Our True Nature

Some of the most frequent questions that I’ve received recently include the following:

“How can I learn to go more with the flow of life?”

“Why do little things always throw me off balance?”

“Can you please tell me how to stop torturing myself with constant negative thoughts and judgments about myself and other people?”

“Why is it so hard for me to just relax and let go?”

“I’m constantly beating myself up but I feel I deserve it – I really don’t like myself.”

“I’m so competitive…sometimes I make up stories that aren’t true because I think it will give me the edge over someone else…I’m even aware of this when I’m doing it… but I can’t stop myself. How can I stop this insanity and have more emuna?”

We live in a culture that makes us feel that we’re doing something very wrong if we aren’t constantly striving with the power of our own strength, motivation and intellectual prowess to succeed at “mastering life.” What the world doesn’t tell you is that it’s an impossible task and that no one has ever been able to do it. The questions above were all asked by people who have been victims of this cultural conditioning to varying degrees.
 
I’ve never met a truly confident and happy person that pushed themselves into being happy. The reason that the “striving to master life” philosophy will never work is because it’s based on a very flawed premise.
 
The predominately atheistic belief about human nature is that man should dominate nature (which includes other people and nations). It has become the cultural norm for people to feel a constant inner pressure to strive with all their might to become powerful, influential and to amass as much wealth as they can. This philosophy only leads to despair.
 
The truth about human nature is just the opposite.
 
It is the deepest wish of human beings to be held accountable to do what’s right and just even if it doesn’t lead to self-aggrandizement. There is no deeper satisfaction for human beings than to submit to G-d’s moral authority – because this is our true place in Creation to submit to G-d. G-d knows our nature better than the atheists do because He created us. Since G-d created us He, not the atheists, knows everything about us and He has shared whatever we need to know about ourselves in the Torah and through His holy sages.
 
The famous mystic, Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov made the following declaration daily: “Master of the world I hereby turn over to You all of the thoughts I will think today; all of the feelings that I will feel today and all of the actions that I will take today.” After having made this declaration, the Baal Shem Tov remarked that he would be completely at peace with whatever occurred that day because he had fully nullified his own will and turned himself over completely to G-d.
 
When after more than 30 years of psychotherapy practice I finally realized that the true nature of human beings is not to strive to dominate and control their environment but to find G-d in their environment and to yield to Him – G-d then helped me to start counseling people with this new understanding.
 
Elana presents externally as an overly-controlled, obsessive woman. She has been told on more than one occasion that she makes people uncomfortable with her loud, pressured, and excessive speech. For this reason, she has been forced to change jobs five times in last two years. Elana knows that she rubs people the wrong way with her controlling style, but says that she just can’t help it. Elana could not remember a day in her life when her thoughts didn’t seem to her like an out-of-control train that’s about to run off the tracks and crash. Most of Elana’s thoughts revolve around the themes of self-hatred, guilt, and a masochistic need to be punished for her sins.
 
Once I explained to Elana that it was not her true nature to be controlling and I taught her a few exercises that were designed to relinquish her “control” first-hand, she recognized how supremely good it feels to let go and enjoy a calm clear mind. The more over-controlled the person is, the greater is the relief they get when they do these exercises.
 
Elana said: “I can’t believe how good this feels! I want to run through the streets and tell everybody how easy it is to have a free mind and live in the present!” This was a really powerful experience for Elana which with continued reinforcement has the potential to permanently change how she thinks and feels.
 
Here are few ideas for you to keep in mind. I hope that they’ll help you or someone who you know…

*The process of surrendering, not to the problem, but to G-d always works.
 
*Fighting the problem head on by ourselves only strengthens the problem.
 
*There is something about losing control (in the right way) that makes us feel very good.
 
*We can only have one thought at a time.
 
*Sometimes a negation is the strongest affirmation.
 
*Losing an ability is also an ability.
 
*Not-knowing is knowing.
 
*Surrender is victory.
 
*Accepting whatever happens takes away most of the pain.
 
*When we nullify our will to G-d’s will, He nullifies the wills of others to us.
 
*When we “give in” to G-d it doesn’t make us a “nothing,” we become connected to the greatest Something.