Rocky Moments
Society thinks that the anti-macho nerd is the loser. But, from the standpoint of truth, the humble person who steers clear of a fight – verbal or otherwise – is the big winner.
We find in the Holy Zohar: King David says, “God saves man and beast” (Psalm 36:7). Is there a connection made here between man and beast? Yes. This refers to a man, a wise man, who, despite being embarrassed, maintains his silence. Why? By holding his tongue, though he’s been hurt by another’s insensitivity, he is like the beast which cannot speak. This is the wisest of all acts, for he knows how to succeed in life. And, above all, he knows how to maintain peace (Zohar III:91a). Crossing the Narrow Bridge, page 187
One of the biggest challenges for me in my spiritual development has been to cut back on the arguing and defensiveness. I actually put in my wedding vows that I would worry more about my husband’s feelings than about being right. Our friends and family literally laughed out loud when I said it. I paused and said, “That’s a tough one.” I can not say I have really kept my word on that one, in all honesty. Although, to be fair, I have improved. Ahem.
It is especially tough for me to let someone ‘win’ if they are abusive in their talk, putting me down. Also, and this is a tough one during the campaign season, it is especially tough if I feel I am being spoken down to by a person who is being arrogant and pedantic. I turn into one giant button that is being pushed over and over. I am certain that many of you have been the recipients of mass emails from frustrated friends who didn’t stop to think before hitting the ‘Send’ button. If the subject line contains all caps and even one exclamation point, it maybe shouldn’t have been sent. I’m just going to go out on a limb and establish that rule. Example: CANDIDATE X MUST BE STOPPED!!! I only want the all caps if it is something like this: SHOE SALE AT NORDSTROMS!!! That is appropriate. It shows that I have moved forward the tiniest bit that I don’t reply with a page full of links refuting their arguments.
Rabbi Arush and Rabbi Brody have explained in many of their lectures and books that the battling is useless. The appropriate response to public humiliation, for example, is not to sling mud back at the person. Apparently, and this is where you may feel shocked, it behooves us to smile and carry on with whatever we were doing. I believe the line from Trail to Tranquility is something to the tune of, “If someone calls you a donkey, get down on all fours, and slap a saddle on your back.” Let that sink in for a few minutes.
In the US at this point in time how often do we see people do this? It goes so totally counter to our culture. There are many Hollywood films and TV shows where the shrimpy, nerdy guy is getting kicked around and eventually he has his big ‘Rocky’ moment and hammers all the bullies, getting the last laugh and the cheers from the audience, and maybe even the girl. The nerd has won. Remember the scenes from ‘Superman’ where Clark Kent can’t let on that he’s not just the geek who happens to really fill out a suit? He’s humiliated over and over, knowing that he could decide the fight in his favor at any moment, but he must hold his tongue and ‘lose’. We only allow this as an audience because we know who he really is, and we know that he will win in the end.
Rabbi Arush and Rabbi Brody have explained that we too win in the end, and even in the present, if we can hold our tongue, even when the humiliation is burning us up. The humiliation is directly from Hashem. It is express mailed to you from Him, via the person(s) who are putting you down. You need it on some level- Hashem is Omnipotent and totally fair after all. And because Hashem is merciful, it is probably much less than you actually deserved. And if you can actually work up the strength to thank Hashem for your tribulation – to say “This too is for the good”- then you are really getting somewhere spiritually.
The bottom line for me is a question of faith. If someone is really going after me there is a huge part of me that feels it is better to eviscerate the other hothead, even if it is going overboard to do so, than to appear like a wimp who actually agrees with the person’s putdowns. I have to be the smarmy winner. I’ll be in the smarmy winner Hall of Fame one day. That’s what the devil on my shoulder tells me. So far his voice is way louder than the other one, but like I said, there is some progress being made. I don’t often find that I have the faith to believe that Hashem appreciates my silence.
One trick has helped a little. When I feel like laying into someone I picture a video of myself doing it. Or I ask myself what a tape recording of the dispute would sound like. That at least helps me to behave in a somewhat classy manner. But that is still an ego driven strategy. It should be Hashem driven. That’s the problem. Do I have the faith to accept that even if I look like a wimp and a loser to people who I want to impress, that in the end it will pay off? As Rabbi Arush has said, and I’m paraphrasing here, the people who are bugging you are the golden key to the kingdom. Can we muster up the emuna to remember that the next time we feel like lashing out at someone?
“In a similar vein, Rebbe Nachman teaches: The essence of repentance is when a person hears himself being insulted and nevertheless remains silent. He hears himself ridiculed yet does not reply in kind. This indicates that he is unconcerned by affronts to his honor (Likutey Moharan I, 6:2). The result, as the Rebbe goes on to explain, is peace. When you can keep your silence despite being embarrassed you will see your enemies, both internal and external, eliminated. You can then come to achieve both an inner and a [albeit modified] universal peace.” Crossing the Narrow Bridge, page 187.
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