Step by Step
Each one of us has our own story to tell, so perhaps through relating our journey, we can learn from one another and inspire those still at a crucial juncture in their lives…
“All new beginnings require that you unlock a new door.” Rabbi Nachman of Breslev
On more than one occasion over the last few years I have had interesting conversations with people who have changed their lives and become religiously observant, chozer b’tshuva (newly penitent). When comparing stories, it is striking how there are so many similarities. From the initial stages throughout the whole metamorphosis, one common thread which stands out more than anything else is that the transformation is usually a very long process.
Each one of us has our own story to tell with its own personal twist, so perhaps through relating our journey, we can learn from one another and inspire those still at a crucial juncture in their lives.
As a young married couple, we were not what one would call observant, but we did try to keep our home kosher in a very lenient way. (I was blessed to have had at least some exposure to Judaism during my childhood.) We had two sets of dishes, one for meat and one for dairy, but we had no problem ordering in Chinese food or non-kosher pizza. Of course, we used disposable paper products for these meals since we wouldn’t think to make our dishes traif (non-kosher). I wouldn’t consider buying non-kosher meat for our home, but thought nothing of going out to any restaurant for a meal and entertainment. Looking back, one can’t help but be embarrassed at the irony of it, but at the time, it seemed perfectly normal. We were so spiritually blind that we thought the dishes needed to be kept kosher but our bodies didn’t!
We began our spiritual ascent when our first-born daughter was in pre-school. We were traditional in that we knew we were Jewish and wanted our children to grow up as Jews despite the overwhelming influences around us, so we enrolled her in a Conservative Jewish Day School. Change began through our daughter who questioned why I didn’t light candles on Friday night and why we didn’t have Kiddush and a Shabbat Meal like they were taught in school. Backed into a corner, we began taking her up on her challenge.
There was another situation which also helped push me over to the other side. It was Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, and although we never went to the Synagogue during the year, it meant a great deal to me to be part of the High Holiday services. Since we weren’t affiliated with any Shul (Synagogue) and we didn’t buy entrance tickets that year, we drove from place to place looking for somewhere to pray. I remember the horrible feeling, driving when we should have been walking, on the holiest day of the year. Defeated, we finally returned home. Instead of asking Hashem to wipe the slate clean, all we managed to do was add a few more sins to the pile.
Shortly thereafter, we decided it would be nice to start going to the synagogue on Saturdays, Shabbat. The only obstacle was, we lived too far to walk, especially with two young children. So we solved the problem the best way we could ~ we drove a couple blocks from the Shul and walked the rest of the way (so no one would see us driving). One could laugh at how silly this sounds if it wasn’t so absurd. Who were we fooling? Hashem sees everything! Thankfully, G-d is a Loving, Merciful Father Who appreciates our efforts and forgives our errors as long as we strive to improve.
I was blessed in another way; my husband was a willing participant in our redirected lifestyle. My religious ambitions could have become a breaking point in our marriage, as often happens, but thank G-d, he was willing to test the waters as well. Together, we were able to bring the Light of Torah into our home.
Becoming strictly kosher was also not accomplished overnight. It was difficult to stop eating out ‘cold turkey’ so we improvised by agreeing to certain rules before others. For example, when we went to McDonalds, instead of ingesting a cheeseburger, we would order filet-of-fish sandwiches. This was our token attempt at Kashrut, despite its obvious fallacy. Through these gradual stages, we were able to finally accept Hashem’s Laws in their entirety.
Once we internalized that this was our rightful path, we moved to a different neighborhood in closer proximity to an Orthodox Shul. Though I failed to acknowledge it at the time, Hashem’s Hand was guiding us every step of the way. My husband and I began to attend separate classes to learn more of the practical aspects of Judaism. These lessons brought incomparable meaning to my world and I looked forward to them immensely.But along with the knowledge and understanding that our new direction was obligatory, came the doubts. As the daily alarm woke my husband for early morning shacharit services, I panicked. Was I never going to be able to sleep late again for the rest of my life? To what self-sacrifice did I commit myself? From the teachings of Rabbi Lazer Brody shlit’a, we can recognize that this was my yetzer hora, evil inclination, trying to shake up our sacred aspirations. Thank G-d I was able to overcome the temptation to submit to despair. On the contrary, taking on the Mitzvot (Commandments) is not a jail sentence, but the key to genuine freedom.
Many years have passed since we embarked on our search for truth. The momentum and growth is an ever-changing perpetual roller coaster, as is life itself. But one cannot reach the peak of a majestic mountain without a lengthy, grueling climb.
May we all seek to reveal our internal holiness by bringing to fruition the words of our thrice-daily plea: “Bring us back our Father, to Your Torah, and bring us near, our King, to Your service, and influence us to return in perfect repentance before you. Blessed are You, Hashem, Who desires repentance.” (from the Shmona Esrei prayer)
AMEN!
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