Ingredients of Greatness

A very important element in education is to know how to function even during times of adversity, when the evil inclination seems insurmountable. Both parents and children must learn that life doesn’t always go according to the way we’d like. The ability to function in hard times is the first ingredient of greatness.

Many parents feel that their lives are difficult and they in turn make their children’s lives difficult. They expect their children to be perfectly-behaved, always successful, content, orderly, helpful and more. They lack the patience and understanding necessary to relate to the child’s setbacks, or to the days when he is “not in the mood” to do everything to the best of his abilities, as his parents and teachers expect.

Just as we have our ups and downs, so do our children. Even great tzaddikim have times when things do not go their way or when they must summon all their inner resolve to strengthen themselves. Everyone has tests of faith and his own tribulations. No one succeeds all the time. This is the reality that we must accept.

A person who understands that life isn’t always according to one’s rosy expectations has patience for himself and also for his children. He realizes that sometimes they are disobedient, don’t study as they should, or function below their optimum level.

We must remember that we neither should persecute ourselves when we’re not at our best nor persecute our children when they are not at their best. One must be sensitive to his own emotions and to the emotional state of his children, knowing when it’s time for leniency and when it’s time for demands and discipline.

Sometimes, a child needs pampering. Suppose that the child claims he does not feel well and doesn’t want to go to school. The parent sees that the child is not ill. But he must understand that the child – for some reason – needs his parents to allow him to stay home. The sensitive parent can agree, provided that this is not a frequent occurrence. If the child frequently wants to stay home, the parents must try to discover the source of the problem. But when the child only occasionally wants to stay home, parents must also know how and when to acquiesce.

When the child has a ‘down’ day, a little extra pampering and encouragement goes a long away. In the above example, the parent can say to the child: “Stay home today if you like. You’ve been working very hard in school. Don’t worry – today, you can stay home and recharge. Tomorrow, you’ll feel much stronger, with Hashem’s help.”

In this way, we help the child to grow up without needless pressure. We also teach him that sometimes, things do not go our way; we should be patient with ourselves when things are looking down. Unfortunately, children are taught to deal with success; few learn how to function during times of difficulty and setbacks. Then, when they grow up, they lack patience for themselves and for their times of failure. They become tense or broken, passing their anxiety on to their children for generations to come.

Setbacks are usually a heavenly hint to a person that he must rectify something. Sometimes, the lack of success comes as a reminder that success must not be taken for granted. And sometimes, as Rebbe Nachman writes (Likutei Moharan I:261), it is simply to arouse a person to seek enhanced proximity to Hashem. Rebbe Nachman’s advice for dealing with a setback is to declare a fresh start. One should definitely not castigate himself or consider himself a loser, sinner, criminal or what not, but simply that he should make a fresh start and try his best to get closer to Hashem. 

One can’t readily define all the reasons why a person does not succeed. A person must simply accept the reality that sometimes he fails. Under no circumstances should he castigate himself. A person must also teach his children this basic fact, so that they will not grow up tormenting themselves.

When a child does not succeed at something, parents have a perfect opportunity to teach him how to cope with life’s prickly times. This is the one of the main ideas that we convey in our book The Garden of Emuna for Young People, and Little Nachman. Our forefathers Abraham, Joseph, Moses and King David all had to deal with very trying setbacks and tribulations from a young age – that’s what made them great. With Hashem’s help, your children will be great too.