Eclipse of the Heart
There was a time when she pondered divorce; but, after 32 years, instead of being at odds, their hearts are finally ‘aligning’ in what we could call an eclipse of the heart.
This Shabbat, the first night of Chanukah, my husband and I will be celebrating our 32nd Wedding Anniversary. We have had our share of ups and downs over 
the years, but with G-d’s loving kindness, we have made it this far (and G-d willing, another healthy 60 plus years!)
Rewind 33 years: Having just returned from a great vacation to Los Angeles and Palm Springs with a friend, I went out for a drink with another good friend, Risa* (not her real name) to a local hotel disco. As we sat and chatted about my trip and future plans to move to California, someone asked my attractive, tall, blonde friend to dance. As soon as she left the table, a cute guy came over and at first looked bewildered, then asked me to dance. During our conversation on the dance floor, I was happy to find out that my dance partner was in fact a Moroccan Jew with a charming French accent. What were the chances of actually meeting a nice Jewish boy in a disco in this big city? After returning to our respective tables, Risa and I talked a bit more then decided to head home. I couldn’t let this interesting prospect be lost forever, so I made a deal with myself; I would nonchalantly walk by his table on the way to the ladies room, and if he asked for my phone number, I would give it to him and if not, I would just leave. And voila! As I passed his table, he stopped me and asked for my phone number. (The games people play in the world of nonsense). We dated, one thing led to another and the rest is history.
On the surface, this all sounds very cute. But within this short story, there are several miracles which I have recently come to appreciate, since (after reading The Garden of Emuna) I truly believe that it was Hashem’s Will to bring us together. First of all, this was the first and last time either of us had ever gone to that particular disco. I was to find out later that he initially came over to ask my friend Risa to dance, but since she was no longer there, he ‘settled’ for me. And thirdly, I had no choice in giving him my phone number since that is what Hashem had planned for us. It’s quite amazing when one recognizes the complex intricacies that The Holy One, Blessed Be He devises in order to help people find their matches. Here we have a Sephardi boy from Morocco and an Ashkenazi girl from Canada. There is no natural way the paths of these two people would have met in this large, multinational melting pot without Hashem’s Hand in it. This in itself is a miracle and when one internalizes that everything Hashem does is for a reason and for the good, it is all the more profound. Therefore, it is impossible not to submit to the notion that we are soul mates, destined to be together. So it is not surprising that our wedding day was also ‘pre-determined’ to be on the first night of Chanukah, the holiday of light and miracles. Being unaffiliated in a big city, we needed to find an orthodox synagogue that was available to us. (Our choice of an orthodox synagogue was to accommodate certain relatives who were already observant). After calling around to several shuls (synagogues), we were left with only one option… the first night of Chanukah.
The gematria of “Lev” (Hebrew for Heart) is 32 which is a fitting symbol for this milestone in our lives. According to the Wikipedia, an eclipse is an astronomical event that occurs when one celestial object moves into the shadow of another. If one considers that a man and a woman are from two different planets (both a poetic concept and a realistic one according to their diametrically opposed genetic makeup), it follows that in order to have harmony in the home, they must directly align with each other, like an eclipse. After 32 years, instead of being at odds constantly, our hearts are finally ‘aligning’ in what I would call an eclipse of the heart. There was a time (actually, a very long time) that I considered divorce, as many couples do. But I am from the old school and always believed that marriage is a commitment for life. Sadly, as we all know, the divorce rate today is staggering and growing. In a discussion I had with a friend several years ago, she questioned me ‘What better is out there?’ When pondering the answer, I considered all the women I had spoken to on this topic, and it appeared that they all had similar or worse complaints. Any man I might consider marrying after a divorce would, in all likelihood, be carrying a whole new set of unwanted baggage. There is little parable that comes to mind which goes something like this: If everyone was asked to put all their problems into a pile in the center of the room, and then had to pick a problem from the pile, most people would choose to take their own problems back again.
The real solution though, did not come through talking to friends. It came through the teachings of Rav Nachman of Breslev, of Blessed Memory. Specifically, my eyes were opened by a disc I listened to by Rabbi Lazer Brody, may he be blessed always, called “A Woman Builds”. I listened to several other discs which helped as well, (Peace in the Home, The Family Connection etc.) but this one made me realize that I personally had the power to change our lives. I finally understood that, as the wife and mother, I was essentially responsible for the mess and dysfunction that our family had become and that I had the potential within me to bring true peace into our home. Not only could I bring light into my own life, but into the lives of my husband and children as well. Once I began to look at life with this deeper level of emuna, things quickly began to change.
Marriage is not an easy path and is one which needs constant work. I try to put into practice the teachings that one must overlook the faults of others, to look only for the good, and to control anger and criticism. So, many thanks to my husband for accepting me for who I am, to Rav Lazer Brody and Rav Shalom Arush for all their spiritual guidance and inspiration, but most of all to Hashem, the Merciful King, who is constantly there answering my prayers.
12/21/2009
Thank you Chaya, It seems soo long ago when I told you that there is nothing out there. I am still alone, but he left me, and the one HASHEM brought into my life 2x is confused!! I know I will be one of those, who knows how to love and be loved, but HASHEM chooses for them to be alone.
I am HAPPY you and Avi have ‘worked it out’ may HASHEM bless you and yours always.
12/21/2009
Chaya, It seems soo long ago when I told you that there is nothing out there. I am still alone, but he left me, and the one HASHEM brought into my life 2x is confused!! I know I will be one of those, who knows how to love and be loved, but HASHEM chooses for them to be alone.
I am HAPPY you and Avi have ‘worked it out’ may HASHEM bless you and yours always.