Kosher Feminism

One of my favorite topics is the Jewish woman and the glory of her role. Not for me is the feeling that I’m in any way inferior to the men folk – I’m the equal of, although not the same as, the men.

Not so long ago I was talking to a very good and dear friend of mine and amongst the subjects we discussed was the role of Jewish women in Jewish society. This is not the first time I’ve discussed this issue and I’m certain it’s also not the last by a very long chalk, but I certainly have plenty to say.

Whilst my friend most definitely felt that it was not right to aspire to equality with the men on their terms she did feel that there was nothing wrong with what she called “Kosher Jewish feminism”, i.e. a Jewish woman finding and expressing herself within orthodox Judaism (and in no way to be equated with non-orthodox Jewish feminism); therefore if a woman likes – let’s say painting, or writing, dancing or singing she should develop herself through these mediums.

Of course in no way is she to neglect her wifely and motherly duties but certainly in order to develop fully as a Jewish woman she is entitled to – no she is almost obligated to – develop some of the potential within herself; in this way she will better be able to be a good Jewish wife and mother if she herself feels fulfilled.

Sound wonderful doesn’t it? A woman developing herself so that she should be able to be fully satisfied with her life? Jolly good…

Sounds wonderful …….. but it isn’t wonderful at all; IN FACT, IT’S ALL WRONG to put it mildly. And not so mildly, I’d go so far as to say that it’s undermining the bedrock of Jewish values!

If we stop to think about it for a minute it’s really that same old issue of feminism again (Women’s Lib we called it in my younger years), but dressed up in Jewish ideals to make it acceptable to the frum (religious) world. After all once you’ve cloaked the issue in the garb of ideals who would dare to argue with the ideology that a woman will be a better mother if she expresses herself; (so now we can all go ahead and do our own thing with a clear conscience).

But what, I hear you asking could be wrong with a woman developing her potential in order to be a better mother – only good can come out of it?

Well that’s what you might think – but stop and think again: let’s take a step back and dissect what is the underlying issue that brought feminism about in the first place a hundred and twenty or so years ago. It was dissatisfaction with a woman’s role in life. Women perceived themselves not to be the equal of men (and in Victorian times quite rightly so where a woman was no more than a chattel of her husband).

Therefore in order to address that inequality the women of yesteryear thought that they would find satisfaction if they fought for equality with men – on the men’s terms.

When we say we need to find ourselves and express our individuality so that we will be better wives and mothers, the underlying meaning is that if we do the things we like we will feel fulfilled. We will then be in a better frame of mind to do the things we need to do, i.e. to run a home and bring up the family. In order to be happy with our tafkid (job) in life we need to do that something extra that we enjoy.

So where does that leave us? It means that we are not totally overjoyed with our tafkid but obviously being ehrliche (upright) women we will do our best to fulfill Hashem’s will with all the means at our disposal.

In reality we feel this way because once again the outside world’s values have stealthily crept past the barriers we have tried to put up for ourselves and invaded our homes – and so stealthy has that invasion been that we don’t even realize it. Being a housewife and mother has been devalued to the point where we need to find ourselves in hobbies and other pursuits because we haven’t quite “found ourselves” at home.

But what happened to the wife and mother who was always the queen of the Jewish people? In years gone by she was the most revered figure within our people, held up as the shining example of womanhood; who could compare to her, the Aishes Chayil (the woman of valor), we pay homage to every Friday night before Kiddush. The home, and life itself revolved around her, as did the whole of the Jewish nation. What’s happened to her? Where has she gone to? Has she vanished from the scene?

Aishes Chayil, no you have not vanished the world over; you are still here, still going strong, still fulfilling all that’s been written about you in Aishes Chayil with great dedication. But, not feeling the power and fulfillment that comes with that role – and where one does not feel fulfilled one does not feel happy. Think about it, about the beauty and the importance and the honor of your role, and turn your back on the values set by the outside world. You are the generals developing the future army of our people, and you are building the nation of tomorrow.

About you is said: חכמת נשים בנתה ביתה – the wisdom of a woman builds her home. Only a woman is capable of building a true Jewish home (and conversely destroying it); she is the one who can either make it or break it.

In order to demonstrate what it means to be proud with our role in life, let me tell you about something that happens on a regular basis in our household.

The Rov (my husband, the Melitzer Rebbe) very often has visitors, sometimes chosheve (distinguished) Rabbonim and Rebbes. My role in all this is to prepare a nice table and as the guests arrive I melt discretely into the background (that is I go into the kitchen) whilst the doors to the Rov’s dining room are closed and the Rov and his visitors get on with the business of the day.

(But don’t worry because I take good care of myself. In the kitchen I’ve saved the best of the delicacies I set up in the Rov’s dining room which I enjoy with a well-deserved cup of tea).

Do you think I feel sidelined and devalued when the doors close on me like that? Or that I am not as important as the men because I am not included in the conversation or decision-making? I assure you I don’t feel any of that at all; I know that all of this is only in my virtue, because I am here to orchestrate it – I am the queen of my household and the Rov would not be able to fulfill his tafkid if I was not here to help him.

And even as I’m writing these lines I’m reminded of a conversation I once had during the years I spent running back and forth from one of the hospitals in England with my oldest daughter when she was ill.

At that time we attended a large teaching hospital with hundreds of students dotted around the wards. I remember one of the senior students who was working on the kidney ward we were on asking me a list of routine questions. One of the questions he asked me was ”what do you yourself do”. Now I knew exactly what he meant because I’d been asked that question dozens of times before so I replied as always ”I’m a housewife and a mother”.

The student looked at me and said ”Now what is an intelligent woman like you doing staying at home”. Seeing that the student was genuinely puzzled by this anomaly (to him), I told him that I feel totally fulfilled in my role as a housewife and mother and see no need for extra fulfillment on the outside.

The student’s reply to this was ”I wish my girlfriend would do that for me”, to which my response was ”But would you respect her for it, or would you think to yourself ‘I’m lucky that I’ve managed to find some dumbbell to do my washing and cooking for me’ ”.

The student smiled in recognition of that statement, so I went on to explain that I’m satisfied because I know – and am made to feel – that I’m a queen who is doing the most important job in the world. I told him ”You know all those jokes about those forceful Jewish mothers; well those are jokes but they are based on the ideal of a real Jewish mother who is fiercely protective of her children. Where I come from a Jewish mother is still revered and honored, and that’s the reason why I am so happy to ‘just’ stay at home”. I carried on explaining to him in some detail what is the ideal of a Jewish mother.

The question of why I was staying at home instead of going out to work was put to me time and again throughout my stays in the hospital and the frequency with which it was asked brought home to me the absolute chasm between the outside world and our world. In our world the main focus of life is centered on the home and the family, but it is not like that at all in the outside world.

But really when all is said and done let’s be practical; we do get stressed-out and run-down. We’re on duty 24/7 and it’s perfectly okay if we feel the need to take a break from the relentless pressure and rejuvenate ourselves. This is the time to do what we enjoy doing … be it painting or writing, dancing or singing …but with the clear understanding that we’re doing it to refresh ourselves – not find ourselves.

So be proud of your role as the queen of your family’s kingdom….. and always buy the best paints and paintbrushes……. you’re certainly worth it!!!