True Aristocrats

A husband must always show the greatest respect for his wife, and for her binoh yesairoh[1]; he must listen to and respect her views on the management of the home.

It is written in the kesubah, the marriage contract, “This is the way of Jewish men who……. honour and support their wives in truth”. We also find in the Torah that it says that “A man must always be careful with his wife’s honour”.

A wife may not be turned into a doormat, nor should she need to beg for money. When she needs help with her household duties her husband should help her and he must always uphold her honor and show great respect for her, both when they are alone and in front of the children. He must also support her against his relatives.

A husband must tell his wife very often how much he appreciates what she does for him and should, from time to time buy her gifts so that she will always feel respected, beloved and honored.

And of course as a king, you too should not wander round the house dressed inappropriately.

The home is a place where both the husband and wife should always talk pleasantly, gently and politely to each other. This includes simple manners such as saying please and thank you. Good manners are a must in the home and are part and parcel of respect for each other.

The home is also the place where the wife lets her husband know and feel that he is the most important person in her life and that she supports him; she can show her esteem for him in the thousand and one little ways that show caring and sharing between a couple.

We are all children of Hashem, the King of Kings, and as such are part of Hashem’s royal family. As princes and princesses we do not lower ourselves to quarrel or belittle each other in petty ways, or display anger or hatred towards each other.

Aristocracy in this case means nobility of character and mannerisms and both husband and wife should always remember that as royalty it behooves them to behave with royal manners and dignity.

Their mutual respect for each other will motivate them to appease and mollify the other with soft, sincere words.

And even if the princess might sometimes forget herself and utter disrespectful words the prince will retain his dignity and not retaliate, but will attempt to mollify and soothe the princess.

And should the prince forget himself and insult the princess occasionally, it is beneath her dignity to return the insult; she will not lower herself to such a level.

Part of being a member of the aristocracy is the necessity of always presenting a cheerful front. You would never see the Royal Family in England or the President of America showing sad or tired faces to their nations because it would demoralize them. They always appear in public smiling and with an air of confidence; as the leaders of the people it is their duty to appear happy and optimistic.

And, l’havdil,[2] in the same way as the Yidden always entered the Beit Hamikdash in a cheerful frame of mind so too must we display a happy and confident demeanor in our home. And even if on the inside you don’t feel quite so cheerful, if you act that way it will penetrate until you actually do feel like that; it goes without saying that your cheerful spirits will lift the mood of those around you.

Included in aristocracy is your dignity. As a princess you should try to do the parts of the housework that are not befitting your status (like scrubbing the floors on your knees) at a time when your husband or children are not at home.

Diplomacy is another integral part of the royal court and our homes (but Boruch Hashem[3],the other half of diplomacy, intrigue is not).

A diplomat is one who plans how he will behave in a given situation and only voices that which he has planned to say beforehand; he knows that one careless word could cost him dearly.

A clever husband will, before he enters his home, pause for a moment and consider what awaits him inside. Perhaps his wife has had a hard day and is upset or angry and will shout at him as he walks in the door (we did say before that sometimes the princess can forget herself); if he is not prepared he might answer her sharply leading to a quarrel. But if he is prepared he will have decided beforehand how to react and will soothe his wife and avert an argument.

And before you say that after being at work all day you’re tired and don’t have the patience and energy let me tell you that if you feel it’s important enough, you will find the kochos (strength) [4] to act diplomatically.

A shopkeeper knows that the “customer is always right” and even when he feels that the customer is unreasonable or taking advantage of him he will still show a smiling face and a patient attitude; if he can’t “act” he should look for another profession because he won’t last too long in this one. In the same way you yourself also know that in order to remain in your job you too must always present an “artificial” front to those around you.

You must push yourself to be diplomatic, and appear cheerful and confident when you are at home.

A wife who is clever will voice her concerns in a well thought out manner and not just vent her feelings on her spouse. She will wait for the right moment until her husband is in a good mood (how about “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”), and if she is not successful will try other avenues of getting her message across.

It cannot be said often enough that above all else both husband and wife must treat other with the utmost respect and caring.

 The “unwise woman” who voices her frustrations and shows her emotions in an inappropriate manner “tears down her house with her own hands”. And whilst all this might not ruin the home it will be a house of strife and ill-will and will most certainly not be a house of kedushah[5] or a mikdosh me’at in the way Hashem would want it to be. 

We find in the Torah that when he marries “a man should leave his parents and cling to his wife” because she is the other half of him. She is first and foremost in his life and he must defend her and take her part against his family when necessary.

When we talk about clinging to each other we don’t mean that you must constantly be in each other’s company or constantly think about each other because that’s impossible.

Each one of us is absolutely unique and there are no human clones (yet). Even if you choose a mate who seems absolutely perfect to you at the time you will still find that there are differences between the two of you, if for no other reason than that men and woman have been created differently because of their diverse roles in life; (never mind the great differences that arise from having been raised in different homes). And because of those differences there are bound to be times when they grate on each other.

“Clinging” means learning to live with those differences and working together to find the golden middle way that will truly unite you as one soul, where each one will constantly strive to make life pleasant and happy for the other.

 A kalloh[6] is dressed in beautiful clothes so that the first impression her chosson[7] has of her is that she is beautiful and good; he will be enraptured by her beauty and that will make it easier for him to live with the differences that will inevitably arise.  

 There is no person in the world that is absolutely perfect and so it is part of our tikkun[8] in this world to learn to live with, and respect each other despite the differences in nature and opinion. Hashem gave us the task of perfecting our characters and developing our middot by learning to live with a spouse in total harmony. 

Part of making it easy, as a wife, for your husband to “cling to you” is that you appear attractive to him; you should be well-dressed with a pleasant demeanor so that your husband is attracted to you, and you alone.

“Clinging to each other” means supporting each other through thick and thin and good times and bad times. By clinging loyally to each other a husband and wife sweeten life for each other until theirs is truly a blessed union.

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