The Illusive Zone
“I really thought that the more religious I got, the longer I stuck with this, the easier life would become. Now, I go...
It’s not supposed to be easy. Someone crafty needs to make me little signs like this to hang around my home at eye level. Some could be magnetized, some to hang from door knobs, maybe some cross-stitch could be involved. Why stop there? Why not advertise on bumper stickers and bill boards? It could be in a neat little parenthesis under STOP at every intersection…
I really thought that the more religious I got, the longer I stuck with this, the easier life would become. Now, I go through life asking myself questions that I never would have asked myself then. Then, had I even asked I would rarely have been able to answer. Now, I wonder often, was I nice to that person? Did I just tell the hundred-percent truth? Have I counted my blessings today? Did I just take credit for something that I shouldn’t? Did I just gossip? Did I just steal some time from someone? Steal time? Now, I actually wonder about stealing time. Yet now sometimes, life is just as messed up as it was then.
And if you think that I’m comfortable with this situation, you’re wrong. I’m pretty steamed about it. On an emotional level, which is where I really like to hang out, I was thinking that there was a zone I would reach where it would be easy. Life, people, worrying, battling the desire to eat too much, spend too much, yell too much, gossip too much – I thought this would all be a breeze. Sure, it’s more pleasant now much of the time. But there are periods of time, day to weeks, where I literally exclaim, “What is going on?! This is all wrong! This wasn’t how it was supposed to turn out, people.” In my fantasy, after many years of self improvement I would sort of float around and much of the annoying stuff would just sort of roll off, because in that zone you are coated with spiritual Teflon. Not to beleaguer the metaphor, but lately, I’m feeling like one of those frying pans where the coating is scraped off from too much use.
If you haven’t had a chance to listen to some of the CDs that Rabbi Arush and Rabbi Brody have made, go ahead and buy a few. No one is getting rich off of them, so I’m not trying to help anyone make money. I have a large assortment of them in my car, which is a great place to put yourself in a Torah zone. I used to have more but they are so good, once you lend them to someone say goodbye to them for about a year.
In a way, the information in those CDs is like the little signs I want someone to make me. (Hint to the management of Breslev Israel). In several of these really soul-soothing CDs, we’re taught how to deal with letdowns. These fine rabbis explain that disappointment is really the space between expectation and fruition. The further these are apart, the greater the heart-sinking, stinky, frustrating place that is disappointment. Think about that concept for awhile because adjusting one’s expectations is a much deeper concept than it seems. And ultimately it’s an exercise in surrendering to the Creator. Well, you are just going to need some of those CDs.
Because right now I want to explain that I have learned a lesson to tag onto this concept. Don’t expect so much and you won’t be so filled with negative emotions about the results that are in front of you and it, meaning life, isn’t supposed to be easy. In Garden of Emuna, a wonderful manual for living life on earth, Rabbi Arush explains why, and it’s all about concealment.
If the purpose of the soul’s decent to the material world is to get to know Hashem, then why is it such a difficult task? Couldn’t life be made easier? It looks like the soul is fighting a losing battle. Why?The constant struggle of life in this material world is exactly what drives a person to seek Hashem ( page 149).
Hashem hides from us so we will look for Him. And this involves work- sometimes the kind that puts us on our knees. In the zone I’m fantasizing about, did you note that I didn’t mention how my days would be filled with prayer? That’s because Hashem knows me. He made me after all. He knows that I will stop talking to Him if He gives me that zone. I’ll stop looking. Maybe that zone is when Mashiach comes. I don’t know. But the Torah demands we focus on this place, this world, where there is so much work to be done inside of us and outside of us. Hashem will help us is we involve Him. But it’s not supposed to be easy.
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