Savta Psycho

Sometimes I wonder if I am altogether sane. Recently, my husband was out of town on his two-week work vacation, and I had the merit of taking care of my five wild monkeys all by my lonesome self. It was soooo easy. No stress. No screaming. No flying broomsticks (me, not the kids.) No UFO’s to the head (the kids, not me.) No threats that I’m gonna run away to the nearest Ritz Carlton for an emergency two-day retreat. Overall, it was easy, shmeazy.

I just can’t figure out why I look like I’ve aged ten years in the past two weeks. Maybe it’s the summer heat.

Well, to add punishment to punishment, I had promised the kids that I would take them on one big outing when their father was away. Can you imagine the constant, incessant reminders they gave me? Every day, I had to postpone it another day because: one, I was too tired, and two, they didn’t behave that great. Okay, that’s seriously an understatement.

Eventually, the second week came around and I still hadn’t taken them anywhere. I knew I was backed into a corner, so I gave in. I told them that we would go to the zoo the following day. Yippee. They were super excited, but all I could think about was pushing an 80-pound double stroller loaded with kids, water bottles, diapers, food, etc., etc., up the steep Jerusalem mountains. The zoo is absolutely beautiful, and is a must-visit when you come to Israel. Just be prepared to be very sore the next day.

To add to the excitement, I decided to take them on the train, as it stops directly in front of the zoo, and I am too scared to drive through Jerusalem. To me, it’s like Manhattan, but the roads make zero sense, as they curve here and there, and all of a sudden you’re facing a one-way street or an Arab neighborhood.

Okay. Of course, that morning, no one was ready on time (me,) and we got to the train station with six minutes left to board the train. As I pulled into the tiny parking lot, I quickly saw that there was no parking. My next option was to park in the main parking lot of the adjacent mall, and that wasn’t so close. I was nearly panicking by the time I found a spot way down at the end of the world. Getting the kids with the stroller, bags of food, diapers, water bottles, etc., etc., was- well, if you’ve ever watched “Home Alone” and remember that scene where they leave the airport- pure chaos.

On top of all that, it was incredibly hot, and I think I lost five pounds of water weight just running from the car to the train station. Miraculously, we did kfitzat haderech, which is like supernaturally shortened travel time, and we actually made it on the train. Miracles.

Once we were settled on the train and my heartbeat came back down to semi-pounding, I almost got to relax in my seat. That is, until the baby on my lap wanted to keep climbing onto the table to look out the window. I let him at first, obviously holding him, but the annoying train guy kept coming around and telling me to take him down. I almost asked him if he wanted to take care of the baby. Seriously, what is his job, anyway? I can also walk up and down the train and annoy people- and I would happily accept any payment for my services.

So, I was stuck holding him and walking him around, trying not to fall over as the train swayed side to side through the hairpin turns on the tracks. It was almost like riding a roller coaster. Finally, after 45 minutes of pure fun, the voice told me were were about to pull up to the zoo. Not the voice in my head, silly! So, I got everyone together and we all stood by the doors, waiting for them to open. There was a very nice older woman and her teenage granddaughter standing with us, also waiting to get off at the same stop. She was super bubbly and just very grandmotherly, telling my kids in an Israeli Mary Poppins voice to hold her hands. I felt like she was my grandmother, but much more cheerful. I almost hugged her.

We all stood there expectantly as the train finally came to a stop. When it did, we all stood expectantly, waiting for the magical doors to open. They didn’t. The next thing I knew, the train was starting to move again! WHAT??!!! I thought I was having a bad dream. Where is the train going?! Why didn’t it stop?! OMG, I was about to lose my mind.

The useless train guy suddenly showed up and told us that the following stop was the last stop, and we had to disembark. I wanted to cry. I had no idea where we were going, and how we would get back. He just told me to go talk to the manager of the station. My kids were going crazy, but not as crazy as Savta Psycho!

In a split second, she transformed from Mary Poppins to the girl that was possessed in the movie, “The Exorcist.” By the time we all got to the manager’s office, she was so mad, she was shaking. She was yelling at the driver, the manager of the train station, and the stupid useless train guy. I thought her head was going to start spinning ’round and ’round, just like possessed girl. I kind of ducked, half expecting fire or something else to come out of her mouth. Actually, I found it quite amusing that she got so mad. I know, it’s a little sadistic. Sorry.

The manager told us that we could either walk to the zoo, which would take about 15 minutes, or we could wait for the next train, which would take almost an hour. We decided to wait for the next train. I wasn’t about to do any more walking than was absolutely necessary, especially since it was nearly 100 degrees outside.

Incidentally, here are two absolutely ridiculous things. First, it turns out that the doors don’t always open automatically at every stop. There’s a secret button that you have to press if you want the doors to open at your stop. Why is there no SIGN that tells you to OPEN THE DOORS? Elementary, my dears- that would make TOO MUCH SENSE! Second, the train that we were supposed to wait for turned out to be the SAME train with the SAME driver, that was just standing at the train station for that entire hour!

Am I taking crazy pills??

The kids were happy, because I got them sodas and chips to pass the time. As we sat on the floor and waited (what, do you expect there to be sufficient seating at the train station? What’s wrong with you?), my oldest son told me that the men Savta Psycho was yelling at were laughing behind her back as she walked away.

Hmmm. This set off a spark in my head – actually, two sparks. First spark: it’s true. Losing your temper really makes you look like an idiot. Thank God I only do that in my house. Second spark: Hashem actually did us a big favor, I realized. It was 12:15 when we were supposed to get off at the zoo station. This meant that we would have started our zoo walking marathon exactly during the hottest part of the day. So, Hashem decided to make us wait an hour, when it would be slightly cooler. I don’t know how much of a difference one degree makes, but I like my theory, so I’m sticking with it.

You can see by this ridiculous story that looking at everything with emuna can save you tons of stress and aggravation. You don’t have to look like Savta Psycho.

P.S. Can you believe that when we were waiting for the train to pick us up from the zoo, we nearly missed that as well because of that STUPID BUTTON YOU HAVE TO PRESS TO OPEN THE DOORS???