Don’t Shortchange Motherhood

Our history is full of exemplary Jewish women, who although had many different roles to play, of utmost importance was their role as mothers.

These days, we have to justify our natural maternal instincts. We have to go around smelling like the little perfume post cards in a fashion catalog, as opposed to the Eau De Spit-Up that is the true mark of motherhood. We must dress up in three piece Channel suits and have business meetings, carry around a blackberry along with a laptop, and fly to a business conference somewhere at a moment’s notice—if we are to feel glamorous. Well, let me tell you—whoever said motherhood was not glamorous has not been privy to your typical mother’s resume. Tired of all the well meaning folks out there who ask the question, “So what do you do?” and are unimpressed with the title ‘Mom’, I have come up with somewhat of a job description.

I am CCO (Chief Carpool Officer), in charge of ‘small personnel’. In our ‘company’, I employ several ‘litigators’. I handle all claims, large and small. I also have extensive experience in overseeing situations where expert diplomacy is required, and thus, you might say I am by now a highly trained diplomat. I also have engaged in strategic planning rivaling the best in Army intelligence. I am constantly called to map out anti-battle plans– who will sit next to who in the car, who gets the window, the seat next to the air vent—it is no small feat, mind you. It takes expert planning in order to avoid an all out war on the way to the most simplest of errands.

During my career, I have gained extensive engineering and technical knowledge. My fields of expertise include folding a stroller in less than one minute. One of my career highlights has been folding a double stroller without accompanying instructions. I have a Masters in putting together toys with multiple parts, and complicated diagrams.

My job has also allowed me to reach great culinary achievement in the area of ketchup food sculptures. I have been known to transform anything from chicken to fish to vegetables into palatable fare for a three year old.

I am also a curator of refrigerator art. I have an impressive collection, especially those reflecting a Jewish motif. I have come to recognize the different artistic mediums, from finger painting and sand art, to the more advanced ‘stick art’. And while on the subject of the arts, I have memorized all of Uncle Moishy’s concertos, due to my ‘big’ minors and my ‘little’ minors.

I also currently received my MBA—Masters in Band-aid Administration. For those who have attempted the great feat of applying a band-aid onto a screaming child—you know this is a title well earned.

I am an executive producer—I produce most of the family’s videos. My area of expertise is taping Chanukah plays while trying to entertain a child on my lap. I am also an excellent photographer, when I am not getting either my finger, or another child’s finger in the way of the intended shot.

Those of you out there who believe the Chinese have cornered the market on expert laundering have not encountered the Jewish mother’s laundry room. I have earned the title Connoisseur of Detergents. I know them all. I wash laundry; I fold it, put it away, and repeat this cycle daily. I am not Chinese, but I did not receive my PHD (Professional in Home Detergents) for nothing.

I have recently been promoted to Recreation Director. This means planning all outings, including food, snacks and the other 100 things needed to go down the street to the park.

I am a psychologist, an interpreter of gibberish, and yes—like most mother’s, I also have eyes in the back of my head. I have a medal in a newly introduced competitive sport known as Carpool Calisthenics—it consists of driving, while simultaneously feeding a child in the baby seat, while talking to another child in the back seat, while telling the other child not to hit the other child in the seat next to him, while deftly avoiding the doll that is being thrown around to annoy the child in the seat in front…you get the picture.

Yes, a mother may not be able to compete with a corporate CEO in terms of a glamorous job description. But the CEO of the world—Hashem, has told us that a mother’s job is of far more infinite importance. A mother has 24 hour shifts, does not get paid for overtime, and is usually unappreciated. And yet, like a true Jewish mother, she asks for nothing in return, continually praying that she should get nachas from her ‘personnel’. And a phone call once in a while.

Let’s pray for the time when the mother’s of the world will feel the glorious embrace of our matriarchs, who will thank us for raising their children as Jews throughout the millennia. A time when, in the merit of Jewish mother’s everywhere, a Jewish nation will stand as one, whole—due to the physical and spiritual nourishment of Jewish mother’s everywhere, in the darkness of exile. May it be speedily in our days, with the coming of the Ultimate Redemption, Amen!