Can’t Let Go

Dear Racheli,
 
I'm a Baal Teshuva woman in my mid-20's and engaged to a wonderful BT man. We're getting married in 2 months, G-d willing. However, lately I have all kinds of resentful feelings coming up over my ex-boyfriend, who cheated on me repeatedly during our long relationship together. I feel afraid that this unresolved issue is going to taint my marriage, but I just don't know how to let go of my hateful feelings; especially since he seems to be living the good life. Why am I stuck with all of this emotional baggage while he's getting away with it?
 
Liat
 
Liat,
 
You need a crash course in emuna, STAT! But first, Mazal Tov on your upcoming wedding!
 
Let's start with your current feelings. It's perfectly normal for all kinds of old stuff to come up out of the blue before such a life-changing event. Your mind is preparing for the future, and doing its best to sort out the past. Inherently you want to resolve this quickly, and it's great that you're aware of the fact that these feelings are bothering you. It means you want to face your feelings so you can move on, instead of just burying them again. If you did that, they would pop up later on in your marriage, and they could do some serious damage at that point.
 
Let's move on. Okay, so you're mad at your ex. Shocking. That's why he's your ex, right?
 
On the surface, life seems unfair. The bad guy looks like he's getting away with murder – sometimes literally – and the unfortunate victim is left to suffer with all of the trauma from his painful experience(s). Without what Rav Brody calls “spiritual awareness”, this world certainly seems cruel and unfair. If people look at their experiences only superficially, they are doomed to never learn from them. What's worse is that they either blame G-d for punishing them without reason, or they forget about G-d altogether.
 
These conclusions are exactly the opposite of what G-d was hoping to teach us through the entire painful experience. Here's where the emuna comes in. There is a spiritual law of cause and effect that everyone lives by, whether they realize it or not. It's not the type that many people might think of: the kind where if you do something bad, something bad will happen to you. This worldview also lacks spiritual awareness.
 
The Torah worldview is much more merciful. You see, many times we get involved in situations that are harmful for us. The problem is that we don't see the danger until we're completely stuck in it and don't see any easy way out of it. We're like flies that land on a Venus Fly Trap; we can be walking in the middle of danger, but we don't realize it until that crazy plant snaps its death jaws shut on us.
 
Now here's the thing; Hashem is a Loving Father. He doesn't want us stuck in a death grip with no way out. Therefore, He sends us situations to shake us up out of our Facebook comas in order to prevent consequences that are beyond our fixing. For example, this boyfriend who cheated on you repeatedly- imagine what would have happened if you had never known that he was cheating on you. You might have married him, had a few kids, and only then found out that he was a first-class jerk! This actually happened to a friend of mine.
 
Hashem wanted you to see what a loser this guy really was, so He exposed your ex in all his cheating glory.
 
But what if there was more to this story? What other lessons might Hashem have been trying to teach you?
 
Here's why emuna, the belief that everything is from Hashem and for our ultimate best, is so literally life-saving. With emuna, you can now approach this situation in a more proactive way instead of as a hurt victim.
 
Now, Liat, I'm not sure if you knew the guy was cheating on you, yet you went back to him after he gave you a bunch of flowers and a few fake tears, or you found out at the end of the relationship. Nonetheless, the fact that he was unfaithful makes me suspect that your relationship was not such a happy and fulfilling one for the two of you.
 
That being the case, you can start to do some introspection and hopefully begin to understand why you allowed yourself to stay in such a negative relationship. What did Hashem want to show you about yourself that you needed to change? Could it have been that you didn't value yourself as much as you should have? Maybe Hashem was trying to tell you, “My daughter, you're so much better than this guy! Don't settle! I have someone much better for you- trust Me!”
 
The best way to find out the hidden messages in our lives is to do personal prayer every day. Talk to G-d about what you're going through, and ask Him for help and guidance. Since you have trouble letting go of your hurt feelings, ask G-d to help you let go of them so you can have a fresh start with your future husband.
 
The only way to develop and strengthen your emuna is to talk to G-d. There is simply no other way. A person can't tell himself, “I'm going to believe that everything is for the best,” and really follow through if he doesn't have a strong connection with Hashem. As soon as the going gets tough, the big talker turns into a whimpering kitten who wants to curl up in a corner and avoid all of his problems.
 
There is one aspect of personal prayer that is the key to emuna- this is saying, “Thank You.” Thanking Hashem for your painful experience will open up your spiritual eyes, and eventually you will see how everything was indeed for your best. Spend 30 minutes a day thanking Hashem for your past and you will be amazed at how quickly you are able to move on.
 
There is something else that you must realize. G-d has His own time line, and even though your ex seems to have gotten away with hurting you, trust me- he will pay his spiritual debts in the end. But that's not something you should be concerning yourself with.
 
On a side note, I'd like to address the single women and men out there. Let Liat's situation be a lesson for you to stay away from pre-marital relationships! They are almost always a complete waste of time, as most couples that date don't end up getting married to each other- even those who live together for 10+ years!
 
If you're serious about getting married, go through a shadchan (matchmaker) and never, ever be intimate before the wedding!
 
Here's the best advice I can give. I call it “The Happily Ever After Series.” Start your marriage with the best tools in the world- get Women's  Wisdom for yourself, The Garden of Peace for your husband, and The  Garden of Gratitudefor the two of you.
 
Liat, may you and your future husband merit to build a beautiful partnership that will bring tremendous blessings to yourselves and the entire world.
 
Racheli
 
 
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Feel free to send Racheli your questions, particularly in the areas of marriage, dating, child-rearing and women's role; write her at racheli@breslev.co.il