The Greenhouse
The home should be a greenhouse of warmth and sunlight. Smiles and positive reinforcement are the water that helps a child's soul bloom like a beautiful flower.
One of the first things in child education that I learned from my beloved rabbi and spiritual guide Rav Shalom Arush, may Hashem bless him, is that criticism and comments destroy a child. Parents hate criticism and comments, so why do it to their kids? A child’s home should be a greenhouse of warmth and sunlight – smiles, compliments and positive reinforcement are the water that helps a child’s soul bloom like a beautiful flower.
Some kids become stifled – either they’re afraid to say a word, because they know they’ll be shot down with criticism, or else they can’t say a word, because unthinking egotistical parents have robbed them of their self confidence. Such kids remain recluses all their lives – they’re the butterflies that never come out of the cocoon or a withered plant that never received enough water and sunlight to flower and to grow new leaves.
A major sickness of 21st century kids is that their parents are selfish babies that are self-indulgent in their own pursuits. Rather than giving their kids personal attention and quality one-on-one time, they buy their kids “goodies.” Not long ago, I was in the USA and a guest in the home of a well-to-do family; the kids had bedrooms with their own phones, computers, DVDs, and wall to wall toys. Yet, the mother was never home, for she enjoyed her outside-the-home status as a major macher in the community. When the father wasn’t in the office, he was on the golf course with his clients, casually sealing deals and looking to make more money. No wonder the kids were spoiled brats, nervous, an undisciplined. Emotionally, they were like kids form Biafra – starving.
The greatest gift a parent can give a child is attention – the more the better. The sweetest goodie a parent can give a child is one-on-one time and especially conversation. Quality time is a statement that the parent values the child and holds him or her high in the list of parental priorities. Nothing is better for the child’s self-image. Buying toys, on the other hand, is not love nor caring, for time is worth much more that money.
With thanks to Hashem, I’ve told many parents to allot a absolute minimum of two hours a week per child of one-on-one time. Just walk and talk with the child. Don’t preach, don’t lecture, just walk, talk, and play. Be your child’s friend. Especially in Torah families, if a parent is open to play with a child, then the child will be open to learn Torah from the parent. Remember, the time we spend with our children is not bitul Torah, but a Torah commandment in itself.
Children are the mirror images of their parents – our sages said that the acts of father are the stepping stones of sons. Therefore, when we see something faulty in our kids, we are merely seeing our own faults. As such, the best way to educate a child is by educating ourselves – when we correct ourselves, our children follow suit.A parent can’t expect a child to love Torah or to love praying when that parent does not. Not only do we have to strengthen our love for Torah learning and praying, but it’s super important that we work on our character traits, such as uprooting anger. A parent should never use anger in education. If we must correct our children’s behavior, or use discipline, it should be clean of anger.
If a parent can’t discipline his or her child without anger, slapping, or gritting teeth, then he or she should not do anything. A child can’t absorb a message of anger; he or she can be conditioned like an animal, but eventually, it’ll backfire. As much as Rav Shalom is against divorce literally at all costs, he’ll recommend one when it means saving a wife and child from an angry and violent father and husband. It’s better to be a divorcee or an orphan than to have an angry tyrant at home.
In child education, the easy way is ultimately the hard way and the hard way is ultimately the easy and gratifying way. Don’t use cheap substitutes for parental love and attention.
The parents that let their kids watch TV, DVDs, and surf on the web are literally slaughtering the souls of their kids. Let’s talk straight: a child’s soul can’t see anything and everything – parents argue with me that there’s wholesome content on the TV, like nature or documentaries. I tell them that there’s often good food in the garbage dump – sometimes you can find an edible apple or potato in the garbage dump, but is that where you want to go to find food, because sometimes there’re good things there? No, you go to the supermarket! The same thing for TVand the web – they’re spiritual garbage dumps! There are plenty of wholesome and educational alternatives, such as books and outdoor activities, to offer a child.
Again, rather than the documentary on TV, take your child to the park! Go to the zoo. Try rock collecting, bird watching, plant identification – no documentary can be as educational as a parent! Rather than letting a child rot in front of a TV, play with him or her! Invest in them – music lessons, arts and crafts, etc. – set aside an activity where the child learns from you, the parent.
The Torah warns against embarrassing a person in public – this ordinance isn’t limited to age 18 and up; it includes children! Parents should know that there’s no difference between embarrassing a child in front of his or her friends that there is in embarrassing an adult – parents do not have the right to say whatever they want whenever they want.
Some parents are crusaders that want to teach their children how to accept criticism – remember once again, that a child’s soul is tender and the criticism can destroy it. A child thrives on love and understanding. A listening ear is the greatest gift a parent can give a child. Toys and sweets are no replacement.
People frequently ask what the most important hishtadlut (effort) is in child education – the answer is prayer and hitbodedut. We have to ask Hashem for constant help and guidance, that our children grow like healthy vibrant orchids in the most exquisite of greenhouses. These shall be the flowers that grace the Almighty’s Shabbat table, amen!
7/04/2010
thank you My eleven year old was complaining to me tonight that his father ignores him and is either at work or busy writing for a blog. I hope my husband will read this article and we can both take the messages to heart. The saying in this past week’s parsha (Pinchas) of “don’t command the Father regarding the children, command the children regarding Me” can be better followed with the advice you brought in this article. Thank you.
7/04/2010
My eleven year old was complaining to me tonight that his father ignores him and is either at work or busy writing for a blog. I hope my husband will read this article and we can both take the messages to heart. The saying in this past week’s parsha (Pinchas) of “don’t command the Father regarding the children, command the children regarding Me” can be better followed with the advice you brought in this article. Thank you.