Unfulfilled Expectations
"The less expectations, the less disappointments". Unfulfilled expectations of any sort, as subtle they might be, arouse feelings of resentment and anger…
The Pressure-Cooker Lifestyle, Part 5
There is a famous saying “The less expectations, the less disappointments”. If you have expectations of any sort, however subtle they might be, and they are not fulfilled it arouses feelings of resentment and anger.
The list of “expectations” people have are endless and occur on a daily basis:
- A pupil or child (or even spouse) refuses to accept your authority. (Um….. yes it has happened)
- You’ve done someone a favor and when you request a favor in return the response is negative. (“After all I’ve done for them!”)
- Someone doesn’t keep a promise that they made. (“You can’t trust them”)
- Events didn’t turn out the way you thought they would so that you’re upset and disappointed.
- You’re let down by someone whom you depended on. (“You can’t rely on them”)
- You feel that people don’t show enough appreciation for what you do
The list is endless and cause for much resentment and anger. Why? Because you had “expectations” and were disappointed.
But if you lower your expectations, and don’t expect anything and avoid asking others to do things for you (as far as possible) you will lower your threshold of disappointment and anger. A request that wasn’t made can’t be refused.
The Chazon Ish writes: “Request as little as possible from others and your expectations will rarely be disappointed”.
Betrayed Trust
Sometimes people that you respect or feel close to and trust become angry with you for no apparent reason.
Your initial reaction is surprise and hurt followed by anger at the “unjustified” attack. You think to yourself that even if they do have a valid reason for being displeased with you they didn’t need to “attack” you but should have voiced their complaints in a non-aggressive manner. You might even feel that because they were unable to control themselves and attacked you you are justified in reacting in the same way in return.
At such a time you feel as if you have been betrayed by someone you trusted and respected. Even if you control yourself and do not reply, in your heart you might feel resentment and bitterness and the sense of betrayal can be so strong that you lose the warm, close feelings you had for that person.
Many valuable relationships and friendships have been broken up as the result of a single episode of anger.
Anger Begets Anger
It is frightening to see how easily one can be roused to anger by an “unprovoked attack”, and how others’ anger triggers angry feelings and responses in return. Be aware that what you feel is merely a response to someone else’s anger and don’t allow yourself to be provoked. Patience and good-will will help you keep valuable relationships and friendships and save you from “cutting off your nose to spite your face”.Underlying Differences in People That Lead to Anger and Cause Arguments
- Sometimes a difficult subject is under discussion and one of the people does not have a full and complete understanding of the complex or delicate issues involved.
- Sometimes the limited intelligence of someone is incapable of grasping the finer points in a discussion
- The people involved in a discussion come from sharply contrasting backgrounds and hold deeply entrenched attitudes and views.
When we look at the above list we can see that all three points are beyond our control.
For instance we cannot force someone who is of limited intelligence to understand the finer points of an issue; it’s simply beyond their capabilities.
It is therefore futile to become angry with such a person because he cannot be blamed for something he doesn’t have, i.e. his lack of intellect (just be grateful that you are intelligent). The same applies to someone who doesn’t understand all the nuances of a situation; they too cannot be blamed for this.
It’s also useless getting angry at someone who has a totally different outlook on life than you have. A person’s beliefs and views are influenced by the type of life he leads and his life experiences and something that has been built up over the course of so many years is very deeply rooted within that person.
You cannot change such a person’s way of thinking, in the same way as you yourself are not going to change your viewpoint just because someone else thinks differently.
It’s far better to understand that there are many different paths in life, and they are all correct. Someone else’s way of life is as correct for them as yours is for you.
Ask yourself the following questions:
- “Is it really worth while getting angry over such an issue?”
- “Who is this person irritating me; is it fitting for me to be angry with them?”
- And finally “What am I getting upset about?”
When your reply to the first two questions is “no”, and “nothing” to the last one, and you can calm down you’re on the way to acquiring self-control.
To be continued.
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