Curious About Sex

Dear Racheli,

I’m 28 years old and still haven’t indulged in the conjugal act. All of my friends seem to be having the best time with their boyfriends, while I have to sit back and watch all the fun. I also want to be in a relationship. I am also very curious about sex. I want to know what all the hype is about, and a guy friend of mine is willing to show me. I’m thinking about it…

Dana

Dear Dana,

I’m about to sound like your mother right now. NO, NO, and NO. If you were next to me, I’d probably give you a good smack. With all my love, of course…

First things first: I’m not going to give you advice on how to find a boyfriend. I don’t believe in romantic relationships between two people who aren’t married. I also don’t believe in romantic relationships between two people who are married to two other people. Just sayin’. So, if you’re looking for boyfriend advice, please look somewhere else.

There are several things you must take into consideration. First, let’s take an honest look at how men view women. Guys like easy girls. That’s how their animal brains are wired. More on that later. But, they’re crazy about the ones that play hard to get. This means that you, a pure girl, are like a rare antique diamond that any diamond dealer would pay a fortune to have in his possession. If a guy that you may be interested in finds out that you’re a virgin, and then runs the other way, then good! He’s not what you need in your life. If he’s not running for dear life, that’s great! Maybe there is some husband potential there.

Here’s something else you should know. Hashem created men and women completely different – spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. We also respond differently to physical excitement. A man can get excited on demand, and even when he doesn’t want to! As I’ve written in the past, many times I find that the only difference between a man and a gorilla is the amount of hair on his body. Without a proper guideline, there is little stopping most men from acting like drunk frat boys on a Saturday night.

Physical excitement causes a man to forfeit 99% of his brain power and self-control; thus, he behaves like an animal when in heat. Of course, that doesn’t go for every man – just the 97.2% majority.

A woman, on the other hand, is much more spiritually elevated than a man. Therefore, she usually does not get excited according to her baser instincts. A woman needs other things as well – the feeling that she is loved, wanted, respected, and on and on. She wants to feel special and to know without a doubt that she is the best thing in her man’s life.

Once a woman has these feelings of security and contentment, her body will usually quite easily respond. Unless, of course, she’s pregnant with all-day morning sickness, severely sleep-deprived, breastfeeding, overloaded with tons of housework, fighting with the kids to do their homework and take showers, and doesn’t have enough caffeine in her system. Which I would venture to say is most moms out there.

But, don’t worry about that just yet. You have time until you experience those glorious days. For now, you need to realize that your mind must be excited in order for your body to be excited.

Dana, you should know that you and millions of other young, impressionable girls like you have been completely sabotaged. Movies, TV, internet, and all forms of mass media have brainwashed you into thinking that women are supposed to be vixens that respond to physical stimulation as easily as men do. The love scenes in the movies are just Hollywood magic. To be honest, I don’t think that even Brad and Angelina’s real-life relations are as exciting as their Hollywood love scenes were!

Now let’s talk about your “friend.” He wants to help you out, so to speak. How generous. Is he on a personal campaign to save the world, one virgin at a time? If I were you, I would change my number and never be in touch with this guy again. This just proves the point that guys and girls should not be friends. There is always a guy friend that is secretly dreaming of crossing the line, even though he doesn’t show it. How do you know this guy doesn’t have lewd and disgusting thoughts about you? Ewww! And then you go and treat him like one of your girlfriends, probably telling him all of your most personal secrets.

Man, girls are so naive!!

Dana, I think you need to do a lot of self-discovery before you even think about sex. First, you need to work on realizing what an awesome, special woman you are. Rebbe Nachman teaches us that we must always look for our good points! It’s too easy to find what’s wrong with us; the work is in finding what’s right with us!

Because you’re feeling down on yourself and feeling like you’re missing out on life, your self-esteem may have gone down as a result. If you find that indeed you lack self-confidence and a feeling that you are special, then this is what you really need to fix before you try to date.

You should also know that spirituality works according to the law of attraction: you attract what you feel. If you feel low, you’ll either not attract any guy because no one will be interested in you, or you’ll attract a guy that doesn’t hold you in high esteem. If you feel good about yourself, you’ll attract a guy who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Here’s the hidden blessing in all of this, Dana. Hashem is patiently waiting for you to figure things out and decide on your path in life, before things get more complicated. Now, your future is wide open. It’s a great time for you to find out where you’re holding spiritually and to decide if you want to grow and find someone that wants to grow with you.

Here are two awesome books that will give you a head start in your spiritual growth: The Garden of Emuna and Women’s Wisdom.

I hope you stay strong and don’t end up giving in to your curiosity. I promise that if you embark on a path of spiritual and self-discovery, Hashem will give you all of the blessings that your heart desires, and infinitely more!

Racheli