The One Hour Gift
She spent an inordinate amount of money on healing therapies. At the end of each paycheck, a few dollars only remained in her pockets. Worse yet, she was so unhappy…
Hashem gave me the most wonderful gift last week, one precious hour all to myself. I was so delighted at this unexpected present, and I wanted to use the time productively. So what great ideas did I come up with? My choices were getting a manicure, going to the duck pond and having some private time with Hashem, or visiting my local Barnes and Noble. The bookstore idea won over the manicure and some personal time with Hashem. Do you think this was a poor choice? No, this was exactly what Hashem wanted me to do. Allow me to explain.
Around 20 years ago, before husband, kids, dogs, and cats, I would spend hours among the books and second-rate cappuccino at the bookstore. My favorite isles were the Judaica, new age, and self-help sections. Yes, I was searching. Before I get into the meat and potatoes of this essay, let me give you a bit of background.
Like lots of 20 something’s in the 90’s, I found myself absolutely miserable. Depressed over how I thought my life should be and anxious about how I was going to get where I wanted to be. As Sinatra so eloquently crooned, “I wanted it my way.” Not wanting to accept a depressive-anxious label, I turned to the wisdom of self-help junkies. Past life regression, hypnotherapy, 12-step, Indian Sikh’s, Chinese herbalists, supposed Kabbalists, energy healers, cognitive behavioral therapy, every SSRI medication imaginable, name it, I’ve done it. But wait it gets better! During all this time, I was shomeret mitzvot (observed the commandments) …well, sort of.
How can this be? A religious woman has Hashem to turn to. Right? Well, that’s all dependent on believing in Hashem, and my emunah was pretty much non-existent. The good news was I believed in Hashem, but I blamed Him for the challenge, I yelled at Him for my miserable lot and worse yet, I didn’t trust Him to help me. As the Gomorrah so eloquently states, Hashem let me put my faith where I believed salvation would come.
I spent an inordinate amount of money on healing therapies. At the end of each paycheck, I was left with only a couple of bucks in my pockets. Worse yet, I was so unhappy and now anxious over meeting my financial obligations. Thankfully, Hashem had pity on me, and changed my mazal. No, I didn’t win the lottery. I lost my job, lost my home, became even more despondent, and had no other choice but to turn to Hashem and figure out what was going on.
This challenge was the most difficult feat I’ve ever had to come to terms with. The good ol’ Yetzer Harah was working overtime. Every time I tried to come close to Hashem, some way or another “it” convinced me that I was hopeless and ridiculous for talking to Hashem who doesn’t have the interest or the time in me. I spent a good 4 years fighting with Hashem until I became absolutely emotionally and physically exhausted. I told Hashem that he won, and I gave up my fight.
Well, the fight wasn’t over just yet, as Hashem had other plans. G-d wanted me now to get to know Him. Hashgachah Pratit had it that a Rabbi Brody/Arush Emunah CD made its way to my home and into my car CD player. End of story. I am now an official Breslev junkie!
I’m proud to be addicted to Breslev. I’m not going to any 12-step programs to cure me of my dependence. Rather, I rely on these CD’s every morning to start my day off in a productive and most importantly, happy way. I get my fix of Reb Nachman, the generation’s true doctor of soul. I’m learning to do things for G-d’s sake because that’s what Hashem wants us to do, and I’m not so concerned about doing my own thing. I’ve given away all my fix-yourself books for a fantastic English version of Likutei Moharan, Parts I and II (Breslev Research Institute) and inspiring books by phenomenal Breslov Rabbis.
Barnes and Noble Bookstores just don’t give me the same high it used to in the past. As I scanned the isles of the self-help section, I couldn’t help but stand witness to the amounts of fix-you books now available for purchase. The sections have expanded to 3 times the size of what they used to be. The Judaica section has shrunk to 2 lowly bottom shelves, and the new-age books are now including great topics like popular spells and do-it-yourself witchcraft. Quite a testimony to our society, wouldn’t you say?The brilliant part of this precious hour was the fact that the Yetzer Harah had no hold over me. I wasn’t interested in fixing myself any longer. I was content for the first time in my life to be where Hashem wanted me to be which was in the moment with His guiding hand showing me the way. As I was ready to exit the store, a cute little book caught my eye. It was titled “501 Things to do with a Zombie.” I spent my remaining 15 minutes laughing hysterically at the author’s warped sense of humor. Maybe the next time I have an hour to myself, I’ll get a manicure, close my eyes, and thank Hashem for the wonderful gift of one blessed hour to myself. Or maybe I’ll just relax and listen to another “one-hour gift” – an emuna CD, of course!
Blessings to all,
Leah Yaffa
11/01/2010
Thank you! Thank you for your inspiring article! It is such a chizuk to read from real people who have struggles, and have overcome it with the help of Hashem through Breslov!
11/01/2010
Thank you for your inspiring article! It is such a chizuk to read from real people who have struggles, and have overcome it with the help of Hashem through Breslov!