Moshiach, Hide & Seek

A few days’ ago, I heard a recent Rav Arush CD that made me reconsider a whole lot of things in my life. In the CD, Rav Arush said that he’d made his wife miserable: why? Because she’d asked him when is Mashiach coming, and he’d told her it could still be another 100 years.

I have to say, he also made me miserable when I heard that, because all of a sudden, I realized just how much I’ve been living my life in ‘waiting for Mashiach’ mode. And it’s not a new thing, it’s been going on for years, and was one of the main catalysts behind our move to Eretz Yisrael more than six years ago.

It was just before the expulsion from Gush Katif, and there was a strong sense in many parts of Jewish society that something as traumatic and unheard of as expelling 9000 Jews from their homes in Israel and giving the land back to homicidal, suicidal Arabs simply couldn’t happen unless it was an immediate precursor to the Redemption.

Of course, we were all wrong. Mashiach didn’t come then, and I know I wasn’t the only one who was quite disappointed. But life continues, and our life continued to be so challenging for a good few years that I didn’t forget about Mashiach coming for probably even a day – because I was desperate for him to get me off the hook and to sort out all the things that weren’t going right.

When Mashiach came, I wouldn’t have those terrible, black days of depression any more. When Mashiach came, I was going to have a ‘Shabbat clothing’ tree right outside my front door, and I’d pick my outfit fresh off the branch half an hour before I lit.

When Mashiach came, I was going to have more kids; I was going to have more money; I was going to have more peace of mind and happiness.

But Mashiach still didn’t come.

So then, I realized that I had to work on being happy with the ‘holding pattern’ because Mashiach could still take a year or two, and I needed to wake up every day and function.

It really helped when I read in the Garden of Gratitude that the more I worked on having emuna, the more I’d bring Mashiach closer. It also helped to read in that same book that Mashiach was not going to solve all our problems; emuna solves all our problems. Moshiach was just meant to reveal G-d’s Kingship over the world (if he came the sweet way…)

I continued to talk to G-d, to work on my emuna, to keep putting off long-term things I wanted to do, like writing a book, or short-term but ‘materialistic’ things I wanted to do, like painting my house or doing a ceramics class.

And then, just before Rosh Hashanah, it really felt like we’d reached the crunch point: Mashiach was on his way! Maybe even before Rosh Hashanah!

But Mashiach still didn’t come.

On the one hand, I was relieved that there wasn’t going to be a horrible war and mass death and destruction; on the other, I was terribly, terribly disappointed. I felt like I’d been holding my breath for six years, and I just couldn’t hang on any more. I had to start breathing again.

My father-in-law died unexpectedly straight after Succot, and my sister was getting married the week later in the UK, so life went very crazy and hectic, and I didn’t really have much time to think about Mashiach for a month or so, as I had too many other big issues going on.

When it started to calm down again, that’s when I listened to the Rav Arush CD saying ‘Mashiach in another 100 years’ (maybe…)

The day after I heard that CD, I started writing a book. The day after I heard that CD, I started to think about the home improvements I’d like to make if and when we have the money to do them. I started to think about what it meant to live an observant, happy, emuna-dik life that wasn’t hinged around ‘Mashiach coming now’ – and for the first time in six years, (OK, probably more) I started to just live in the moment.

If Mashiach isn’t coming tomorrow, I have a bit of time and the inclination to clean my windows. If Mashiach isn’t coming tomorrow, I actually feel like a night away somewhere in Israel, and I feel like taking my kids on a boat trip on the Kinneret.

If Mashiach isn’t coming tomorrow, then I can’t hold on any longer to get some new tops, or work out what I actually, really need to be doing with my life (apart from praying a lot and waiting for Mashiach).

It’s actually a bit scary, and I’m not sure what to think about it all. I’m still talking to G-d for an hour a day, but it seems to be about much more mundane ‘personal’ issues now, instead of prayers for mass teshuva and global redemption.

For example, after years of telling myself ‘I’m over it’ or ‘it’s OK’ or ‘whatever G-d wants’, about my eight years of infertility, I’ve realized that I still desperately want to have more kids. I’d like to tell you that I’m optimistic that it’s going to happen soon – but really, I’m not.

It’s too hard to go on waiting for things (like babies, like Mashiach…) that never seem to come.

But even the fact that I’m feeling sad about it again for the first time in ages isn’t a bad thing; quite the opposite, because it’s useful for me to understand that I’m still sad because I was waiting for Mashiach to come and fix that particular problem. Now, I have no choice but to accept it’s still a ‘live issue’ for me and to do some serious praying on it and work on having enough real emuna to ‘fix’ the problem properly.

If Mashiach isn’t coming for a 100 years, I have some serious work to do on a whole bunch of things. I have some interesting projects I need to get on with. And I have a life to live that has more to it than just waiting around for something (even the most amazing thing in the world) to happen. I’ll anticipate Mashiach as Halacha requires, but I won’t waste time playing hide and seek with his shadow, looking for him everywhere. There’s so much to do instead, right now!