Don’t Skip Steps – Part 1

(Note: This is taken from Rabbi Arush’s Wednesday night shiur during the 9 Days, 5779) 

We all must learn how to look at ourselves and our lives properly.  

What is a sure sign that a person is learning Torah lishma – for its own sake? Meaning, for the sake of getting closer to Hashem, and not for other reasons? The answer is if he opens a book – whatever holy book he is learning – and every place he learns, he finds himself. He sees his own lowliness. This is a sign that he truly wants to do Hashem’s will. 

But if he is arrogant, then everything is about “ani” – about me. He is very far away from really wanting to do Hashem’s will. There are people who learn all day, but they can’t see Hashem! Their eyes are closed. They don’t see a thing. 

We need to learn how to see Hashem. We must be happy all the time! Everything is good! Everything is excellent! Ein od milvado – there is only Hashem, and everything that He does is for the very best. 

Such a person sees his own smallness. He knows that he is nothing! He is happy all the time because he knows that he is zero. So even if he makes mistakes, he doesn’t blame himself and tear himself apart.  

But to see our lowliness – does not mean sadness! Even if someone is in a trash can [meaning he is doing the filthiest sins] – he can still say, “But I only want to serve Hashem!” and he becomes a perfect tzaddik. Just the thought of teshuva (repentance) and he is already a perfect tzaddik! He hasn’t even said anything yet! 

Even with the most difficult tests in life – the most important thing is the ratzon – the will. To believe that really, he only wants to serve Hashem. To say, “It doesn’t matter what happens to me, I only want Hashem! I only want to serve Hashem!” When a person sees all the good things that he wants to do and be, it makes him happy. You must see your good points! Everyone is full of good points, and the biggest good point that everyone has, is the desire to do good and be good. So be happy all the time! 

Happiness is also a prerequisite to doing teshuva. I was very obstinate when I wrote in The Garden of Emuna that there are 3 levels of emuna – because these levels are in order. The three levels are:

1. Hashem is the one running your life, and your life is exactly how Hashem wants it to be.

2. Everything Hashem does is for the best, so say thank you.

3. Everything has a purpose to awaken you to return to Hashem. 

You cannot skip steps! You can only do teshuva after you believe. While you are sad and not living in a state of emuna, you cannot do teshuva, and you cannot ask Hashem to help you understand what sin caused your suffering. Klum, gornisht – nothing! Instead, you must ask Hashem to give you happiness, and heal your emotional problems, sadness, and despair. If you cannot do teshuva without falling into sadness, then only pray for emuna and happiness. 

Recognize that if you are sad, it’s really because you are angry at Hashem. Don’t say, “I’m sad.” Say, “I am angry at Hashem!” Is it a little bit disturbing? It should be, but it’s the truth! Tell the truth! 

Recognize that if you can’t say “thank you” to Hashem with happiness for your suffering, then you lack emuna. In that case, you need to pray to Hashem: “Until I have emuna, I don’t want anything! Is there something here that isn’t good? Hashem is all good! Right now, I am living a lie, thinking that it is bad. I want to live with emuna, and live the truth! Give me the emuna to say thank you and truly believe that this is good. The only thing I want right now is emuna!” First, you must be able to say thank you for the suffering with real happiness. Only then can you request. 

There is no possibility that Hashem is doing something to you that isn’t good. You don’t understand? Believe! If you could understand it with your mind, what kind of test would it be? Believe it’s good even though you don’t understand! 

Know that all of this is nothing more than a nice theory without an hour of personal prayer every day. Don’t be dati (religious) – be a baal teshuva (someone who is becoming more religious). Do teshuva every day! Speak to Hashem and tell Hashem what you did over the last day in great detail. Admit everything to Hashem. Ask Hashem to help you overcome your Evil Inclination. Pray for emuna. Tell Hashem, “Everything is great by me! Give me emuna!” Without this crucial piece, you’ll never be able to acquire the daat (holy knowledge) that everything Hashem does is for the best.