Taking the Right Side

When a man is exacting about every penny that his wife spends and quarrels with her whenever he feels she spent unnecessarily, he’ll say goodbye to both shalom bayit and his income. Without peace, the household’s income is negatively affected.

Someone that moans about a few pennies this ultimately lose thousands. If a husband would realize what blessings a peaceful relationship invokes, he wouldn’t ruin his marital peace for any amount of money in the world, and certainly not for a few pennies.

When a man is easygoing about his wife’s spending, and doesn’t comment or complain even when he sees that she could have saved money here or there, he will have a constant influx of blessings and will lack nothing. Our Sages say, “Honor your wives in order to become rich.” By being flexible in money matters for the sake of peace, a husband attains both peace and more money. By virtue of peace’s blessing, he’ll succeed in everything he does.

A mother has had a trying afternoon with her rowdy children. They were rude to her, wild, and disobedient. By the time her husband comes home, she’s lost her composure. She’s shouting at them, calling them names, and waving a threatening palm at the most insolent one. Her husband, who hasn’t had to deal with them all day long, is horrified. He runs up and grabs hold of her hand before she has a chance to bring it down on her son. “What’s the matter with you? Calm down, for goodness sake. What crime have they committed?” There’s a showdown, with “merciful Daddy” and the kid’s on one side and Mommy the wicked witch on the other. It seems that Mommy loses, but in reality everyone has lost.

The husband understandably wanted to protect his children, but this shouldn’t have been at the expense of his wife. Why not pity her? Maybe the kids were really insufferable, and had pushed her too far. Even if she has an uncontrollable temper, he should be compassionate with her and try his best to help with. But more so, in his attempt to protect his children from their mother’s anger, he actually causes them far more damage than her anger ever would have. She may have called them names or even smacked them, but by siding with them, he ruins the peace in his home. The turbulent and unhappy home that he’s now left with does more damage to a child’s emotional health than anything else.

When a husband holds himself back and doesn’t correct or challenge his wife in her moments of anger with the children, he gains on many levels.

First, he preserves the peace with his wife. When children grow up in a home where there is peace and love, where they see and feel that Mommy and Daddy are an inseparable entity, they derive a love of life and tremendous inner strength to cope with whatever difficulties they may face. A peaceful home is a basis to build on for their future married lives and the greatest guarantee of emotionally healthy children. With peace in the home, even a mother’s greatest mistakes in raising the children won’t hurt them at all.

On the other hand, when children grow up in a home where there is no peace between their parents, they develop emotional problems. They have difficulty in coping with life and are likely to fail miserably in their own marriages. So when a “merciful” father protects his children from their mother’s rage at the expense of his peace with her, he actually damages them far more than he protects them. Destroying the peace in his home is like taking a sledgehammer to their souls.

Second, by supporting her rather than criticizing, a husband gains his wife’s trust calms her down. She regains her composure and joy, regrets her behavior, and soon makes amends with the children.

Children are not that deeply affected by their mother’s anger because they innately know that she is emotional and acts on her feelings. They know she angers easily but is also quick to be appeased, and then smothers them with love. This is in sharp contrast to the anger of a father, which affects them far more deeply.

But when a husband comments to his wife about her behavior with the children, she feels deeply insulted. Why doesn’t he understand her and stand by her side? And if her husband and children join together against her, she has no motivation to improve her behavior. On the contrary, she gets even angrier with the children, since she blames them for her being insulted by her husband and for causing strife in her home.

From a purely practical point of view, the only way to successfully deal with any problems that arise is in the way of peace. Where there’s love and peace, there is Divine assistance and peace of mind, and one can deal effectively with a problem.

By putting peace with his wife as his number one priority, a man merits Divine assistance and inner tranquility. Hashem will help him to understand the root of problems that arise, and show him the way to correct them. But, if a husband is willing to give up peace to protect his children, or for any other reason, he will never solve the problems that arise, because Hashem will not be with him and his own mind will be unsettled and confused.

How great is peace! No matter how difficult a problem, one’s first priority should be solidifying the peace with his wife. Hashem will then dwell in his home. He and his wife merit Divine assistance, enabling them to overcome all difficulties and solve all problems in a peaceful, loving and effective way.