How to Kill Your Marriage

Tracy and John sat across from the therapist’s desk, both looking down. The silence was thick and uncomfortable. Suddenly, Tracy burst into tears. “I can’t take it anymore!” she sobbed. “For 12 years he’s killed me every single day. I’m done with this marriage!”

John looked at her helplessly, not knowing what to do or say. He knew he loved her in his heart, but he was just beginning to understand that his actions said the very opposite.

“For the past 12 years, I’ve made him my top priority in life,” Tracy continued. “I cook for him, do his laundry, keep up the house, and raise our children. But in all this time, all I’ve gotten was grief.

He’s constantly criticizing me, putting me down, making fun of my efforts, or just plain ignoring me. As soon as he gets home he’s on his phone, checking his emails, answering my questions with grunts. That is, if he answers them at all! Usually I say something and get no response because he’s just not paying attention!”

John had to interrupt: “I’m not paying attention because you’re constantly nagging me! Didn’t you read Racheli Reckles’s article about not nagging? It’s one of the best pieces I’ve ever read!”

Tracy looked at him incredulously. “You’re blaming me for our pathetic marriage?! This is all YOUR FAULT!!”

The therapist could see that this was quickly turning into a dog chasing his tail conversation, so he interrupted.

“John,” he began. “While it’s true that nagging is not a productive way to communicate, as Racheli wrote in her Garden of Nagging Wives, Tracy’s nagging is a reaction to what you’re doing.”

“BOOYAH!” Tracy screamed in her head. “I knew it was all his fault!”

As if reading her mind, the therapist corrected her, “Tracy, I understand your frustration, but nagging is not the way to fix problems.”

* * *

Okay, let’s stop right there. How many of you have had similar issues with your spouse? Ummm, can we say everyone?

These are typical problems in most marriages. No question. But that doesn’t excuse us from learning how to deal with, or G-d forbid, prevent them from happening.

I’ve been reviewing Dale Carnegie’s masterpiece, “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” like a hundred times already, because I love reading how he calls the husbands out.

Basically, he says there is just one major way to kill your marriage. It’s foolproof, even. Works every time.

So what is that way?

If you want to kill your marriage (and your wife by default,) criticize her. Criticize away! Tell her everything she’s doing wrong! Tell her the food is tasteless and she is a lazy slob who doesn’t know how to keep her house clean. Tell her she’s yelling at the kids too much and she could do with losing a few pounds.

Mr. Carnegie quotes several marital experts and even judges who have presided over numerous divorces as saying the number one cause of divorce is… criticism.

Husbands, take note. If your wife is nagging, it’s a symptom that you’re doing something wrong in your marriage. Likely it’s lots of things, because we all know that men are not naturally suited for marriage like most women are.

Guys, I’d like to share a thought with you. Do you know why Judaism makes getting married an obligation for a man and not a woman?

I believe it’s because marriage is your greatest opportunity for personal growth. Marriage forces a man to look outside of himself. He’s forced to put others’ needs and desires before his own. He’s forced to bear the stress of supporting his family. He’s forced to nurture a wife and children in ways that may be completely foreign to him.

Men, by nature, are selfish creatures. I’m not saying that to judge! But it’s just the way Hashem created you. Women, by nature, are nurturing creatures who are more inclined to put others first.

Here’s something else you should think about.

Have you ever been criticized in your life? Especially by someone you cared about?

How did it make you feel?

Rejected? Lonely? Poor self-worth? Resentful?

Try, just for a minute, to imagine what happens when you criticize your wife.

It’s like taking all of her efforts and care and throwing it back in her face.

You didn’t do this right. This isn’t good enough. You don’t know how to do anything.

You’re not good enough.

This is what you’re saying to a woman who has committed her life to you, who has chosen to make you Number One in everything she does.

And you thank her for her lifelong commitment and service with criticism?

Rav Arush, in his internationally-acclaimed marital guide, “The Garden of Peace,” is on the same page as Mr. Carnegie. (Sorry, I couldn’t help myself!)

He explains to men that you should never, ever criticize your wife! For anything!!

Trust me, guys. Women aren’t stupid. We want to be the best at everything we do.

But life is overwhelming. Kids are overwhelming. The house is overwhelming. Our jobs are overwhelming.

Take into consideration that most of us grew up pretty comfortable, not having to clean up around the house, cook, or do laundry every day. So imagine how hard it is to go from pampered to slave.

Now add in the challenges of pregnancies, sleepless nights with babies, endless aggravation from children, and everything else we have to deal with.

I’d say you men owe your wives your very lives. Without them, you’d be eating Ramen Noodles and pizza for dinner.

Which, actually, doesn’t sound so bad. Mmmm, pizza. My taste buds are going crazy now! NEED.CARBS.STAT!!

Guys, if you want to stop killing your marriage, read The Garden of Peace immediately.

Respect your wives. Show your appreciation for their hard work and dedication. Get them a medal of honor or a new dress.

But never, ever criticize!