy. I need your help; three years ago, she was calm and attractive, and now she’s a bundle of nerves that’s impossible to live with. Not only that, but she doesn’t even want to play golf or tennis with me anymore. By the way, we’re not Jewish and we really appreciate your availability to all people. Thank you for your time. Sincerely, LP, Pennsylvania

Dear LP,

Before the wedding, your “best friend” relationship with your wife was fun and games with no responsibility or commitment. Playtime friendships don’t necessarily last under fire. Foxhole friendships – when the two of you are being bombarded from all sides – last a lifetime. Marriage is not a country club; it’s pulling together when the two of you are bombarded from all sides.

Obviously, your premarital infatuation kept you on your best behavior. After the wedding, once you had the bread in your basket, you allowed yourself to begin criticizing her. By your admission, in three short years she has transformed from “calm and attractive” to “a bundle of nerves that’s impossible to live with”. Sorry, LP, but it’s all your doing. I’m sure it’s the last thing you want to do, but you’re destroying your wife with your own two hands. Your job is to be a loving husband, and not a kangaroo court. Who asked for your criticism? She’d much rather be a mid 90’s golfer with a loving husband rather than a low 80’s golfer with the state comptroller as a partner in life. She needs a husband and a faithful companion, not a judge and jury or a kangaroo court.

Criticism destroys a person’s confidence. When criticism is frequent, it also eats away at a spouse’s self-image. The lower a person’s confidence and self-image, the more they become hypersensitive and nervous. In golf terms, criticism is a marital sand trap – easy to fall into, hard to get out of.

LP, from this moment on, you must decide to refrain from any and all criticism, justified or not. If your wife burns your dinner, eat it, smile, and tell her that it’s the best thing you ever ate. And if, heaven forbid, you’re entertaining fantasies of divorcing her, I guarantee you that your next relationship will be 10 times worse. I give you my solemn promise that if your stop the criticism, begin complimenting her and allowing her to drop her emotional guard, within 30 days your life and your marriage will take a dramatic turn for the better. If you read The Garden of Peace and implement its advice, your marriage will be better than you ever dreamed it could be. When you finish that, I’d add The Trail to Tranquility as your next read too.

Happy marriage and criticism don’t mix. Put that in your heart and brain and don’t ever forget it. Write me again in another month, and let me know how things are. Today, buy her flowers and take her to her favorite restaurant; remember how you used to feel about her when you were dating. Now get your marital act together and you can look forward to happier times. I strongly suggest that you do different, less competitive and more together-oriented activities as hiking or biking instead of tennis and golf. Also, these following CDs will make a revolutionary change for the better in your marriage and in your attitude toward your wife: Respecting Your Wife, First Place, Peace in the Home, Uprooting Anger, A Kind Word and All in the Family. You don’t have to be Jewish to benefit from our books and CDs, LP – with Divine assistance, they’ll surely help you. I’m pulling for you! Blessings always, LB