The Blame Game
There is the modern trend of blaming a lot of things on one's childhood. If anything is wrong with someone's life, they lay the blame squarely at the door of their upbringing.
The Pressure-Cooker Lifestyle, Part 3
One of the losses that angry people suffer is that the people around them are afraid to advise them or pass on important information and this can lead to major mistakes being made (and major losses of money) because of insufficient information.
There is also the modern trend of blaming a lot of things on one’s childhood. If anything is wrong with someone’s life they lay the blame squarely at the door of 
their upbringing. And while it is true that we were “trained” into certain habits when we were young that’s not the end of the story, because the end of our childhood is only the beginning of our adult lives. And how you choose to live as an adult is your choice; you can either wallow in the “mistakes” of the past or seek to grow in the future.
their upbringing. And while it is true that we were “trained” into certain habits when we were young that’s not the end of the story, because the end of our childhood is only the beginning of our adult lives. And how you choose to live as an adult is your choice; you can either wallow in the “mistakes” of the past or seek to grow in the future.Take responsibility for your anger and don’t blame others. No-one can make you angry if you choose not to be so; whilst people can be irritating or inconsiderate it is your perception of what they’ve done that signals to you “this is something to get angry about”.
Anger is a feeling within you; the person “angering” you is only the trigger to that feeling, and no-one says that you have to allow yourself to be triggered.
We all know that when necessary we can control ourselves. Remember an occasion when you were very angry and the phone rang; when you answered it and realized that it was someone who was very important to you remember how you calmed down immediately and talked in a sweet and gentle voice.
Even in the most aggravating situations, if you feel that you will lose by showing your anger you will somehow manage to restrain yourself. If your boss was insulting you and you knew that you would lose your job if you allowed yourself the luxury of answering him you would control yourself (you might get ulcers and tension headaches and hate your job, but if no other job was available you would keep quiet).
Tell yourself that it is possible to control your anger because that will give you the will to succeed. If you believe that you can’t restrain yourself you will make no effort to do so, but instead spend your life “proving” that you can’t curb your temper.
Do not confuse controlling and reducing anger with suppressing it; the one is healthy whilst the other is extremely unhealthy.
Suppressing anger is unhealthy and will probably cause you to explode in angry outbursts at a later stage; it’s also damaging to your health.
On the other hand expressing your anger, whilst you might think that it’s healthier for you, is extremely destructive and will in the long run prove to be even worse than suppressing it.
Controlling your anger means reducing it and finding solutions so that you don’t feel angry at all.
We’ve talked about the terrible destructiveness of the middah of anger and the devastation that it causes, and in this article we will be exploring ways of understanding and controlling anger so that your inner “temperature” is not always near, or at boiling point.
When an army goes out to war it must be prepared and have trained beforehand because without extensive preparation one cannot win a war.
It is the same with the war that you are now preparing to wage against anger; you too must practice in advance how to “fight battles”, i.e. deal with difficult situations that make you angry, otherwise when it comes to a crisis you won’t be skilled at reacting appropriately and will fall back into the old patterns; this is especially true with anger, which is an almost instinctive reaction.
This is a war in which many battles are fought; some are won and some are lost. If you realize this and don’t accept defeat but pick yourself up, dust yourself off and prepare to fight the next battle, as time goes on you will find yourself winning more and more of those battles. And even when you lose and succumb to your anger it will only be after you’ve been provoked more than usual. You will have succeeded in controlling yourself a little – and that’s a great deal. And each time that happens you will understand that you are slowly but surely gaining ground and winning the war.
Don’t berate yourself for having succumbed to your anger in the end, but instead praise yourself for having managed to restrain yourself; this will give you chizuk and the ko’ach to carry on. Always see even your partial successes as major triumphs (which they are!); in the end you will be totally successful and win the war.
We will be working towards being amongst those people who are considered “slow to anger”. There are people who have hasty tempers but have learned to control themselves, (yes, they do exist so it is possible) and they have reached a very high level because they have one of the middot (character traits) of Hashem, who is “slow to anger”.
Apart from the great zechus of emulating Hashem the benefits of managing to control yourself from becoming angry are tremendous:
- Your relationships with people will be far more successful than if you are known as a person who is always quick to anger. We all know that we can achieve far more with a soft approach than by aggressiveness and direct confrontation; this only invites an aggressive counter-reaction.
- You will be able to influence other people when you’re known as a calm person. (We’re only talking here about the Yiddishe world).
It’s not easy to control yourself if you’re not used to it, and no-one will tell you otherwise; but with patience, perseverance and practice it can be achieved. And the results will repay your efforts a thousand-fold as you begin to live a life of calmness, harmony and peace, both within yourself and with those around you. Your life can become sane again as you and your home return to the serenity of yesteryear (without giving up any of those modern conveniences of course).
Let’s be honest. All the good in the world, health, prosperity, nachas (gratification) from your children or a successful career cannot give you true joy and contentment if your life is torn apart by the strife and turmoil that anger creates. Only peace and harmony can give you the tranquility you need to feel the joy of all the good that life has to offer.
We cannot change the circumstances of our lives, but we can change our view of them, so that instead of being irritated by what is beyond our control we can learn to live with it peacefully and calmly.
The main tactic is to learn to see people in a different light so that your anger is not triggered so automatically. The benefit of changing your perspective on your surroundings is so great that it is worthwhile spending time and effort on this.
Learning to restrain oneself is not easy, and once learnt constant vigilance is necessary so that one doesn’t relapse, but the change in your life will make all the hard work well worth it.
We will be looking at various tools you can use so that your anger shouldn’t be aroused in the first place, and ways of calming that anger once it has been provoked.
And as we begin our journey towards that peace and harmony lets daven that Hashem give us the strength and clarity of mind to succeed in our purpose.
To be continued.
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