The Ex Factor

Dear Racheli,

About 10 years ago, I had a long-term girlfriend that was the love of my life. I wanted to marry her eventually, but things didn’t work out. She ended up leaving me, but until this day, I can’t forget about her. I feel like she was the one that got away. Since then, I haven’t found anyone that holds a candle to her. I don’t know how to get over her…

Miles

Dear Miles,

Your question brings to mind the famous over-glamorized talent show, “The X-Factor.” The lucky winner is picked based on his talent and star quality, that special something that no one else has. Hence, the catchy name, “X-Factor.”

So you’re stuck on your ex-girlfriend. In your eyes, she was it. She had that something special that no one else has. She had the Ex-Factor. Never before, and never again, have you met someone as wonderful, unique, and special as she was for you. You’re still kicking yourself 10 years later for letting her get away.

I hate to break it to you, Miles, but for the past 10 years, you’ve been sabotaging any decent chances you’ve had at finding a new love of your life. If you’re blaming God for this, stop. This is all on you, my friend. Here’s why.

First of all, you still can’t believe she left you. You obviously didn’t read “The Garden of Peace” yet, so you were clearly not optimal husband material. Nonetheless, even though you may really not have deserved her (and I realize I’m seriously jumping to conclusions here,) you still feel that you were somehow entitled to keep her. This reveals that your male ego has escaped its rickety boundaries and is running wild through the streets of LA or wherever you live. Who cares that you didn’t treat her right? The bottom line was that you loved her, and that should have been enough to make her stay.

Lesson #1: Humble yourself! It’s time to get over your sense of entitlement, Miles. If she left you, the first thing you should have done was pinpoint exactly why she left you, and then worked your hardest on fixing that character trait.

Second, you are continuing to undermine your chances with any new prospects because you keep comparing them to your ex! You are setting yourself up for failure with each new girl you meet, because you’re entering into the relationship with a huge bias and unrealistic expectations.

Lesson #2: Stop looking for a replacement! Instead of trying to appreciate each girl as a unique and special creation, you are just looking for a replica of your ex! You will never find an exact replica.

Third, you still can’t accept that this is what Hashem wants. The reality is, you were not soulmates. Let me be clear about what soulmates are. Soulmates are a male and female half of a soul that join together in marriage, with a unique and complex soul correction and set of life goals that they can only achieve together. It is not the Hollywood fairytale that you think it is. I mean, it certainly can be, but the never-ending romance is only a part of a soulmate relationship. It is not the goal of the relationship.

Many times, soulmates can have very challenging marriages, since they have much to work on. Furthermore, you cannot say for sure that someone is your soulmate unless you actually marry that person! Like I always say, marriage is a spiritual glue that turns two people into the Two-Headed Monster from Sesame Street. After you’re married, you are no longer two separate entities. You are two heads with one body, and it takes a whole ‘lot of compromise to get that body running smoothly.

Lesson #3: Accept that Hashem did not want you to spend the rest of your life with her. If He did, then you would be married. This is where you must activate your emuna superpowers. You must internalize that Hashem did everything for your best, and there may be many reasons why He felt that she was not the best match for you.

Miles, the truth is that it doesn’t matter how long you date a girl before you marry her. Even if you live with her, you don’t know who she really is until you marry her. It’s the famous bait-n’-switch tactic that somehow makes a woman morph into a creature that may, at times, resemble Ursula the Sea Witch. And, once you have kids, oh boy. Do you remember Kathy Bates in “Misery”? ‘Nuff said.

Now that you have the understanding as to what’s causing your 10-year relationship stall, you can begin a new and exciting chapter in your life! Here’s what you need to do: read The Garden of Gratitude. Thank Hashem for the past 10 years, and tell Him that you are now ready to receive the one you are really supposed to marry.

Along with that, read The Garden of Peace and The Garden of Purity. These are the ultimate guides for men who are serious about having loving, fulfilling marriages. Work on yourself using these three life-changing books, and when Hashem feels that you are ready, He will absolutely send you your soulmate! I wouldn’t be surprised if it happens sooner than you think!

Warmest Wishes,

Racheli