The Emotional Beggar

Dear Rabbi Lazer,

The other day, I lit a memorial (yahrtzeit) candle for my father, who passed away ten years ago. I really miss him, and at the moment, choked up with emotion and started crying. My wife saw me, and she started to ridicule me, saying, “What are you bawling about?” I just about lost it, but luckily, I didn’t answer her. What does Hashem expect me to do with such a callous women? Am I not entitled to a single word of comfort or encouragement? I really need to hear your thoughts. Thanks for your attention and taking the time to read this. With appreciation, Manny D. from Canada

Dear Manny,

I guarantee you that your wife is neither calloused nor insensitive. She was observing you and your reactions, and comparing how you relate to others with the way you relate to her. You miss your father enough to shed tears, but do you express (or feel – be honest with yourself) such emotion toward your wife? If not, she feels slighted. Don’t forget, the most important thing in a woman’s life is that she’s unequivocal #1 in her husband’s life. If you cry when she feels pain, if you empathize with her, laugh when she’s happy and share her pain when she’s not, she’ll have no problem about you shedding tears in your father’s memory. But, it’s hard for her to reconcile herself to the fact that you love anyone or anything more than her. By the way, if we think our wives are calloused toward us, it only means that we are calloused toward them; they simply mirror us. We therefore can shape their behavior by reshaping our own behavior.

Manny, you ask, “Am I not entitled to…”? Western education is like helium in a balloon, pumping us up with a ridiculous sense of selfishness and arrogance. Worst of all, we grow up with a sense of entitlement, as if the world owes us something. Torah values – the key to marital peace and happiness as well – teach us that we don’t deserve a thing. Indeed, we must thank Hashem for every blessing we have. Not only that – we have to thank Hashem for what we don’t have, because the “lack” facilitates our soul correction too.

With the above thought in mind – granted, we all need comfort and encouragement. The question is, where do we get it from? A husband that needs comfort and encouragement from his wife becomes a receiver, not a giver. There’s no difference between a beggar looking for a monetary handout and an emotionally-dependant husband looking for an emotional handout – both are needy. A woman can’t stand a needy husband, especially an emotional beggar, because she wants to lean on him and not be his mother or nursemaid. As soon as a husband assumes the role of receiver, according to Kabbala, he is spiritually behaving like a woman. Two women can’t get along in the same kitchen…

So where does a man go for comfort and encouragement? To Hashem, of course, for 60 minutes of personal prayer a day. During hitbodedut, a husband that does proper soul searching will realize that this particular wife is the best thing in the world for him. Hashem is giving him the perfect woman he needs in order to strengthen and correct his soul. Sure it’s not always tasty. Chocolate eclairs taste better than lettuce, but while the former wrecks your body, the latter works wonders for you.

Manny, you’ll feel so much better if you thank Hashem for what you have. I do promise you one thing: as soon as you connect to Hashem and shine light on your wife rather than wanting to be on the receiving end, she’ll both fall at your feet and become as gentle as a lamb. She’s not calloused on her own – it’s up to you to soften her. I know that my answer is brief,  but you can read and hear much more in The Garden of Peace or in our CD First Place. I pray for your success. With blessings always, LB