Get to Know Yourself – Get to Know Your Child

We Are (Not) Coping 

A couple came to see me whose son had unfortunately left the path of the Torah. They were broken to pieces. They explained to me how they were trying to cope with the situation. On the one hand, they would argue with their son, while simultaneously trying stir him with feelings of guilt and remorse: “How much have we invested in you, how much have we given to you – and are betraying us in return!” They tried to show him how much his smartphone is ruining his life, but as much as they tried, he just didn’t understand what they want from him. It seems to him that his life is great, and the only real problem in his life are his parents!  

I assume that you already figured out that their methods did not exactly help. The parents are on one wavelength, and their son is on a completely different wavelength. It might not have been so bad if their efforts simply did zero. The problem is that their attempts to sway their son only angered him more, and created more distance between them. Not to mention the emotional state of the parents, which only continued to worsen with every confrontation. They just became more and more upset every day, undermining both their physical and mental health. 

Get to Know Yourself – Get to Know Your Child 

We all have an Evil Inclination. The question is: What do we do with it?  

How do you look at yourself, and deal with your mistakes and failings? If you persecute yourself and say to yourself things like, “I can’t do it. I am weak. I am bad.” If you speak this way to yourself, then this is exactly how you will relate to your children! In fact, you will see them in a much worse light than yourself, because you will take out all your inner frustrations with yourself onto them!  

If you, as an adult, are still somehow surviving and continuing with life and trying to serve Hashem despite the heavy burden of guilt you take on yourself – understand that for your children it is far too much – they are simply collapsing. 

The Missing Information  

So, the first thing I did was talk to the parents about their own lives.  

As funny as it may sound, one of the facts that we really love to ignore is the recognition that we have an Evil Inclination. But what is even more concealed and hidden, that most people do not know, is that we have NO power to defeat it!  

Yes, you read correctly. We cannot do it. The Gemara says this: “Unless Hashem helps, he cannot overcome.”  

You as parents deal with the Evil Inclination, but the Gemara explains that you cannot deal with it alone. Therefore, what is required is to take time out each day to ask for help from G-d like this: “Help me! I cannot do this alone! I cannot beat the Evil Inclination without You!” Without prayer you have no strength to resist the Evil Inclination. If this is so, then without prayer you really have no Good Inclination (Yetzer Tov). If you do not pray – you are in essence surrendering to the Evil Inclination! The requirement to pray is the practical conclusion of the words of that Gemara, which teaches us to understand that we all have a Yetzer Hara that we cannot deal with alone. 

Education is Giving 

Your son also faces the Yetzer Hara – but he does not know how to pray. Therefore, he does not really have a Yetzer Tov. If you want him to start praying for himself, then before anything you first need to learn how to pray for yourself – because you are in exactly the same situation as him. You too have an Evil Inclination that you cannot manage without prayer. What claim can you make against him if you do not yourself pray? You yourself don’t have a Yetzer Tov because you don’t pray, so what do you want from the child?  

If you sincerely want to teach him to start praying for himself – then certainly you need to pray for yourself first. Education is not about “principles” – education is giving! You can only give what you have. If you live prayer, and live pleading and beseeching G-d to save you from your Evil Inclination – only then can you pass this on to your child as well. And you can pass it on easily! 

The Real Problem – and Solution – is in You 

If there is a problem with your car, you take the car to the garage and fix the problem. But a child is not a car. Your child is a part of you. Whenever you are dealing with your children, remember very well, that whatever you are dealing with is primarily for you. G-d loves you and sends you messages through your children, and their actions and mistakes, in order to enable you to grow. He sends you situations through your children to encourage you to pray, and work on yourselves. 

Forget the problems you have with the child completely and start working on yourself  in  prayer  every day. This is the miracle advice that works wonders!  

Without you starting to work on yourself – whatever you do will not help. 

Helping Children 

Now that you are heading in the right direction, we can also look at how to help the child as well. 

We have here a child who has an Evil Inclination that he cannot resist. He cannot even pray to Hashem “save me, help me,“ because he feels that what he is doing is good and pleasant for him. He thinks that the Evil Inclination and its urges are the “good life.” So how will he pray for himself?  

But if he does not pray, who will pray for him? That is why both the father and mother must commit themselves to pray for their child every day that G-d should help their child overcome his Yetzer Hara. You must pray for each and every child – not just for the children who are already rebelling or having problems – because everyone has an Evil Inclination and everyone needs the help of Hashem without exception. The only difference is that one child is already not willing to listen, versus if a child is still on track, then you can speak to him about prayer and teach him to pray for himself, which is a huge gain. 

The Double Challenge 

You as an adult already recognize that the Evil Inclination is bad, and you don’t want to follow after it. And still, you have to shout out to Hashem and beg for help! All the more so the child, who does not yet understand that the bad is really is actually bad. A child doesn’t have the ability to distinguish between what is good and bad. He thinks bad is good. Before anything else he first needs knowledge and understanding, and only afterwards does he need help. 

Therefore, we have to pray for our children in TWO ways!  

First, we have to ask Hashem to give our children the wisdom to distinguish between good and evil, and to desire the good and develop a distaste for bad. Second, we have to also beg for Divine assistance for our children to have the strength to actually do good and avoid evil. It’s not easy at all. This is why both parents must pray every day for their children. 

Until The Very End 

Technically, you only have to continue praying like this until your children are praying for themselves every day. At least then, they have a real desire for good, plus Divine assistance to help them achieve their good desires and save them from the Evil Inclination. 

However, I believe that parents should always pray for their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren! Even if the children are themselves Rabbis who are teaching others, parents should continue to invest in their children every day of their lives.