The Family Scapegoat

It was Sunday afternoon and Michal, age 49, was expecting guests. Wanting to entertain outside, she hurried to straighten up the terrace. With a heavy pair of gardening sheers, she began to cut down the tall, thick weeds that had sprouted up all over her large terrace during the rainy season. It was early afternoon in a suburb of Jerusalem. As she worked, she baked in the heat of the sweltering  July sun.
 
Calling to her daughter Michal said: "Dina could you please come and help me with this?" Dina stepped out onto the porch and saw her mother out of breath and dripping with perspiration.  She said: "I'm a little busy now, mom. Just leave all the cuttings and I'll come back latter and throw them out."
 
 "I really wish you could help me now, Dina," said Michal, "What's exhausting me is cutting these things down. They're so thick! Picking up the pieces is easy compared to this."
 
"Don't worry mom, I promise I'll come back and help you later." Michal watched incredulously as her teenage daughter turned around and walked back into the house.
 
Forty-five minutes later, Dina came to the window adjoining the terrace and saw her mother working in the scorching heat. By this time Michal was feeling very hurt and angered that she had completed the whole job by herself  and her daughter had not cared enough to even bring her a glass of water. Michal took a puff of asthma medication in an attempt to elicit her daughter's sympathy to no avail.
 
"Are you okay, Mom?" asked Dina.
 
No longer able to contain herself, Michal answered: "No, actually I'm not okay."
 
"Oh, there you go again being angry," charged Dina. "Why do you always have to get so angry if we don't jump to help you whenever you decide to work? Why should I have to drop everything that I'm doing at the moment that you decide to weed the terrace?"
 
Trying to restrain herself, Michal answered: "Until now I wasn't angry, but honestly I was hurt, Dina, that you left me to do all of this alone when I asked you to help me out."
 
Dina was livid.  Walking away she said," Why can't you be like other mothers. Really – you're not normal!"
 
While Michal was finishing her work, Dina went downstairs to speak to her father: "Mommy is in another one of her bad moods…she is being very cold to me. I told her that I would help her by collecting and throwing out the cuttings but that wasn't good enough for her."
 
Don, listened empathically to his daughter and said: "Okay, don't worry. I'll speak to her."
 
Meanwhile, checking her watch Michal saw that she only had 25 minutes before her guests would arrive and was about to take a shower when Don walked into the room. "What happened with Dina?" Don asked his wife accusingly. "She said that you spoke very coldly to her again."
 
Michal felt trapped and enraged by Don's criticism. Defensively she replied: "That's not true! I simply asked her to help me and she refused."
 
Michal didn't want to say another word to her husband. She felt frozen inside. She was in therapy long enough to at least know that she was being scapegoated just as she had been growing up in her parent's home.  Once again she felt the wound that her therapy never healed. She felt betrayed by her daughter and even more so by her husband. Not knowing what to do, Michal remained silent. A few minutes later, she left to go out and speak to Hashem.
 
"Hashem, I'm so angry…I want to murder them both. Why do You keep repeating this in my life? Wasn't it enough that I had this growing up? I don't get it Hashem; why are yYu doing this to me? Back then I thought it was coming from my parents and brother. Now I know You are doing it, but that's still not helping me. I'm sorry Hashem. I can't talk to You anymore. I'm too weak. I'm going home to tell them what I think of them. I am through with being blamed and ganged up on."
 
Michal got in her car: "Hashem. If You're there, You can see I'm at my breaking point. It is too physically painful for me to stay here and speak to You. My rage has consumed me. I have nothing more to tell You. Now is the time to save me from myself. Keep me here until I calm down, please for the sake of my marriage and my children – don't let me budge from this spot until I am calm!"
 
Michal put her head down on the steering wheel and sobbed a great deal.
 
With the help of Heaven, thirty minutes later, Michal felt somewhat calmer and had a plan to deal with her husband and her daughter.
 
She was grateful.
 
When she arrived home she saw her guest's car parked in front of their building.  She spent the next several hours socializing with her family and friends in a calm and pleasant manner. Later that night when she thought that her children were asleep, Michal approached her husband. He was in his study, learning.
 
"Do you have time to talk with me, Don? I've had time to think about what happened today and it's important that we speak about it."
 
"Yes, sure," he said, closing the book he was reading. At first, Don fought with Michal but this time she was ready for his attacks.  Michal felt she had Hashem's truth on her side. This thought kept her feeling calm and strong while her husband continued to chastise her. Unfortunately Don only used this time to launch continued criticisms of his wife; but Michal said very little. All she said to her husband was how important it was for their daughter's sake that she not be able to turn her parents against each other and how important it is for couples to do everything they can to preserve their spouse's honor in the eyes of their children.
 
That was it.
 
That night as Michal passed her daughter's room she overheard Don speaking with their daughter: "Dina, I want to tell you that as much as I love you, it was wrong of me to side with you against your mother today."  Michal went into her room to get ready for bed while Don and Dina continued speaking.
 
A little later, Dina knocked on her mother's door. She came in and said : "Mommy, I am so sorry for the way that I spoke to you today. You didn't do anything  and I just acted so badly towards you. Will you forgive me?"
 
Tearfully, Michal reached out for her daughter, and lovingly embraced her: "Of course, I forgive you darling. I love you. Don't worry about it. We'll always be close."
 
After they kissed each other "good-night," Michal picked up the phone  and dialed a number: "Hello mommy, it's me Michal. I'm sorry it's so late…for some reason I just needed to say 'good-night' and tell you how much I love you."