How Will I Know?

Dear Racheli,

I am in my early 30’s and have been through my fair share of relationships. More than once, I was convinced that the man I was dating was “The One.” In the end, he wasn’t. I am so confused. How can I know which man is the man Hashem intends for me? I don’t want to end up making a big mistake…

Thanks so much, Sandra

Shalom Sandra,

Your question is actually more like 10 questions, but I’ll do my best to keep it focused. Let’s break it down with some more questions, shall we?

First question: what are you looking for in a relationship? By “relationship,” I mean “marriage.”  If you’re not planning on getting married, I have no advice for you. I don’t believe in long-term, indefinite relationships. On the other hand, if you are planning on being a wife and a mother, there are some issues that you must first clarify for yourself.

Beyond the usual, “good looking, successful, educated, won’t cheat on me, will change diapers, etc.” requests, what more are you looking for in a future husband?

Let’s stop right there and complicate things by asking question #2: do you have a spiritual lifestyle? By this, I don’t mean chanting in the Himalayas. I mean, do you live with Hashem in your life? Whether you are Jewish or not, how much do you involve Hashem in your thoughts, activities, and ideals?

If you are Jewish, are you observant? Do you want to live a Torah-observant lifestyle? How do you want to raise your children? With an awareness of G-d, or an awareness of MTV? You can’t have both worlds and be “spiritual.”

My first suggestion would be to clarify for yourself exactly who you are, where you’re currently holding, and what type of lifestyle you’re looking for.

Here’s my next suggestion: if you want to find a real quality guy, and not some jerk who’s pulling off an Oscar-winning performance with his fake genuine care and attention until he has his way with you, do not be intimate with him!! Only this way will you be able to tell if he’s serious about having a future with you, and if he’s actually a human and not a hormone-crazed male gorilla hiding his hairy body under a fancy Armani suit.

This will not only instantly weed out the losers, but it will make your relationship move forward  much, much faster. There are no fake feelings to complicate and confuse your real feelings. In the end, you’ll save months and even years because you’ll figure out if the guy is right for you or not very quickly.

Now that you’re beginning to clarify who you are and what you want for yourself and your future family, here’s the best and fastest way to get it: pray, pray, pray! Like my dear friend M.C. Hammer used to say, “We’s gots to pray just to make it today.” To this day, I still can’t figure out what he had in those crazy pants of his to make them hang so low… Maybe all those millions he ended up flushing down the toilet?

Maybe Hammer was a closet Rebbe Nachman fan. If I’m not mistaken, the gematria of Hammer and Hitbodedut are the same. Fo’ shizzle!

Hidden Breslever or not, Hammer hit the nail on the head. (I’m sooo sorry for the terrible humor!) And without further ado, I shall now explain why hitbodedut, or personal prayer, as we laymen call it, works.

You see, it’s like a spiritual bank account. Let’s say I’m dreaming of a 3-day spa retreat in the mountains. If I ain’t got the money in the bank, I ain’t goin’ nowhere!

So, Sandra, whatever spiritual assets you want to acquire, you need to pay for them. Nothing in this world comes for free! How do you pay for what you want? You pray for it!

Ask Hashem in great detail to give you a man that you can live happily ever after with, that you can grow spiritually together with and raise a family in holiness and purity with. And since you’re asking, why not throw in a few million and a mansion in the Bahamas? (Maybe I shouldn’t be giving advice when I’m severely sleep-deprived…)

Trust me, dahling, when you have reached the required deposit, Hashem will happily give you your soulmate! And, when you do meet him, he will be exactly what you were asking for!

In reality, Hashem does want to give us everything we want and more. The problem is us. We’re just unable to handle too much of a good thing. It’s like trying to pour 100 tons of diamonds into a 2 liter bottle. It just won’t fit! So we’ve got to expand our minuscule 2-liter vessel so it can handle the truckload of abundance that Hashem wants to pour on us!

Here’s another benefit to personal prayer: it makes us appreciate what we get. If not, we can’t enjoy our blessings as much as we should, and we are the only ones that end up losing out.

Sandra, I hope you meet the man that you will happily spend the rest of your life with. And, can you just do me one favor? Can you play that Hammer song at your wedding and send me the video??

All the best, Racheli