5 Tips for Joy in Marriage

The world of marriage is complex. It entails everything from a physical to a spiritual existence. There is laundry to do and garbage to throw out, plus paying the bills while at the same time, implementing all of the spiritual tips that Rav Shalom Arush teaches. This essay will explore some other tips that I have been fortunate to receive from my dear Rabbis Aharon HaLevi and David Ben Yehuda from Yeshivat Machon Meir in Jerusalem. 

1. PICK A RABBI

You need to know from the very beginning of your marriage how strict/lenient your wife is when it comes to Jewish law. If you are a very lenient guy and your wife is very strict, it will lead to arguments and tension on the days that are supposed to bring you both the closest.

TIP: Choose a Rav for Jewish law together with your wife, thereby eliminating possible stressful future interactions.

2. THE HOME

For a woman, the home is an extension of her body. The household is the most important thing for her. That means when things go wrong with the house, it’s a direct hit on her happiness. For most men, taking care of things around the house is like putting an X on the checklist. But for her, it’s completely different- it’s downright personal! In this case a man should take care of whatever needs to be done ASAP. This falls into the category of “making her number one!”

In addition, the house, like her wardrobe, should always be in refresh mode. Meaning a man should give his wife the feeling that he loves her interior decorating and compliment her on how she decided to arrange the house. Aside from that, a man should give his wife the feeling that if she ever would like to change something, the layout of the furniture, the color of the walls, or anything else, he would encourage her. Give her room to decide!

TIP: Regularly give your wife a sum of money and say “Honey, this is for you to do whatever you want with for the home.”

3. ARGUMENTS

How to respond in such a touchy situation? We have to realize that women are very delicate flowers, and are offended by everything. Hence, this is why Rav Arush says, “Don’t make comments.”

“The food is dry, the house is a mess, why don’t you dress more like that,” etc.

Remember, she wants to be number one. She can’t stand it when you make anything else more important than her, even your Torah learning. In these situations, it is a life saver to have your daily hitbodedut session (60 minutes of personal prayer). In your prayer session you just need to be honest with Hashem and say:

“Please help me bring back the peace!  Help me get out of this one! Show me the way! What makes her happy?!”

Ask for forgiveness and assess yourself in line with what it means to be a good husband and resolve to do better and plan ahead. See our CD’s on Shalom Bayit.

TIP: After an argument it can really help if you start doing things like sweeping up the floor, doing the dishes, folding the laundry, cleaning the bathrooms or anything domestic to give her a hand. You will reap the benefits. J

It’s also very important to keep your feelings coming out, and when you resume speaking again, assure her of your love for her and of her being your number one. An argument should be tended to immediately. Buy her little tokens of love, do what makes her happy and sincerely say that you are sorry. Don’t ever go to bed upset and with unresolved arguments hanging over you, and always pray for peace in the home.

4. COMING HOME:

While you are at work it’s easy to skip lunch and then come home expecting something to eat. Don’t fall into this trap. Why? Rav Arush teaches that when we come home hungry, we come home as takers/receivers. Our job biologically and spiritually is to be givers. So always pack some healthy snacks with you like granola bars and eat them before entering the door. If you forgot to pack something it is helpful to call home and ask your wife ahead of time, “Honey, should I pick something up for us to eat tonight?” Then you’ll have an answer if she’s made anything and at the same time show that you care about her.

TIP: Eating something beforehand will relax you enough to the point that when she asks you to do something, you’ll have much more patience to do what she requests.

5. PERSONAL HOLINESS:

Be honest with yourself if you have an issue guarding your eyes and seek help. A man won’t have peace until he truly corrects himself.

TIP: Implement the wisdom laid out in “Garden of Purity.”

GOOD LUCK!!!