Easing Up on Others
It’s no secret that we live in dangerous times. We look around, and there are enemies on all sides. What’s worse, though, is the damage we do to ourselves...
It’s no secret that we live in dangerous times. We look around, and there are enemies on all sides. What’s worse, though, is the damage we do to ourselves…
A little while back, I started going to a kind of discussion group on lashon hara, which was set up in response to a few horrible events, including the murders in Mumbai and the last Gaza War.
Some rabbinical leaders – Gedolim – had issued a call to Am Yisrael to start loving our fellow Jew, to practice achdut, and to stop speaking negatively about others ‘as though our lives depend on it’.
The group was set up in response to their call, and the last I heard, many hundreds and hundreds of women were participating in it, in locations all around the world. It was very well-meaning, but I couldn’t really internalize the ‘as though my life depends on it’ part.
That doesn’t mean that I indulged in a lot of lashon hara – I tried and continue to try not to speak badly of anyone. But it’s so much harder to stop negative thoughts about people, isn’t it? Especially that person that rubs you up the wrong way, who’s always so arrogant, who doesn’t treat you, or other people, very nicely.
OK, I won’t say what I really think about them, but to go further and think nice thoughts about them? Impossible.
But then recently, Hashem showed me that this is what He wants me to do; and my life and quality of life really does depend on it.
For months and months, I’ve been trying to fend off irrational fears about my family. The fear is always pretty much the same thing – that someone, G-d forbid, will be diagnosed with cancer. It’s been going on for six months, to a greater or lesser degree, and I have done numerous six hour sessions, trying to get to the bottom of it all.
Partially, the fear was designed to get us to move to a much more religiously suitable place. But even after the move, I was still having vestiges of the ‘same old problem’ again, albeit, even more unfounded as the kids are generally so much happier and healthier.
So last Friday morning, I left the kids with their dad, and I went back to Kever Dan. I’ve been to a lot of keverim and holy places. The best place for six hours of hitbodedut was by the grave of Rabbi Nachman in Uman. The next best place, for me, has been Kever Dan. It’s quiet. It’s pretty. It’s holy. There are different places to walk to, if I start getting restless. And it’s 15 minutes’ drive from my new house.
When I arrived, I immediately got down to business: Hashem! Please show me, what is all this irrational fear about? I’ve moved house, I’ve worked on quite a few areas that needed strengthening – why am I still fearful?
And then, dear reader, after months and months of praying for an answer, I got one. In Hebrew, cancer is ‘machalat sartan’. I started thinking about this, and about the word ‘sartan’ in particular. It sounds so much like ‘Satan’, doesn’t it? And what does ‘Satan’, or the yetzer hara, do? Why, he goes around accusing people, and setting them up for harsh judgements.
Then I started to think about my own behavior, vis-a-vis my kids. I’ve been spending hours scanning them for a sign that ‘something’s wrong’, G-d forbid. One little cough, one moan, one shadow under an eye, and the fear kicks in: something’s wrong!
And then I started to think about how I treat my fellow Jew. All the great, wonderful, kind, lovely things that people do for me, and what, so often, do I focus on? The one thing that wasn’t so great. The one ‘off’ comment; the one thoughtless act; the one bad day they had.And then Hashem helped me with the final bit of the puzzle. I remembered that we get judged the way we judge others. If we overlook other people’s flaws, Hashem will do the same for us, and vice versa. If we take a microscope, and try to find the one thing that’s ‘wrong’, Hashem will do the same to us.
And that’s exactly what He’s been doing to me. All of a sudden, the penny dropped. I suddenly realized that the fear was coming in connection to negative thoughts, or ‘judgements’ that I was making, even subconsciously, about my fellow Jews. I’ve had a few more ‘pangs’ subsequently, just to confirm my theory – and they are always preceded by a mental ‘judgement’ session about someone else.
But Hashem doesn’t want any more ‘din’ or judgement in the world. This world is overflowing with ‘din’ already. What He wants is chesed, kindness. He wants us to make every effort to overlook what’s wrong, and look at all the things that are right. OK, our spouse was a bit terse with us this morning, but remember all the cups of tea they’ve made for us! All the time spent nursing us when we’re sick; or working hard to give us the money we need to run our households. What great people they are!
OK, our parents weren’t always perfect. But think of all the time, care, and patience they had to put in to raising us! All the sleep they lost; all the energy they expended on us; all the food they made! What amazing people they are!
And so on and so on. I came away from Kever Dan certain that Hashem wants me to experience more of His kindness by looking for it in more of His creations. The guy that just cut me up on the motorway – he’s in a rush to get home, because he promised his wife he’d take her out for supper.
The woman who pushed in front of me at the super? She’s making a meal for a sick neighbor, and is worrying about her. The bank clerk who was so rude? They were up in the night with their small child, and they are completely washed out.
It doesn’t matter if it isn’t true – it could be. I know if I was sleep-deprived, or late for an evening with my husband, or helping out a neighbor despite my own busy schedule, I could conceivably act like that.
And in the meantime, the fear, finally, is in retreat. I’m still getting the odd pang here and there – and then, when I do a mental check of what’s been running through my head, I always ‘catch’ some criticism of someone that somehow slipped in there.
Hashem wants to show Am Yisrael His kindness and we desperately need it. You and I have a very important part to play in ‘sweetening’ all the harsh things that are happening in the world. We don’t have to roll in ant hills, fast, wear sack cloth and ashes or take on a million stringencies. All we have to do is to love our fellow Jews; to look for all of the tremendous good in the people around us; and to stop all the accusations and judgement calls.
I know it’s going to take me a while to unlearn all my bad habits, but in the meantime, I’ve asked Hashem to help me stop ‘accusing’ Am Yisrael. I’m not doing it for them – I’m doing it for me! Because last week at Kever Dan, I realized that my life – and the lives of everyone around me – really and truly does depend on it.
7/26/2010
wow..that really speaks to me your experience and what you learned from it is such an eye-opener that I have been searching for. Can’t thank you enough…may Hakodosh BaruchHU BLESS YOU IN EVERY WAY AND ALLOW YOU TO CONTINUE YOUR INSPIRATIONAL WRITING OF LIFE EXPERIENCE AND HOW TO LEARN FROM IT.
7/26/2010
your experience and what you learned from it is such an eye-opener that I have been searching for. Can’t thank you enough…may Hakodosh BaruchHU BLESS YOU IN EVERY WAY AND ALLOW YOU TO CONTINUE YOUR INSPIRATIONAL WRITING OF LIFE EXPERIENCE AND HOW TO LEARN FROM IT.