Learning to Love

Love is one of the major driving forces of humanity. It is arguably our main motivation for living. Everyone is searching for love, yet few people actually find it. Unfortunately, what most people find is a fleeting love, which eventually dies or transforms to hate when the relationship dies.

Thus, most people suffer from a misunderstanding of what real love is, thanks to Hollywood and, well, Hollywood.

There are two main areas of misguided love that I would like to explore: the love between husband and wife and the love between parents and children.

There is an all-too-common phenomenon that happens when many couples divorce: they absolutely, completely, poisonously, hate each other. It is a sad outcome of years spent struggling to build a life together, particularly if they already have children.

Which begs the question: can love really turn to hate? Or was it never really love in the first place?

The answer seems to go according to whose ideals a person believes in. If they follow Hollywood ideology, then yes, love can turn into hate. Why? Look at the movies- how do couples usually fall in love? Their eyes meet, their “souls” connect, and BAM! In an instant of Hollywood magic, the couple finds themselves in love. Of course, what would a Hollywood ending be without happily-ever-after? Moviegoers might demand a refund!

Unfortunately, with no other ideology to go by, people literally take their cue from Spielberg and try to live out their own love stories- minus the $100 million budget. They base their love mainly on physical attraction and “The Spark”. If they feel The Spark, it must be true love. If their current object of attraction is by far more attractive than their previous object of attraction, well, it must be true love! Consequently, people can experience True Love many, many times in their lives.

So what’s not real about this love? Considering both factors- that the person is physically attractive and there is a spark- what real, long-lasting basis is their love founded on? Both factors are intrinsically selfish and short-sighted. It’s all about me, and what my partner can offer me.

When the object of our True Love stops being as attractive to us, or when we feel The Spark fading, the Hollywood romance ends shortly thereafter. But have no fear! Most of us are already on the prowl for another victim, I mean, object of True Love.

Let’s get real- this type of love isn’t love at all. It’s total selfishness, as I have previously elaborated on in my article titled “The Look of Love”.

What does Judaism have to say about real love?

Well, it doesn’t happen in an instant, and not even overnight. Whoah, can most of us even wait that long? I mean, like, if there’s no spark, like, then how’s it supposed to be love??

True love is something that a couple has to work on together. It’s a goal that they must agree to achieve through years of selfLESSness and compromise. It’s also something that grows gradually, if each partner is more focused on giving rather than receiving.

I also think it’s something that a couple can’t achieve if they’re not married. If there’s no real commitment made, what’s to stop one of the partners (men) from bolting when the going gets tough? There are very difficult tests a couple faces throughout their marriage- learning to get along, financial struggles, health struggles, and of course, the never-ending joy of raising children.

The marriage is the glue that keeps them together. The more the couple works on improving their relationship, the more they will reinforce that glue, and the stronger their love becomes.

On to the next topic: love between parent and child.

I, like most people raised in a non-Torah environment, was an unwitting victim of the Baby Love Fantasy. As soon as I became pregnant with my first child, I had all kinds of daydreams about the instant, unwavering, dreamy love I would feel for him the moment I gave birth. To be honest, these fantastical feelings gave me added strength to get through the pregnancy.

I also expected that the love I felt for him would automatically grow each day, no matter what struggles we would face together. When he was born, I couldn’t fathom how I could ever get mad at him, punish him, or yell at him. I was going to be the best mom ever!

Yeah, that worked out according to plan.

When my second child was born, I was in for a real shock. He was a crier who always needed to be held. Honestly, it drove me crazy. As a result, my love for him seemed to suffer, as the first year was far from enjoyable.

I beat myself up a lot over it.

And then I realized- could it be that I didn’t know everything about everything?! Was there something about love that I had yet to understand?? After I painfully and grudgingly put my ego aside, I realized that, yes, there were still plenty of lessons to be learned.

I learned that even the love of a parent towards a child requires work- lots of it. Especially when they realize they have a mouth and learn how to use it against you. And you know what? It seems that the older the kids get, the harder it is to love them. So am I supposed to resign myself to the fact that one day my kids might hate me because I didn’t give them enough love because they sucked all the love out of me? Like, totally, no way!

As Rebbe Nachman says, “Never despair!” There is a way to achieve true love in both areas!

Men- read “The Garden of Peace”. Women- read “Women’s Wisdom”. And all parents and future parents- MUST READ “Education with Love”.