Healing the Parent

Dear Dr. Zev,

As a school social worker, I have on my caseload a very nasty mother of two children who screams at her children non-stop. On her 8 year old son’s birthday, she became furious at him simply because he didn’t like the spaghetti dinner that she cooked. She screamed at him for 15 minutes telling him that he was an ungrateful kid and obviously didn’t appreciate all that she does for him. That poor little boy cried his heart out! How do I approach this miserable excuse for a mother?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Cooper

Dear Mrs. Cooper,

With all due respect, I don’t think that you can be of any help to this mother or her son as long as you are viewing her as a “miserable excuse for a mother.” To start, I think a more useful way of thinking about her angry behavior is to view it as a “cry for her own help.”

Parents who scream at their kids already have a core belief about themselves that they are a “miserable excuse for a mother” (or a father). If she senses that you believe that her rage is all of who she is, then she will never let herself be influenced by you. What this mother needs is your help to redefine her identity as someone who could never ever imagine herself screaming at a child. I would start by asking her who it was who yelled at her the way that she yelled at her son because someone certainly did – then you can help her to understand more about the limitations of the person who yelled at her and the subsequent effect that that yelling has had on her life. The greatest gift that you can give that 8-year-old boy is to help his mother heal from her own abuse. You can also role play with her how you would handle the situations with her children that have been difficult for her.

Editor’s Note: Dr. Ballen describes how to heal from one’s own abuse in the following video.

This mother needs you to help her to think more deeply than she usually does about the kind of mother she really wants to be and to help her to start living like that woman right now – only then will she be able to consistently and permanently alter her behavior and become a more sensitive and nurturing mother to her children.

Your role as a social worker has much in common with being a good parent – G-d wants you to make yourself an irresistible model for your clients to emulate. What makes the difference is leading with kindness and setting limits in the kindest way you can if that’s necessary. Believing in this mother and in G-d’s power to help you to help her is essential for any helping process to get started. This doesn’t mean that you should turn your back on obvious abuse. This can’t be tolerated. I’m speaking about a situation where you feel that the mother genuinely wants help and where you can see that the situation is improving. She must feel strongly that you believe in her ability to be a good mother but that you are also not afraid to exercise your authority to set limits on her behavior and thereby protect her children if necessary. 

Rabbi Arush says that the problem of murder and violence in today’s world is a mirror of the violence that we harbor in our own hearts. Each of us needs to work on ourselves to recognize that anger, impatience and harsh judgments towards others separates us from Hashem and his Divine assistance. You have the opportunity to provide a “corrective emotional experience” for this woman. She may have never in her life opened up to someone who saw her inherent worth, judged her favorably and showed a sincere interest in helping her regardless of her external behavior.

Rabbi Arush’s book on the education of children (The Garden of Education) is a must read not only for parents but for teachers, social workers and anyone who is involved with children and their families. You will learn to recognize the “inner child” in most of your “adult” clients and, through your personal example, help them to adopt and live by the values that are important to them. Most parents who lose their temper with their children don’t approve of their own behavior, nevertheless they don’t believe that they can be any other way. If you help this mother with the other stresses that are impacting on her life she will, with G-d’s help, become even more receptive to your efforts to change her beliefs about herself. Then shower her with the love, appreciation and encouragement that she needs for whatever progress she begins to make. You should merit abundant blessings and success in all of your work.

Sincerely yours,
Dr. Zev Ballen